noises in the night

I can't actually hold my head up right now.

I'm not even sure if I actually slept last night.

You see, there's this weird sound outside lately. I heard it for the first time last week just as I was slipping into a delightful coma. All I remember is being semi conscious and yelling at James to quit clipping his toenails.

Except, he wasn't clipping his toenails. He was sleeping right next to me. But that sound! It sounds like someone clipping their nails in my ear.

James thought I was crazy and making it all up, until he laid back down to go to sleep and heard it too.

Needless to say, we didn't sleep much that night. We think it's some sort of weird bug outside, but I'm still convinced someone is sitting on the balcony clipping their toenails into a microphone.

Then last night, I heard it again. I immediately wailed into my pillow. You see, yesterday was not awesome. The Tuesday curse might be back, y'all. Work problems, cramps, a meeting where I listened to people argue over the intimacy level of square tables verses round tables and GOD FORBID we get the wrong shape table because then no one will overcome their drug addiction because they won't feel comfortable at the wrong kind of table and oh! an area rug would be nice too! And oh! oh! oh! None of this matters at all!

So I wasn't in the best mood and didn't even start to feel slightly better until I ran off my frustration and then drowned my remaining annoyances in a scoop (or two) of ice cream so decadent it makes Ben & Jerry's look like a celery stick.

Anyway, I was laying in bed last night dissecting every word and look and glance from the episode of One Tree Hill (OMG CAN'T STOP WATCHING) we had just finished, when I heard the noise.

I told James the nail clipping sound was back, but luckily for him his congestion and horrible hearing from years of drumming allowed him to sleep peacefully and snore while I tossed and turned and tried to force myself to focus on the whirring sound of the fan instead of evil nail clipper bugs and snoring.

Didn't work, if you're wondering. The sound would finally calm down (as well as my blood pressure) and I would start to fall asleep just in time for the bug to torment me again and thus send me into a fit of rage. This cycle went on for hours. I started to go crazy. I might have almost cried and slept in the hallway. Well, I was going to sleep in the hallway, but I was too lazy to move. And all I could focus on was that STUPID sound. I know it sounds ridiculous, but you just have to hear it.

So today will be interesting.

In fact!

I just had a conversation with a coworker about her daughter's wedding this weekend. This is the lady who wore a "once piece zebra outfit with three elastic bands" to her daughter's bachelorette party.

I didn't ask for clarification because I was scared of the result. I think you understand.

Anyway, during the wedding ceremony, she wants to wear a bright lime green shrug with big butterflies all over it because she "loves lime green and butterflies and looks like a beautiful butterfly with it on." She was very upset that her daughter wasn't fond of the idea and just didn't understand why her mother should walk down the aisle looking like a psychedelic butterfly. She was obviously looking for me to comfort her and say her daughter is crazy for ever thinking that might be a bit "much" to wear at her wedding.

So yeah, interesting day.

Maybe she should introduce her daughter to the nail clipping bug. Because trust me, that noise puts everything in perspective.


  1. HAHAH I had the best image of someone (it was a guy, btw) clipping his toenails on the porch at night with a microphone positioned to capture the noise....

    Also! I emailed you woman! :) I hope you get some sleep soon!!

  2. How annoying and inconsiderate can a bug be?? LOL<<, I think you need to wear some ear plugs to bed! You need to sleep!!

  3. oh, dear. I hate nights where there's an annoying sound!! sending you good vibes. you can make it until 5!

  4. Well, I would say that you're losing your mind, but James heard the noise too. If I lived in Ohio, I would help you hunt down that bugger of a bug, just because I love you that much. Can't wait to SEE you this Saturday! ;-)

  5. Oh my that sounds like quite a story. I'm surprised you didn't tell your co-worker how nuts she sounded considering how tired you were. Although how or why anyone would think the lime green is a fashionable color choice for a wedding is beyond me. Hang in there lady.

  6. That must be the worst! I would be so creeped out that the bug was right under my pillow. I hope that the bug dies :)

  7. I hate butterflies. And fairies. Sorry if that makes me a jerk.

    Do you speak to your neighbors? Can you ask them if they have ever heard the noise before?

  8. I really hate annoying sounds you can't get rid of. One time I had birds outside of my window chirping at 3 AM. It was the worst and to make matters worse, I couldn't get rid of it because the birds had built a nest out of my reach. Needless to say, I really hope you can get rid of the noises!

    As for the lady you work with, lime green really?!

  9. Sorry to hear about your nail-clipping bug! How annoying! Once you hear something like that, it's so hard to NOT hear it. That's how I am with snoring.:(
    That lady needs to know that her lime green, butterfly shrug isn't appropriate in ANY circumstance - especially her daughter's wedding.
    Annnnnd, lets hear more about this ice cream that's better than B&J's.

  10. Bahhaa, I love your work stories! Especially zebra woman. I hope she does wear it and then brings you pictures that you can hijack and post on the blog ;)

  11. Your work stories make me fear for humanity almost as much as the stories I have of crazy stuff my residents do... She likes to look like a butterfly??? What the heck? The world needs you as a teacher. If only in an attempt to stop other people from turning into butterflies.

  12. Hi again. So check out my blog today. I nominated you for one of those blog awards. I just really enjoy reading what you've got to say and I wanted others to 'meet' you as well. Don't feel obligated to take part, I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, so no biggy!

  13. Oh wow! I live in Cleveland and have been hearing the same thing! I hear it right now! I want to hunt it down and destroy it but I have no idea what it is!

  14. Just wow. I'm kind of scared for you.


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