stream of consciousness, vol. 1

I'm borrowing this idea from my friend Shay who has a knack for writing rambly posts that are amazing and hilarious. Much like her. 

So without further ado, I present to you my thoughts. Unedited. (Yikes)

My outfit is all janky today. When I got to work I noticed a mysterious smudge on my pants. My shirt has a boatneck neckline, so my bra straps keep popping out to say hi. I couldn't find my black TOMS this morning, and I forgot to grab my scarf. I thought that would mean this would be the worst day ever, but so far I haven't killed anyone yet so I think we're good.

I have a stack of rent checks to enter into a cash log, but before I can do that I have to download a spreadsheet of all our tenants on eviction, so I know which checks to hold and which to accept. The problem is, PFF and I share a username and password for the program, and she's on it ALWAYS. And only one person can be logged on at a time. I tried a handful of times to log on and download the spreadsheet, but before I can even click the right button I get the "you have been logged off" message which makes me straight up angry and homicidal and please pass the chocolate before I have a meltdown. Sometimes I'll keep logging on anyway, because I know that it logs her off. And sometimes, through the wall I can hear her scream at her computer and it makes me feel a teeny bit better, because THAT is how I feel every day trying to get these checks done. I know. I'm a bad person. But sometimes I just get to the end of my rope with her everything.

Speaking of her, she has yet to take down the Christmas decorations. There are still decorations from the 80s all around my desk, and the Christmas tree is still up. I don't know if she realizes it's her job to take them to the storage closet. I would do it, but I can't leave my desk for long. So there we are.

I realized last night that I'm the only woman in the world who doesn't watch The Bachelor. I just have zero desire. I think the whole concept of the show is kind of disgusting for some reason. But then again, I've watched Jersey Shore, so I have no right to judge. BUT....did anyone watch Downton Abbey on Sunday night?!? I need someone to discuss every single detail with. I can't stop thinking about it! SO MANY THINGS TO SAY.

I saw that some blogger wrote about a class on Pinterest. PINTEREST. A class on Pinterest. Why? Why is this necessary? I mean, ok, Pinterest was a little confusing at first, but once you start pinning a couple things you get the hang of it quickly. But a class? That seems like too much. I think my beef is more with bloggers who think they are experts on all things and must charge you a lot of money for them to share their genius with you. I've seen a lot of this lately and it annoys me to no end. But lesbehonest, what doesn't annoy me these days?

I'm an expert on one thing. One thing I could charge the big bucks for. I could teach you how to take sneaky pictures of people without them noticing. It's a gift, my friends. A talent I was born with. And it's my duty to share it with the world.

Hallelujah! I was finally able to get on long enough to grab the spreadsheet I need. Only took an hour. Now I guess I have to go do some work.

I'll leave you with this. This is me attempting a Jim Halpert face yesterday when a coworker told me I looked dressed up (not any more than usual) so he didn't recognize me at first and figured I had finally been replaced.

I look like I forgot my dentures.


  1. Love streak of conscience posts! They are so easy! And yours is funny! Also, you nailed the Jim Halpert face (not to mention I already pictured you working in that office), and screw dumb man who didn't recognize you. And I am not liking the use of the word "finally", unless it was in a "you're free!" Context. Dumb dumb.

  2. Also, I don't know what a streak of conscience is, but my iPhone apparently likes that word better than stream. Either that or my manhand got confused.

  3. The bachelor is my guilty pleasure. Sometimes it just feels so good to go through two straight hours of shamless judging. haha
    I both love it and hate it. The same goes for Jersey Shore, but I only catch that when it's on. The Bachelor I go out of my way to watch. haha
    and if someone is willing to pay me, I will teach a class on Pinterest. Heck, if someone is willing to pay me, I'd do just about anything.
    and I love your Jim face. It was the high light of my day yesterday.

  4. I was thinking about doing a post like this...and then thought, maybe not. I think about dodgy things WAY too much anyway and writing them down would be scary for you all.
    I saw the Pinterest class and said OUT LOUD 'What the fuck?????'. Seriously?????
    How stupid do you have to be to not understand pinterest? I swear if I see one more 'Blogging 101' I might just scream.
    I discovered http://getoffmyinternets.net today. Oh dear...

  5. You are not alone in having never seen the bachelor.
    I think I'd be logging PFF off too just to hear her scream, but then again I have a bit of an evil streak sometimes ;)
    Your "lesbehonest" made me think of Fat Amy and Pitch Perfect and now I feel the need to watch it again.

  6. Hey lady! Love this idea for a post. Funny thing.... Last night at dinner I was just telling my husband that I don't know why The Bachelor is even a show anymore because the girls are annoying and catty and the possibility of the relationship working after the show airs is close to nil. Seriously ABC, find another original idea.

    I am dying to watch the season 3 premiere of Downton Abbey. It's safely stored on my DVR to be watched soon. I would love to discuss with you.

  7. Your blog makes me happy. Also please please please write a post on all your Downton Abbey thoughts!!! Please?!

  8. "I think my beef is more with bloggers who think they are experts on all things and must charge you a lot of money for them to share their genius with you."


    Also, you threw in a lesbehonest and that makes me the happiest of all happy.

    I don't watch The Bachelor. I have enough trouble keeping up with all of my Bravo shows!

  9. You're the best. But, so is the Bachelor. I tell myself every season that "I DON'T HAVE TIME TO GET EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN ANOTHER SHOW" especially since it is two hours long (eek) but as soon as one of the first girls tripped getting out of the limo and fell while walking up to meet the bachelor for the first time, I couldn't look away. PEOPLE FALLING IS NEVER NOT HILARIOUS. I'M SORRY.

    I need you to teach me how to stealthily take pictures, seriously. One of my favorite past times is taking secret pictures of my friends, then waiting a few days and sending it to them completely out of context. It gets a laugh maybe one out of ten times.

    I like your Jim Halpert face. And your regular face, too. I have been spending too much time lately working on my Robert DeNiro impression. And by impression I really just mean making a face that looks (to me) exactly like him and shrugging my shoulders. I'll have to show you sometime! ;)

  10. I don't watch the bachelor either. It was on at Andy's cousins last night and you better believe I had a ton of snarky comments to make. The fact that these girls are my age and they are on this show scares me.

    Cray told me I looked good today. She's up to something. I know it.

  11. If you need a class for Pinterest, you shouldn't be on the internet. At all.
    Also, I don't watch the bachelor ever, which is why your tweet made me LOL when I saw it. I was flipping channels last night and caught about 1 minute of it. It's just so. . . I don't even have a word for it really.

  12. Justin used the word Janky the other day and I shamed him. But know that I know that other people use it I will have to apologize. DAMN YOU, Grams!

    I don't watch The Bachelor either. Its embarrassing. It hurts my feelings for those girls.

    I am glad that PFF the tree is still up. It should have seasonal decorations, I think.

    You should make a class for being awesome. And charge a bazillion dollars.

  13. I only watch the Bachelorette. Says the girl who watched The Bachelor with my boyfriend last night.

    PFF can choke on the unicorn she rides to work every day. ahahahahahah. how funny was that? so funny.

    1. Thanks for the shout out! So nice of you to find my ramblings worthwhile.

  14. I'm pretty sure that forgetting to grab a scarf in the winter time is ALWAYS going to lead to a bad day. I did the same thing this morning. Apparently it's contagious.

    I love that you log onto that program JUST to hear PFF get kicked off. LOVE. I wish I could do that to my annoying coworker. All day long.

    I can't stand that bloggers charge for idiotic things like Pinterest, or "how to grow your blog," or whatever else they come up with. Because seriously, how hard is it to write a post...comment on others' posts...swap buttons occasionally if that's your jam...? There. That'll be $500, please.

    I do not understand the attraction of shows like The Bachelor/Bachelorette either. I think it's disgusting that one man says "I love you" and makes out/ETCETERA with multiple women in one show. You know what he would be called in real life? A cheating dog. But for some reason on that show it's perfectly acceptable. Gag me with a pitchfork.

  15. OH and your Jim face? Absolutely perfect.

  16. ha ha, oh dear. a class on Pinterest is a bit much. I wrote a post on it... but it was about 400 words & done. (and mostly my pet peeves, lol)

    and love the jim face!

  17. haha you're great, when is your new column going to be published!??

  18. Last night I was feeling like I was the only one who didn't watch the Bachelor. (I didn't really need too. My twitter feed kept me updated.) Please continue to kick PFF off the program. And then innocently say, "oops. I didn't know. Sorry." And bat your eyelashes.

    In other news, please sign up for my class on how to online shop. I will teach you the secrets of putting things in your shopping cart and leaving them there until they go on sale.

  19. Well that makes at least two of us who do not watch the Bachelor! I can't imagine the look my husband would give me if I tried to turn that on our tv, but I really wasn't ever interested in it even when I still had over my own remote.

  20. You and I both don't watch the Bachelor. And then I'm that girl who didn't bother to comment on 20 blogs, because all they were talking about was the Bachelor.

    I am such a bitch sometimes.

    I have so many things to tell you about work tomorrow. You aren't going to believe them. I really should never have told my co-workers about my blog, because now I can't share EVERYTHING on there like you do.

    This is a stream of consciousness comment. Sorry.

  21. The pros and cons to wearing a boatneck shirt. I hate that!
    PFF needs to go. Can I fire her? Or say things to her that will make her want to quit? She's not even my coworker and she's annoying me.
    I also saw that blogger talking about the pinterest class. I just shook my head in shame and sent up a prayer for that person's stupidity.


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