12.14.2012

the time I had a midget stalker

Disclaimer: if you're one of those politically correct people that are offended by the word "midget," don't keep reading. This all happened when I was 17. I certainly don't go around referring to short people as midgets, however "little person stalker" just doesn't have the same ring to it. And yes, he was an actual little person/dwarf/Roloff sized person. This story is not weird because of his size. It's weird because he was weird.

This story has been requested by a friend of mine. So, sit down, little children. I'm going to tell you all a story. A weird story. A story about high school Michelle and a boy who wouldn't leave her alone.

Midget Stalker.

This person is now a legend with my friends and family. And for the record, he was completely harmless. So don't be worried. It all started during my senior year of high school. I don't remember all the details, but I remember it started through Myspace (oh how I got embarrassed just typing that word). I got a friend request from someone, and I accepted because he went to school with a lot of my friends. We ran in the same circles but had never met each other before.


Because who wouldn't want some of this? Hello!
And then he got my AIM screename, presumably from Myspace. He would IM me whenever I was on and asked questions to get to know me. He was Lutheran and completely obsessed with being Lutheran, and I had grown up in a Baptist church, so we would talk religion occasionally and I was fine with that. I love an intelligent debate. And then he started asking other totally normal "I've never met you before" questions like "What do you look for in a husband?" "You knit? Will you knit me a sweater?" and "let's go out on a date. I could see myself marrying you someday." I'm not even exaggerating these one bit. THEY HAPPENED. I'll admit, I was a brat of a teenager and egged him on a bit instead of just blocking him. I was entirely amused by the whole thing. Though I never pretended to be interested in him.

This went on for a few months. It started to get less entertaining and more creepy and annoying. Things got even better when MS got my phone number. It must've been given to him by a mutual friend. I have no idea. All I know is that I didn't give it to him. He would start calling me all the time. I never once answered the phone. Not once. He would text me incessantly. He was in my phone as "midget stalker" so I would hit "ignore" and carry on with my life, not giving him a second thought. Nothing seemed to discourage him, though. Nothing. He was like a fly I could never catch with the fly swatter. Always buzzing around, always driving me nuts.

He texted me on New Years Eve that year, wondering what my plans were. When I told him I was spending NYE at my boyfriend's party, MS not pleased. He started telling me how sad he was, and am I sure this is who God would want me with? God would  rather me be with a Lutheran!

And then the curse of the small town hit, aka my worst nightmare. My senior year I spent the morning in high school and the afternoon at the community college taking college classes.....the same place Midget Stalker was taking classes (dun dun DUN!). Thanks to my super stealth skills, I was able to avoid him seeing me, but oh did I see him! I saw him driving, I saw him running through the halls with armfuls of books, I saw him meandering around campus. It was a veritable minefield of MS spottings. One wrong step and my cover could've been blown.

I eventually graduated and went off to college. We formed a weird pseudo-friendship where I would talk to him if I was in the mood, but he still annoyed me to no end and I made it clear I would not go on a date with him. He was hard to avoid, though. I went to the doctor's office one time and saw his pictures covering the walls of a lady's office. His mother's office. Who my father works with. I saw his car around town on occasion. I still dodged all his phone calls. He had become some sort of permanent fixture in my life. I didn't block his number because some part of me felt bad for him. I finally just accepted the fact that he would be proposing to me via text message when we were in our 80s and I had 30 grandchildren. There was no getting rid of him, and we all knew it.

But then, New Years Eve 2007. I decided last minute to throw a party at my house, and my friend and I went to Kroger for supplies. I will never forget it. Christmas music was playing. I was wearing a pink shirt. We were in the chip aisle, and I looked to my right, toward the milk. And there he was. Midget Stalker. As fast as I could, I grabbed a bag of Sunchips, threw them in front of my face, and sneakily ran through the store with my party goodies. Grinch style.


I think he saw me, but I was able to dodge him. We ran to the cash register and to the car as fast as we could. We were safe. We made it.


The night of the grocery store incident. Yikes.

I moved to North Carolina a few months later to go to ECU. Sometime during that next year, I got a text from him. This wasn't one I could just ignore. No. He texted me to tell me he moved to North Carolina. He moved to the other side of the state with his mom, but still. TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT. Visions of marriage were still running through his mind, visions of the witness protection program in mine.

But then I got a call I wasn't expecting. A call from a friend of mine who knew my whole ordeal with him.She called to tell me Midget Stalker died. He died.

From a ruptured appendix.

I instantly felt horrible. Horrible he died, horrible I hadn't always been nice to him, just horrible. Because people just shouldn't die that young. (Please don't think I'm making light of this. It really was horrible and tragic. I'd willingly dodge his phone calls to have him alive again.)

And then I giggled. Because I have a condition known as "inappropriate laughter" (God rest his soul.). (So don't feel bad if you giggled too. If you tell me your dog died, I'll giggle. It's a coping mechanism I got from my mother.)

And I still giggle when I think about this story, even though it's been about 4 years or so. It's just one of those things you can't even make up.

Till death do us part.

12 comments:

  1. There are so many things I want to say about this - SO MANY.

    Let me start off by saying that Chris has legit midget cousins. Or little people cousins. Or whatever. He doesn’t see them very often, but he did point them out one time when we were in the market. I about died.

    #2– anyone is a midget to you, now that I know you’re 5’8.

    #3 – this guy sounds like a stage 5 clinger. I can’t believe he stalked you for that long, and then moved to NC! Oh, and I definitely didn’t see him dying at the end of this story. I thought maybe he settled down with some nice Lutheran girl. But dying? Whoa, did not see that coming.

    #4 – Nice mirror pic/orange phone/what is your friend reading?

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  2. He died? He died.

    Oh my gosh. he died.

    this is all I am concluding as my mouth hangs wide open, and then your "til' death do us part.." and my mouth hits the ground.

    Oh girl, this story.. oh mah' gosh.

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  3. That story took a turn I was NOT EXPECTING. I laughed, I cringed, I cried WHEN I FOUND OUT HE DIED. Seriously though, RIP. Hopefully in his next life he has better luck with women.

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  4. omg now that is a freaking story. when you mentioned being in school i oddly pictured bella and edward from twilight..but a midget...

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  5. Wowww...that is...hilariously sad. Mostly hilarious. But sad. You know what I mean.

    I definitely laughed inappropriately hard at the whole "'Til death do us part" comment. Perfect.

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  6. Holy twist ending! Totally want expecting that. I kept picturing the kid from Simon Birch. I guess the ending did fit, then.

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  7. Oh dear. What a story. There's not really much you could add to make a story any more bizarre, so it definitely must be true!

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  8. now that's a story! oh, the days of AIM...i've got quite a few from those days too.
    new to your blog, glad to be following now :)

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  9. I read this to my husband Karl. He was very entertained.

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  10. He died of a broken heart, OBVIOUSLY.

    I have an irrational fear of midgets. Truth.

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  11. This story is just filled with so much goodness.
    You, for real, had a midget stalker. THAT needs to go down in the books man...that is crazy!

    RIP MS

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  12. awe, this is sad, and funny. poor thing.

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