panic mode

put this on my tombstone someday

Yesterday I wrote a really happy post about how life is wonderful and sparkly and there are fluffy bunnies everywhere. And I really felt that way, but I was nervous to post it. You see, irrational as this may be, I'm always scared that when I post something happy like that, something awful will happen that will make me want to retract everything I said. I am in no way superstitious, but sometimes it does feel like the world is playing tricks on me, and things like that just happen to me.

But I took a risk and I posted it anyway. And two hours later I got a text from my friend, whose apartment I had been at several weeks ago. Turns out, thanks to an evil ex roommate of hers, she has a little invasion of evil critters....I'm still too paranoid and anxiety-ridden to use their actual name, so let's call them fed fugs. I've been highly paranoid of these little devils for the last year, especially since they were a problem at my last job (now you know another reason I was clawing my way out of there), and they are an actual epidemic in the city I live in. Anyway, it seems that unbeknownst to any of us that the time, I shared a couch for several hours with these suckers. And since she is a good person, she gave me a heads up as soon as she found out so I could be on high alert.

Problem is, I was at work and couldn't leave for another 7 hours. And because my default reaction to everything is to panic, I panicked. I panicked at the thought of my potentially infested apartment. My skin started crawling and itching, and I scratched at invisible fed fugs all day long (and I'm still doing it. Help). I was/am so anxious I can't even stress eat, and that is one of my God-given talents. All I wanted was the magic hour of 4:16 to hit so I could clock out, drive home as fast as I could, and rip the sheets off the bed and investigate it and the surrounding areas.

And investigate I did. For a solid hour. I think, ladies and gentlemen, that I'm ok. I think there are no fed fugs up in this joint. In fact, I'm nearly positive of this fact since I've been on high alert for the past year and have not seen one shred of evidence of their existence. But if you could tell my skin to stop crawling, that would be great. This whole psychosomatic situation isn't calming down. And neither is my anxiety. I spent the day sweating and shaking and tense and fidgety and telling my heart to stop palpitating all over the gosh darn place, and I woke up this morning feeling the same way. I almost threw out everything we own just to be safe. I've considered grabbing my laptop, cat, wedding rings, and burning everything else to the ground. You know, basic preventative measures. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep away my anxiety, but my bed is the cause of my anxiety right now. Basically LIFE COULD NOT BE WORSE.

But everything is ok. EVERYTHING IS OK. Say it with me now: EV-ER-Y-THING-IS-OH-KAY.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.


Breathe in, breathe out.

Tell me something. Tell me something funny.

Anything. Just distract me so I stop scratching my skin off.


  1. i'm not good at helping distract because i am the EXACT same way!! we found a tick on the dog while walking the other night, then one on tim's leg like 2 mins later. i was in an itchy panic ALL NIGHT! so, i feel your pain? but have no idea how to not be this wedding. i'm glad you didn't find anything while investigating!

    Don't make me come over there ;) (although that would be awesome!!)

    Think of all the energy that you are using up by worrying that could be spent otherwise for awesome things and if you haven't found any then I am so darn confident that you won't!!

    Take a second, breathe and thing of cute kittens.
    Always works for me xxxxx

  3. I have the same exact problem with fed fugs... the girls in the dorm room next to ours JUST had them. They got the room treated or whatever, but they all couldn't handle it so they moved out early. Luckily my roommates and I don't ever go over there or talk to those girls at all, but I'm just expecting the fed fugs to show up any day now. Every morning I wake up convinced I'll find them. I almost tricked myself into seeing a bite this morning. It's stressful, to say the least. Glad to hear you don't have them though! Take a deep breath!

  4. I saw this on Shark Tank once. If I lived in your city, they would be all over my house! http://www.buggybeds.com/pages/faq

  5. AHHHH I had a day full of panic from FED FUGS too! Around Thanksgiving, I woke up one day with three little bites on my arm. After some frantic googling I diagnosed myself with a set of fed fug bites (because they're always in multiples and are usually in a straight line, which mine were) so I was PANICKING and itching and freaking out the whole day. When I got home I tore my room apart. Moved the furniture, everything. Bought a new mattress topper thing. I'm 99.98% sure it wasn't those little suckers, but better to be safe than sorry!!


  6. The first thing I do when I go to a hotel is check for fed fugs. UGH. How gross. I'm glad you didn't find any - I was worried.

    You know what makes me panic? The fact that you get to leave work at 4:16 and I have another 44 minutes to go. Remember our countdown? I miss that.

    I posted a ridiculous video of myself, so feel free to laugh at that.

  7. Andy once had a flea infestation in his apartment. It was awful.

    In better news, my dad spends about three to four nights a week in a hotel for his job and has never once encountered fed fugs. I think it's pretty rare that you transfer them.

  8. GIRL! OH MY GOSH. listen. Aaron and I bought these amazing (albeit: ROUGH) end tables at a thrift store in town. They were pretty rough, but I had plans for some good TLC for them. I bought them just before our wedding. I cleaned them and INSPECTED them up and down for fed fugs. Seriously. I looked like a crazy lady, but I had to be safe. So, brought them home. Cleaned them really well. We left them in the kitchen for a while as I hand plans to paint them outside. Well, with wedding planning, etc. nothing really happened. We cleaned them again and brought them in the bedroom as our end tables. THEY WERE PERFECT, size and shape, curvy legs.. P E R F E C T. Well... out of nowhere I started getting little bumps on my arms.. and my shoulders, even my face once. But Aaron had nothing. It was the end of summer and I thought it must be bugs like mosquitos or something because we did spend lots of time outside. But, they kept coming! and they were huge bites. Google to the rescue (or to the torture, you pick). we had an infestation. seriously. I freaked the heck out!!! got rid of TONS OF STUFF. stayed up for weeks as I couldn't sleep thinking they were still in there. We moved our bed (after we de-fed fugged it - HAH) and put a cover on it to entrap ANY AND ALL that perhaps were still in there. We slept in our living room for two months. I sprayed and vacuumed and did everything the internet said to do. and.. you know what?! They were gone!!!!! IT IS A MIRACLE. haha Seriously. I am PRAYING with everything I have that you don't get them. I kept thinking how disgusting we had to be to get those, but I had to realize, we are CLEAN people. This can happen to anyone, depending on where you live, where you go and WHAT YOU BUY. So be careful, as I am sure you are :)

    also- I have literally NEVER posted this on the internet, so I must love you!

  9. You need a distraction, big time.

    Here. Watch this.

    1) It has Aubrey Plaza. Automatic win.
    2) You will want their house (but you'll have to fight me for it).
    3) Portlandia.



  10. Laugh at this to distract you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5jw3T3Jy70
    Perhaps it's just me and I'm super weird, but I was dying laughing all through this.

  11. I blanked on a distraction, but seriously - rub your skin, not scratch. Surface friction will be sufficient to remove/discover hypothetical somethings, and feel satisfying without breaking your skin. I do this when I get the creepy-crawlies, because before I used to TEAR myself UP. So, put the claws away, trauma-kitty. We can at least mitigate our neurotic behavior!

  12. We have FERMITES. It makes me want to cry.

    That was a 1-down, not 1-up. I am glad you don't have Fed Fugs though.

  13. Oh my lord.

    This is horrifying. Thank goodness you remained infest free

  14. All types of bugs freak me out. When I teach about lice and crabs I can't help but get all itchy all over. Right now we have an ant infestation (in our house and in my classroom.) Apparently ants are super bad right now in Oregon. Luckily no fed fugs though.

  15. Oh man. I had to learn about the fed fugs for work too. Don't worry, there's a highly effective heat treatment they can do to zap the suckers without you sacrificing all of your things. It does destroy blinds though, so take those down first if you need to do it. But they cook your apartment at 116 degrees for 8 hours, and the little effers are gone for good. Don't stress, it's gonna be fine!!! Also, if you were sleeping with them, you would have welts and bites. Since you don't have those, no reason to stress. You are all good!


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