i'm sorry if this makes you jealous

On Friday night, I was in bed with a glass of eggnog by 8:32 pm, reading a memoir about opening a restaurant. Lest you think I'm dull, I drank my eggnog in a goblet. See? Unending charm and grace around these parts.

On Saturday, we put up the Christmas tree (son of a nutcracker, is Christmas all she's going to be talking about for the next month?)(It is, guys. It is). I had been looking forward to Saturday all week so I could decorate. I had planned on watching Elf while untangling my felt ball garland, but I watched You've Got Mail instead. DID YOU KNOW IT'S ON NETFLIX? I didn't, and when I saw it I nearly stopped breathing and hit play so fast you'd think I had a gun to my head. As soon as it was over, I nearly watched it all over again (maybe I put it back on as I'm writing this). It's just so good. But I peeled myself away from the Christmas decorations and went to Target to grab my dad a birthday card. I walked out 45 minutes later with baby socks (the tiniest!), cookie cutters, and a decaf peppermint mocha. I came back and put on The Holiday and finished decorating. It's possible I topped off the night with Sleepless in Seattle. It's also possible that James loves it more than I do.

On Sunday, we watched HGTV reruns, drank hot chocolate, and I cried, because there are these things called hormones that are swarming through my body in illegal doses and constantly threatening to ruin my life at the drop of a hat. But James found some candles in the back of the coat closet that I had forgotten about, and that momentarily soothed me. I went to bed at 9:30 and dreamed I was in WWII and shooting guns out of a plane over the South Pacific.

What? Someone had to do it.

Tonight, I slipped on my flannel pajama pants and made soup and garlic bread. Times like these I think: 4 months from now I'll have a baby. However will I manage to tame my party girl ways in time?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a new book to crack open.


currently: november 17th

(I wrote this on Sunday and Monday, because it's impossible for me to write these things all in one day. Sorry if this gets confusing and weird, but isn't that business as usual around here?)

Anticipating: Thanksgiving, hallelujah! And the 4 day weekend. And putting up the tree next weekend.

Listening to: The Oh Hello's Christmas album. On repeat. Forever, amen.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Thanksgiving. AS IF I could forget about pumpkin pie.

Wanting: don't ask me this right now. I've had a serious case of the gimmes over everything lately.

Watching: Love It or List It. Bless Netflix for adding HGTV shows. I'm in heaven.

Canada: I know there's a currency difference, but your real estate prices give me anxiety.

Needing: to organize and clean out my closet. I'm weirdly excited about it? As in, I've been fantasizing about an organized closet without bins overflowing with high school choir t-shirts. Every night I tell myself I'll do it, but then I get sweet talked by the sectional. Also, I need baby stuff. But don't talk to me about it, because I'll get overwhelmed and cry.

Smelling: the fire in the fireplace. Also the reason I will never move from this place.

Wearing: If you don't look like this on a Sunday afternoon, reevaluate your life.

Drinking: A DECAF GINGERBREAD LATTE. THIS IS BIG NEWS. This is the first coffee drink I've had since July! Granted, it's soaked in sugar so I can't taste the coffee, but I'm not gagging and it feels like a victory. Also, GINGERBREAD LATTE. CHRISTMAS. DELICIOUS. CLEARLY I'M ON A SUGAR HIGH.

Reading: Unbroken. One of the most powerful books I've ever read. I've been staying up so late every night because I can't put it down. And the movie is coming out next month!

Feeling: Warm and cozy sitting by the fire in my flannel pajama pants and fleece socks. The windchill is 4 degrees, people.

Loving: THE SNOW. If I wasn't tired, I would put up the tree right this second. I pulled out a chunky sweater and wool socks this morning and couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I WAS BORN FOR THE COLD. Though maybe not for subzero temperatures.

Also, you guys, I hit the jackpot at my favorite vintage shop over the weekend. I've always been jealous of all those people who seem to find secondhand treasurers, but this time it was finally my turn. I was running through the rooms with unabashed glee and squealing like a newborn pig. I was there until closing (at 8pm, lest you think I'm more exciting than I am) and could've bought the entire store. But I walked away with a vintage afghan for the nursery, a Bing Crosby record, and some mid-century ornaments. I'll be returning immediately. Vintage Christmas decorations are my love language.

Hating: that my aforementioned latte just spilled down the front of my I'd Rather Be Watching Gilmore Girls hoodie. White girl problems?

Planning: a baby blanket. I'm staring at yarn colors online and completely unable to commit.

Missing: my memory? This pregnancy brain thing is unfortunately real. I write the date wrong every day, I forget how to spell basic words constantly, and last week I forgot what time James gets off work, and he's gotten off at the same time for almost 3 years. Don't even start with me on how often I've lost my keys lately, and I never did that before. I also pulled out a handful of grey hairs over the last few weeks. How sure are we that I'm not actually 73? Sometimes this belly is the only thing that reminds I'm still 25.

Thankful: for baby kicks, hot chocolate with whipped cream and sprinkles, maternity pants, electric blankets, fuzzy socks, library books, nausea meds, and for the moment everyday that I clock out from work. 



Listen, folks. I'm about to yack your ear off about pregnancy. Months ago, I would immediately mark most pregnancy posts as "read" on bloglovin, but now that I've joined the ranks of waddling women, I can't read enough of them. So this post is for the few of you out there who feel the same. I also figured I should let everyone know I'm no longer on the brink of death, as my last post may have led you to believe.

And for those of you who haven't heard, we're having a girl! I knew it. I had that gut feeling from the second I found out I was pregnant, and all my dreams were about having a girl. We are so excited we could puke. In fact,  I almost did, but for different reasons. Moving on! We had our ultrasound on Tuesday, and I had been an anxious MESS for the past month leading up to it. I was dying to know the gender but also scared to death to find out, because I've still been partly in denial that I will have an actual baby at the end of this, and finding out the gender would make it so much more real. PLUS, it's the anatomy scan where they check the heart and brain and all organs and every single thing you can imagine to make sure there aren't any defects. It's terrifying. I couldn't even sleep the night before I was so nervous, and I was such a basket case the ultrasound tech didn't know what to do with me. My mom came with us, and I was so happy to have her there. Thankfully, the baby is perfect, measuring right on track, and as healthy as can be. And a GIRL. I am so happy and excited and relieved and THANKFUL. James is dying he's so happy. He wanted a baby girl more than anything (who are we kidding, so did I!). The whole thing felt like Christmas morning. I've been smiling nonstop ever since. And it was great to get confirmation that the baby's head is directly on my bladder, because I knew there was a reason I had to pee 24/7.

As I hinted at earlier, I am finally able to unchain myself from the toilet. I am, however, STILL on nausea medicine. I've gone without it twice in the last month, and both times I lived to regret it. But while I'm on it, I feel mostly good. Which is incredible. I have an appetite!! It came raging back a few weeks ago. The baby must've gone through a growth spurt, because suddenly I couldn't shovel down food fast enough and I had to officially transition into maternity clothes. Despite my healthier appetite, I still don't love food. It's still a struggle to think of things that sound good and don't gross me out. I expected pregnancy to be a 9 month love affair with food, but it has not been. Not in the slightest. I have yet to get a real craving, aside from the strange moment I had at work yesterday. I swear I smelled ham, and I literally (no, literally) started salivating. I nearly started sprinting out the door in search of a Honeybaked Ham, and I don't really even like ham. But a ham and cheese sandwich? TANTALIZING. And I guess I have wanted to drown myself in a vat of orange juice. But that's about it.

I still have a good amount of food aversions. Basically anything I ate while I was super sick is off the table now. The thought of it all makes me so queasy. I'm still so intensely grossed out by coffee, which will never cease to surprise me. And this thing about pregnant women and ice cream? LIES. Ice cream is repulsive. I even have music aversions! I fell in love with the band Jamestown Revival back in August, and I would listen to them whenever I had to drive to get my mind off the nausea. One of the songs came on yesterday while I was driving to work, and I swear to you it made me nauseous. Anything that reminds me of those early days immediately makes me feel sick again. The smell of the pantry still sends me into a tailspin. OH! And get this. We had a blood drive at work a couple weeks ago. It was held in the break room, which is great, because that's where we keep our food so it's not gross at all. Anyway, I went down to heat up my lunch, and I SWEAR to you I could smell all the blood. I was dry heaving and had to stick my head in my shirt while my food was microwaved. That was a rough day.

Let's talk about maternity clothes! And how they're three times the price of normal clothes! Ok, not always, but it feels like it and I've taken offense. At Old Navy, a normal tank top was about $5. The maternity version? $13. GOOD GRIEF. Aside from that, I love their maternity clothes. They're mostly affordable, unlike places like Motherhood Maternity that charge $50 for a basic shirt. NOPE, no thanks. I looked them up online out of curiosity and had that dizzying, otherworldly sensation I feel whenever I look at JCrew price tag. But enough about the price, let's talk about how comfortable they are and how they should be worn at all times forever even when you're not pregnant. They are MAGNIFICENT. The shirts are LONG. The waistbands are ELASTIC. Everything stretches!! Pulling on a pair of maternity jeans is the closest thing to wearing pajamas. It practically feels like cheating. And you will never feel sexier than when you pull up a pair of jeans with a maternity band so high it comes up to your boobs. BLISS.

But maternity dresses? Let's discuss. They're either boxy, or they're skin tight. Listen. Left unchecked, I can have a real Kim Kardashian situation going on back there, just 100% more pale and 200% less rich. But here's the thing, I've tried on dozens of these dresses, and I need the stretchy section to be in the back, not the front. Whoever designs these dresses made them to fit a pregnant man. That's all I will say about that. The days I've needed to dress up for work have become a bit of a challenge. But MATERNITY LEGGINGS. In heaven, our souls wear maternity leggings.

Judging by what I've read and what my doctor has told me, I think I'm in the sweet spot of pregnancy. I'm no longer throwing up everything I swallow, and I'm not too uncomfortable yet. Except for all day at work. My desk chair has been working some kind of evil sorcery on my hips, and whenever I stand up, I nearly fall to the ground. My first few steps after standing up either look like a baby learning to walk or like a very untalented break dancer. I am, however, EXHAUSTED all the time. I never really got that 2nd trimester burst of energy I heard so much about. I have a bit more energy, but I still feel like I could sleep all day everyday. But other than that, I'm starting to very slightly understand why some women love pregnancy. It's still the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's also the best. Whenever I'm not nauseous or in pain and I feel the baby kick and wiggle around, I start to think maybe there is the tiniest sliver of a chance that I'll do this again. Maybe. No promises, but it's not completely ruled out anymore. But not for a long time! I still need to survive the rest of this pregnancy. This absolutely not how I thought this year was going to go, but I'm so happy to be wrong. This baby came out of the blue, and she's (she!!!!) healthy, and it's happening, and I am just so utterly grateful that I can't even stand it. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.


notes from november 1st

The wind chill is 26 degrees outside, and it's 59 degrees in my bedroom right now. I'm writing this post from underneath the flannel sheets, electric blanket (currently not turned on because I'm too lazy to plug it in), quilt, and many fleece blankets. I'm wearing my high school swim team hoodie with the hood wrapped around my head and tightened so much I have just enough room for my glasses to peek out. I'm officially hibernating and I love it.

I was a bit of Halloween scrooge this year. I wasn't feeling it. There was a costume contest at work, but I sat in my little corner and listened to my Christmas music. Then again, I haven't really been into Halloween since elementary school. I don't mind the costumes and the candy; I just never feel the urge to participate. I like to think of Halloween as the start of the holiday season. And since I'm writing this on November 1st, it's officially the holiday season.


Just kidding. I love you, Thanksgiving. I really do. For all my Christmas talk, I have 17 daily fantasies of your pumpkin pie and mashed potatoes. And this year I'll have my maternity leggings, so we're really in business. Ignore the Perry Como currently playing in the background and know I'm anxiously awaiting your arrival.

Speaking of November 1st, it snowed this morning! Not here, because life isn't fair, but it snowed in various areas of the state. And it was in the 30s all day. Had I not been so tired from staying out late Friday night, I would've had to have James physically restrain me from putting the Christmas tree up. It just felt right! The twinkle lights, they beckoned!! MY FELT BALL GARLANDS. But I made some tea and watched White Christmas instead, which temporarily scratched my Christmas itch. Until I started fine-tuning my Christmas playlist and daydreaming of Christmas cookies, but that's another story.

Speaking of staying out late! James surprised me on Friday with tickets to see Fury, which I was extremely excited about because I dig a good World War II movie (I've been known to beg him to watch Band of Brothers with me. It's not all Audrey Hepburn around here!). I'm not so sure I dug that particular movie, but that's another story. It's a good thing it was cold, because I almost grabbed my new camo coat to wear. To a war movie. On Halloween. Thankfully I grabbed my peacoat instead, because though I am very festive, I am not one to dress up in character for a movie. Anyway. The tickets were for a dine-in theater, and since we've discovered those, we can't go back to a normal theater. It's a good thing we only go to the movies about once a year, because they ain't cheap. But oh, are they worth it.

We got to the movie theater a little early, so we walked around the mall for a little while, tasting tea samples from Teavana and shaking our heads at the tweens in our older-and-wiser disgust. I got sentimental for about 5 minutes thinking about how I used to walk around this mall in high school and probably looked just as ridiculous, except I never wore leggings as pants because my mother raised me right. I then chose to ignore the fact that the sweater I was wearing that night was from Forever 21. I made some comment to James about how weird it was that I remember walking around with my friends in this same mall at that age, and here I am, married and almost a mom. WEIRD. We started walking back to the theater at that point, and we walked up to the line at the same time as another couple. At first glance, the boy looked familiar to me, and a second later our eyes widened as we realized at the exact same time that we graduated together. We exchanged awkward hellos, and he walked in front us while I pointed and mouthed OMG I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH HIM to James, and then I remembered that I hadn't worn any makeup that night, because we'll be in a dark theater! No one to impress! Hahaha, WRONG. We went our separate ways, and I breathed a sigh of relief that the moment was over. James and I got settled in the theater and started flipping through the menu, when I looked up and saw Mr. High School walking into the theater with his date. Fan. Tastic. At least he was sitting far enough away that he couldn't see me unbutton my non-maternity jeans after I finished my quesadilla.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful (I'm no longer writing this on November 1st, mostly because I feel asleep seconds after writing that last paragraph.) I took myself on a date to Old Navy to find some maternity leggings, since I have to dress up for work this week. I was reaching for a stack of shirts when I noticed a GIANT stink bug on top of the shirts. I jumped and potentially screamed. I have no idea if anyone heard me because I immediately ran and hid in the dressing room for 10 minutes. I finally left and decided to grab a hot chocolate from Starbucks (red cups, you know), on the way home. I then drove straight past the exit for the highway, which is understandable considering I've only been driving around this area for 10 years now. I'm thinking I should probably have eaten a bigger snack before my excursion, which I took that into consideration when I was wanting a second bowl of cereal last night. 


stream of consciousness

did you know it's fall?
I'm writing this on the downward side of a Krispy Kreme buzz, so I apologize for anything I say that doesn't make sense. I've been secretly dying for donuts all week, and when James mentioned his craving this evening, I couldn't kick him out the door fast enough to go get some. Get a chocolate one! And a pumpkin one! But wait surprise me! It is both a blessing and a curse that there's a Krispy Kreme no more than half a mile down the road. But mostly a blessing. Though it is not a blessing that I could feel my hips getting wider with each bite.

Speaking of James (were we speaking of James?), I went to a doctor's appointment with him this morning. That man loves nothing more than to make me as uncomfortable as possible, which is unfortunate because it takes next to nothing to embarrass me. When the doctor walked in, James immediately pointed at me and announced "SHE'S A MOMMA NOW! Well, she will be in a few months!" I've met his doctor before so it wasn't completely weird, but after he congratulated us, James said "And I didn't even have to try that hard!" He was clearly so proud of himself. It was at that point that I nearly clawed my way through the floorboards. He saw the looks of horror on my face and made some other humiliating comments that were even worse, but I immediately blocked them out of self preservation. I'm no stranger to awkward moments these days. I drowned my Monday frustrations in a (small, I swear) bag of chocolate covered pretzels (I really do eat foods with nutritional value), and when I looked in the mirror at the end of the day, I saw a huge smear of chocolate across my chest. Not my shirt, but my actual skin. Which is so pale that a large smear of chocolate is anything but subtle. Which is great considering I had probably walked around work that way for several hours. 

Speaking of work, we've had a lot of technical issues lately resulting in a slew of emails from the IT department. I secretly want to work in the IT department, because it's full a bunch of awkward and hilarious people. There were emails including a picture of a poodle saying some strange IT thing (which made no sense, but it didn't stop me from printing it out and hanging it on my desk), and one written entirely in haikus. Nothing warms my heart more than a well-executed haiku. Which I accidentally said out loud at work after reading the email, resulting in many a concerned stare. But it inspired me. Remember when writing my posts in haikus was something I did? I'm bringing that back! Not now, obviously, but I will. I'm sorry if haiku blogs are weird for you, but I need to do it. Just like these stream of consciousness posts and Monday's post where I ramble about anything and everything. It just feels good to write again without an agenda. I feel most like myself when I write without a topic and let it get weird and freaky. I feel most like myself with a stack of books next to me. And I feel most like myself while wearing an elastic waistband. All things I've learned recently (ok, I've known the last one for awhile). Hashtag FINDING MYSELF. Now if only I could fix my blog design...

I got a wild hair the other day and clicked on my Sufjan Stevens Christmas Pandora station. I'M NOT EVEN ASHAMED. It just felt so good. It sounded so good. I fine-tuned that station at my old job, where my responsibilities included perfecting my Pandora stations and blogging about my coworkers. Remember those days? Those were terrible days, but also good ones. The job was terrible ("I know we hired you to do all these things, but actually you're going to be a glorified receptionist"), the people were worse (so much worse), but those were good blog days. I spent most of my days writing posts and emailing blog friends for hours upon hours. I miss that. I really do. All you people that don't have Gmail blocked on your work computer don't know how lucky you are. ENJOY IT FOR ME. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TILL IT'S GONE. Blogging was a lot different back then, even though it was only 2 years ago. But you might not want to let me go down that rabbit trail. We'll save that for a day when I'm in a bad mood. You'll be able to hear me typing that rant in Australia. 

I'm cutting this off now. The sooner I get myself to work, the sooner I get home to eat the last donut.