2.11.2013

I am no longer immune



You guys, I think I'm sick.

Not a cold. Not a flu. Not chlamydia.

No, I'm talking about something much more serious. Something that seems to target women in their 20s and 30s. Something that can even come between spouses and cause tension in relationships.

I'm talking about baby fever.

I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell (couldn't resist!)

Ok, moving on.

I've been strong enough to fight off this raging epidemic except for a few minor bumps, but it finally got ahold of me this time. Maybe it's the new overwhelming job that has me yearning to stay home with onesies and strollers, but I can't seem to shake it this time. My ovaries sing the Hallelujah Chorus every time a newborn picture pops up on instagram, and I can't help but search Pinterest for nursery ideas. I want a bump (ok, I hate that word) that seems to be the hottest fashion accessory not sold in stores. And then at a church yesterday? A blasted baby dedication. Someone call 911, because it's going to take professional help to get me over this one.

So moms, quick! Tell me a horror story! You'll never hear me ask this again, but desperate times call for desperate measures: tell me about your kid's blowout. Tell me about the tantrums. Tell me about anything obnoxious and/or disgusting they do. Remind me that they turn into angsty teenagers. Sit next to me and read this to me until I calm down. Anything that will help me keep this at bay for another year or two until we're situated enough to procreate.

But oh dear God, just tell me something before I conveniently "lose" all my birth control.

TMI?

Sorry. Just send help.

25 comments:

  1. lol! I have baby fever too and I swear its scaring the crap out of my husband!

    My sister has two kids, and they say the SILLIEST things. they also treat me like their own personal jungle gym (they are 2 and 5) When M, the eldest, was 2, he went around asking all males (in public, no less) if they had penis'. Made me LOL but I think it modified his mom.

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  2. I've got nothing for ya.
    I am currently experiencing the same thing so will check back here for some horror stories to keep my ovaries in check.

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  3. Every time I think I want to have a baby, I think, "Would I be able to spend my nights in bed with my Ipad, watching shows and playing games? Nope." And then I'm cured!

    Nico put me off kids for another couple of years. He's in his toddler stage now and he's driving me crazy!

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  4. The first time I was left alone, truly alone, to babysit in about 9th or 10th grade, the baby acted like a sweet, sweet angel for the hour or so when the parents hung around and finished getting ready and let me warm up to the little devil. I kid you not, the SECOND the door shut that thing was SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER for the entire time the parents were gone. I was sweating and panicking and was near calling my mom to have her come save me. The baby only stopped screaming long enough to projectile vom on my favorite Delia's shirt. It was the longest three hours of my life.

    :)

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  5. I'm trying to come up with terrible things my little one has done, but they always get over shadowed by how cute she is and how sweet she can be.

    If you really want to be put off babies I could tell you the honest truth about giving birth. I did it completely naturally the first time (Not to be repeated this time!) so I have a beautifully colorful experience I could share, ha! That would keep you off wanting to have babies...for awhile.

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  6. When baby fever strike, I go to YouTube and search "toddler tantrums". That usually holds me over for a little while. This is currently my preferred method of birth control:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0MaxPa3MyQ

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  7. I think you should be soliciting birth stories. I know most bloggers are going to share only the pretty, happy parts, but there is some business about birth that everyone seems to conveniently forget. ;)

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  8. Dude I want a baby so badly, but I will say (for me) pregnancy is a bitch. I am a walking hormone and I am starting to hate my husband. The bump is only "cute" at times. Mostly it gets in the way and makes you have to move in strange ways just to turn over at night. Also something they don't talk about- constipation. I'm going there. I'm saying it. I'm miserable over here. No one tells you. Also I have raging heartburn which prevents me from eating everything I crave. I'm a hot mess. You will figure it out. No time is ever the perfect time, but appreciate your body now because it takes on a new form the second you get two pink lines.

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  9. I am 13 weeks pregnant. I am getting over a cold. You know what sucks about having a cold now? I can't take anything, since I'm still in the first trimester. No cold meds, no cough drops, nothing to make any of it better. But if you really want it, here goes nothing: you worry constantly if your kid will be born with something horrible (disease, defect, or at the least, be born with crappy parents), constipation and diarrhea simultaneously, no deli meat, no unpasteurized cheese (you will be asking every restaurant if X,Y,Z are safe), you have to think about every thing you put in your body, you are insanely tired the first 13 weeks- sleeping all the time- there's no true way to describe it until it happens, then you worry some more, you have to be okay with gaining a lot of weight and not feeling bad about it or worrying about not fitting into clothes, and despite everything I just typed here, it's awesome. Because I'm growing a tiny human in me and I'm already starting to feel that crazy parenting love. Just make sure you're as ready as you can be, whatever that means for you & your husband. If not, live vicariously through pregnant people, parents, and their blogs. That's what my friends are doing through me.

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  10. I do not have baby fever, and I think sometimes my family is somewhat frightened at the prospect that maybe Angel and I will never want kids. It's really not an option considering our families. I have nothing against kids. I think they are really one of the only things we humans can accomplish that lasts forever (People are eternal--every other human accomplishment is most definitely not eternal). I enjoy children and their company very much, and I want to be a an awesome stay at home homeschooling Mom. But I do not like pregnancy or small small infants at all. And that's what stops me. I wish I could think of a way to get from now to having kids without pregnancy. I've suggested adoption but Angel says, "Having your own babies is just so much easier and cheaper." Yep, easy for him to say.

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  11. I have had the fever for 2 years now. Yep, 2 whole years. It's a nightmare. I get brief respite when my co-workers say lovely things like "you should squirt out a baby already", or they talk about episiotomies. And screaming toddlers are like kryptonite for baby fever. Go walk through Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon. It seriously helps

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  12. I don't have baby fever per se. I am coming around to the idea of having kids sooooomeday. I have a full time cure. I teach middle school, and let me tell you, no matter how cute they are when they're born they all turn into angsty teenagers. They do weird things, they say weird things, they smell, they cry because the boy that they used to like likes someone else and the world is ending, they ask more questions that you can fathom, they disrespect, they forget everything, and they don't want to figure anything out on their own. There. I hope that helped.

    *Disclaimer: I love my job, and they do and say hilarious things. I had one kid ask me what an orgasm is...in the middle of class.

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  13. I had to skip over all the comments because I am so in the negatives of baby hunger, that I can't stand to read one more horror story. I'll never have babies. haha

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  14. My daughter has pooped on my floor more times than my dog has. And played in it.

    She has no problem sitting on your face when she's naked... gross.

    After you give birth, you have a period for 4-6 weeks. Heavy.

    You like going to the movies? No more. Restaurants? Not really. Stay up longer than 9pm? Nope.
    Check out my recent blog post all about that: http://www.scatteredseashells.com/2013/02/things-that-were-easier-before-having-a-baby.html

    BTW, I love my baby with all my heart and wouldn't trade it. But maaaan it's hard!

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  15. I'm torn between telling you that there is "never a perfect time" to have a baby, and that they do all kinds of crazy things, but are so worth it in the end. . . and telling you that at 27 weeks pregnant, I can't wait for this stage to be over with because I. Am. So. Uncomfortable.
    Finding out you're pregnant is an amazing feeling. Then you'll be (im)patiently awaiting that "bump" you speak of, because for a little bit you just kind of look chubby. Then once the bump is there, and half your clothes don't fit and you can't see your hoo-ha for proper grooming, and turning over in bed at night is a fiasco, and you're constantly uncomfortable you'll wonder "why did I want to get bigger!?".
    THEN. . .then s/he will start kicking and it will be the most awesome/weird thing ever. Until s/he starts kicking you so hard you'd swear they were trying to escape your body just below your ribs! Then, they will continue to do this all day/night - while you try to sleep.
    So sure, there are lots of downsides to think about - but there are also a lot of upsides to keep that baby fever raging(the adorable-ness of an infant, the cuddles, the first - everythings (smiles, laughs, coos, etc.), loving someone more than you ever thought possible). If it weren't worth it then people wouldn't do it more than once.
    Good luck with that fever!!! ;)

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  16. There is NOTHING better than being a mom!! Oh yes, there is poop and tantrums and boogers and teething and sleepless nights. But they are SO worth it, like so so so worth it. Having your own kids is the most amazing thing in. the. world. (I can't stand other people's kids). So I say, if you are feeling the pull, it's time. Just take the plunge. Do it now. There will never be a better time.

    ps- I think everyone should have a thousand babies, so I'm always going to encourage wives to do it now! If you want some good literature on the topic I highly recommend "Start a Family. Inspiration for Having Babies". Great book! ;)

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  17. I hung out with some friends the other day and one of them has a two year old. I came home and started reconsidering ever wanting children. My friend is way too nice to him. He's just so whiney and misbehaved. It's not that she's a bad parent but, man, her kid drives me nuts.

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  18. I have the same epidemic! Almost every week at church they announce another baby being born. It's insane! My hubby definitely makes sure I'm not skimping on the birth control front. :-) Good luck! ;-)

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  19. Oh man. I've got the fever too.

    But I teach preschool and the number of potty accidents I clean up and noses I wipe remind me I can wait a few years :p

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  20. I'm afraid I'm not going to be much help here. Especially after watching home videos of Isaiah as a toddler. Now I want a little boy that looks exactly like him, and I can't stop thinking about it.

    And I've read every nasty, disgusting, horrible birth story there is, and heard all the poop/vomit/snot stories and seen the terrible two's in full force with others' kids, and none of it makes me want kids any less.

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  21. I have the fever too. I am no hope for you whatsoever. We babysat for a couple hours this weekend (she is 1 1/2) and was so super cute and fun. We read books, and played with blocks and danced. Me and my ovaries couldn't take it any more.

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  22. Ahh, I had it. My best friend had a baby two months ago and now look at me? I've got the bump. Well, not the bump. It's just fat right now (or definitely looks/feels like that). All I can say to help you is that pregnancy makes you want, no, NEED to eat all the time, have the weirdest and most annoying feelings in your stomach, and make you want to sleep ALL THE TIME.

    Good luck to you! :)

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  23. Um...kids are horrible? You know I'm going to be a really bad liar on this.

    Labor is horrible, though. Think about labor.

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  24. STOP IT. Stop. STOP. On my flight home yesterday, there was not one - not two - not three - BUT FOUR SCREAMING CHILDREN. I was dying. In addition to the tiny ginger that was kicking my seat.

    STOP IT!

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  25. hmmm....i'm not a mom, but i'll tell you my secrets to keeping the mental birth control cap on the hallelujah-chorus-singing-ovaries...

    i read horror stories of moms who go into their 6 week post-birth appointment. their over-dramatic truth keeps the "oh i sooo want a baby!!" hormones calm. it freaks me out thinking a baby is going to plow through the lady parts. yeah. i've seen two births over the last 6 months. for only a week ---only a week!!!-- i am cured into thinking and believing that i'll want to wait 5 years even after we get married.
    unfortunately, that mindset doesn't last, and i'm looking at cute maternity and packs of adorable onesies a few days after the week anniversary of the trauma.

    so.
    i nanny this little boy.
    he's 4 months old.
    he wakes up every 2 hours. to feed. and to get changed. because he pees a lot. because he's well hydrated.
    and the parents don't get that much sleep!!
    just think how much you like sleep.
    yeah.

    also, the first things to spring to my mouth (when a sibling teases me about the high chances of fertility between justin and i and if we have an oopsies 6 months or less into marriage) are: i don't want nausea and exhaustion that soon. or to have to start researching and saving for a midwife/doctor, saving for diapers, taking prenatal vitamins, etc etc etc etc.....yeah.
    and did i mention the lady parts being forever changed? i know that recovery is SOOO possible and there IS an amnesia that comes about after a time, or else people wouldn't have more than 1 kid all the time!

    that's my story of encouragement.
    but i have to say...and this is speaking as a part-time nanny....just as you're getting tired at the thought of the lil kiddo waking up in 1/2 hour for his almost-due feeding and you're still trying to finish laundry....he wakes up and smiles the sweetest smile at you. and you know that this is why the world goes on. and that there IS, after all, a gorgeous, challenging circle of Life going on. and it all grows us up, makes us better and worse in all sorts of different ways.

    sheesh. why don't i freaking blog this?! i need a blog post. maybe. but am i used to being this blunt and honest on my OWN blog? i mean, heck, obviously your blog is so dang inspiring, it's drawing words out of me. sentences and paragraphs. holy crap.

    i'll leave you alone to decide your fate.
    re-read the first 2/3 of my comment. ahem. ignore the part about sweetness. :P :D

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