7.05.2012

Independence

I love the Midwest the most during July. There's something about the red barns, American flags flying off rural telephone poles, and cornfields knee high by the fourth of July. There are picnics in the park, baseball games, and dairy bars open until the last light of day.


Our day was low key. We slept in and drank coffee in the living room, slowly waking up. I couldn't seem to pry my sleepy body off the cool black couch.

We drove 35 miles north on a road that runs along the river, winding through cornfields and past old white farmhouses.





We spent the afternoon with my parents. The lighthearted conversation grew emotional and heavy as my job unexpectedly became the topic.

I stole away for a few moments to sit in the chilly basement and flip through the old brown photo albums. I saw pictures of me on boats in Santa Barbara, wearing stripes on my 5th birthday, and rocking a red white and blue outfit that only the early 90s could conjure up.

I wondered where I got so confused. When did I stop believing I was smart enough to make something of myself? When did I start thinking I thinking I just wasn't meant to have a fulfilling career? I have no idea when that switched flip. But I see it now, and I'm going to shake myself out of this career funk if it's the last thing I do.

I went back upstairs, and I heaped some extra avocado on the burger straight from my dad's grill. The puzzle pieces started falling into place. Maybe grad school isn't as out of reach as I once thought it was. Maybe it was just my own fear that separated us.

In fact, that's exactly what it is. I've just been talking myself out of it this past year. I've been telling myself I was making a responsible decision to forgo the financial aid headaches and the transcripts, the begging for recommendations, and the sifting through universities and programs.

But really, I think at this point, the responsible thing would be to set my own fear aside and just go for it. If it doesn't work out for whatever reason, then at least I won't wonder anymore.


Despite the emotional turmoil, the day ended perfectly. Standing outside on the balcony, watching a mixture of fireworks and lightening. The sound of firecrackers intertwined with the rumble of thunder. Perfect, I tell you.

So here's to independence. From the British, and from fear.



10 comments:

  1. So glad to hear your starting to get some clarity! I'll keep praying for you! God has big plans for your life even if you don't know what they are yet.

    Don't forget to listen. Sometimes we're moving too fast and forget to be still and listen to what God is trying to tell us. It's hard to wait on the LORD, but so well worth it!

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  2. so glad you got to have that awakening in yourself! I'm still trying to shake fear of leaving the job that I don't really like right now. it's hard!

    good luck :)

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  3. Oi... That fear is what i am going through right now.. Or is it that i am not made to do what i once thought i was? All i know is i am feeling anxiety and stress and seeking clarity with none to be found... i grateful that you are seeing the light and going for it, whatever it may be... You are awesome :)

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  4. It's time to just go for it! You and me both. What are we waiting for?

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  5. I agree with you about the Midwest in July...it's perfection. And I was in the exact same place as you regarding my career a year ago. I was so terrified of taking the leap to apply to grad school. I finally decided to go for it, and I'm so glad I did! I know it's going to take a couple years, but I am going to LOVE my future career as a speech pathologist! I say, go for it!! It will be so worth it in the end, and you'll be so much happier :-) No regrets!

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  6. Clarity, it's a good thing.
    The 4th, it's a good thing.
    your photos? it's a good thing as well.

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  7. Fear can be so crippling but if you just give things to God it can be like a huge weight lifted off. It's easier said than done but we need to trust Him. Take a leap of faith. I hope you go for it :)

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  8. I'm so glad you're going for it! When I was deciding whether or not to go to grad school, my biggest fear was that when I was done and getting ready to look for a job I'd be 26. I felt like that was late to start a career (huh?), but then I realized that I'd be 26 either way, so why not Now, I genuinely love what I do and have no regrets (even if I do have more loans to pay off, it's worth it for happiness!). I have a feeling that you'll be so happy you decided to go for it!!!

    P.S. I'm putting your button on my blog Halfway to Somewhere (www.born-to-roam.blogspot.com)!

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  9. You're totally right, there's something about the Midwest that's so uniquely beautiful and American. I just found your blog, and I totally love it.

    I'm following you now from Follow Friday. I'd love for you to stop by my blog too so we can be blog friends :)

    Brooke

    liningthecloudswithsilver.blogspot.com

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  10. Beautiful. Midwest is best. And I'm really excited for you!

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