4.01.2013

why I still hate walmart

oh the things we went through to make this picture happen.

On Saturday I took my life/sanity into my own hands, and I went to Walmart. First off, you should know something about me and Walmart: I HATE IT.  With an absolute undying hatred. The chaos, the people, the ghettoness, EVERYTHING. Just kill me. During college, I unfortunately had to frequent this little shop of horrors for groceries, since the other grocery stores in town sold things at three times the price. But when I moved back to the land of Kroger, I told myself I will never go to Walmart. Never again! You will have to pluck my Kroger card out of my cold dead hands before I will set foot in a Walmart again. But as the chinese philosopher Justin Bieber once said, never say never.

With that out of the way, I'll continue. If you remember, I got a bike for my birthday. And it is glorious and everything I ever could have dreamed of. My mint green bike is the closest I will ever get to riding a unicorn on a rainbow. The problem is, James doesn't have a bike anymore, and I need someone to hit the bike paths with. I don't want to go alone, so I've instead ridden my bike around our apartment complex like a 7 year old riding her bike on the sidewalk of her suburban neighborhood. It was a little wonderful and a little embarrassing all at once. If I still had a bell on the handlebar like my early 90s pastel-colored Huffy bike did, I would've been ring-a-ding-a-dinging it all up and down the road that splits our complex with the senior citizen condos.

So Saturday afternoon we decided it was time to get James a bike. There are plenty of expensive bike stores within a one mile radius of our apartment, but all we needed was something cheap. No bike snobs here! After a little internet cruising, James decided on Walmart, and I panicked. I panicked because if James goes to Walmart to buy a bike, I have to go to Walmart to buy bike. Not that he can't do it himself, but let's be serious. He's a man and I don't always trust him to pick out something not hideous. So I tagged along for quality control purposes.

We walked into Walmart, and James lead me to the bike section while all my energy was focused on squelching the nightmare flashbacks of cart bumps and 2 hour checkout lines and living vicariously through the nearby toddler throwing a fit. We found the bike aisle and James scouted out the goods while I accidentally broke a bike seat, got caught playing with the hula hoops by an employee, and knocked a bunch of things off the shelves. It was productive. After a good twenty or thirty minutes of pros and cons, James found a bike he loved, and more importantly, I loved. We were set. All we needed to do was buy it. I told James to start wheeling that sucker to the register, but he said oh, Michelle no! That's not how it works! He then told me about how we have to take some piece of paper from some thing on the display and go tell someone because didn't you know this is the display bike and we can't just take it home? I was flabbergasted and altogether relieved I hadn't bought a bike and made a fool out of myself.

So we went to find a Walmart employee who are surprisingly hard to find when needed, yet seemingly ubiquitous whilst I am playing with the hula hoops. We finally found someone, told him we were ready to buy a bike, and he said "I'm busy, go talk to the guy in the photo center. His boss works with the bikes sometimes." We were a little confused, but onward we trudged through aisles of rollback DVDs and barbies. We found the guy, told him of our situation, and he said "Well I can't help you. But I'll show you who can help you." I stifled a sigh, and we followed him right back to where we started: the sporting goods department. He lead us up to the counter where he told us to stand in line behind several men buying fishing licenses, one of them being short, old, and asian, while the other was your typical, run of the mill douchebag: tall, wearing gym clothes, spiked and gelled hair, and sporting earbuds and laughing constantly to himself about his texting conversation. The guy behind the counter was fresh out of the womb, nary a facial hair to be seen. My confidence in the situation was waning, and I might have sent some eye lasers to anyone near me.

After roughly twenty minutes of looking at ammo and lunch boxes, the spitting image of Jonathan Taylor Thomas (cue heart palpitations) walked behind the counter and asked how he could help. By this time, the nine year old selling fishing licenses had walked away. We told JTT our frustrations, and he said he would find someone to help. 15 minutes later he came back and told us to follow him. We followed JTT over to the bikes, where he said the person who could help us would be waiting. Except there was no one there. I started to get mad, but really, you can't be mad at Jonathan Taylor Thomas. You just can't. So I wasn't. I awkwardly looked around at the pool toys when JTT told us the man we were looking for had showed up. I looked up, and much to my surprise, it was the nine year old. And I cried a little inside. James handed him the paper with the bike info, and the nine year old said "Oh, you don't need this! Just take the bike you want up to the register. It's funny though, because no one thinks you can do that. Everyone thinks you need this paper, but you don't."

I felt so many emotions: FURIOUS that I had gone through all of that for nothing, excitement because hello, I was right again! and massively starstruck because I had just met Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and he works at Walmart of all places! A lot has changed since the Home Improvement days...

We finally bought the darn bike and then went to our second least favorite place: Kroger. And it was nearly as bad as Walmart. But we went on an evening bike ride that made up for the headache. Except we sort of forgot about the part where we have nowhere to put these bikes aka they are in our living room. It's like having two new roommates. And it's all Walmart's fault!

Ok, so maybe the whole thing is our fault too. But it's more fun to blame Walmart.

21 comments:

  1. I feel the same way about Walmart. Or I did until about a year ago when a brand-new Walmart was built in the "fancy" part of town. Man, that thing is nice. I go there all of the time because it's closer to where I work. The only weirdos I've come across are those working for that cult... I mean discount chain.

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  2. oh, walmart. i hate it too, i will avoid at all costs. my husband swears target is more expensive, and i say i will gladly pay more. i can't handle the ghettoness either, it just feels dirty in there. glad you got your bikes! you should look into those hipster bike wall hooks!

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  3. Always blame Walmart. Why is it always so freakin' crowded? And where are all of the employees?

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  4. AH, WALMART. That place is a cesspool filled with weirdos. I avoid mine most of the time, too- unless I need to go swimming in the $5 movie bin because I CANNOT PASS THAT UP..EVER.

    You find a way to make even the most insane situations SO hilarious!!!! Now, start riding your bike towards Mechanicville.

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  5. I haven't stepped foot in a Walmart since early December, and my goal for the year is not to step foot in there again. Ever. With that being said, Target has some good bikes. One thing they still have going for them.

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  6. Confession: I have no problem fighting the trolls of Walmart for cheap groceries. Granted, I will do it with my headphones in because I can't stand listening to welfare mothers scream at their 8 kids.

    Oops. I don't (really care) want to offend anyone.

    BUT SERIOUSLY - JTT?? JTT???? I would've been too embarrassed to make eye contact. I wonder if he knows that he looks like JTT. I really wonder.

    SCHWINN. Love that bike. And everything you went through to get it.

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  7. I loathe Walmart. My husband and I went Saturday (which, since we live in a military town, was also payday) and I could have filled out a weirdo Bingo card. It was terrible. I still haven't decided if the commissary on base is any better.

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  8. Confession: We go to Wal-Mart all of the time. I try to avoid the weekends though. IT tends to be more sane during the week.

    My Kroger card is all battered and beat up, but I will never let it go. Even though they call it King Soopers out here, and they look a my k-rog card funny, I tell them to scan the thing and move on. Retail employees make me worry for humanity.

    Thank God that JTT could be there for you!

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  9. oh man. well I guess in the end you both get to ride bikes together?

    and, yeah, I never go to Walmart. Unless I need something CHEAP. then I suck it up.

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  10. Oh, Walmart. I have to confess, I do miss it a little bit - I miss getting stuff for cheap! I'd even brave the crazies right now, haha.

    You guys have good taste in bikes! I can't wait to hear about your bike riding adventures!

    One thing - have you noticed that once you mention you have a bike, all of a sudden EVERYONE is a bike expert and wants to know what kind you have, what model it is, what kind of tires....so they can tell you what THEY have. Blah blah blah. Maybe that's just happened to me a lot, but...it's annoying. Haha.

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  11. Seeing as how our closest Target is over an hour away, I find myself at Walmart often. I normally run into Kmart if it's just a little something I need but they are limited in what they have AND are more expensive! I just try to avoid Walmart on the 1st of the month. Not being mean but that place is shoulder to shoulder on the 1st. I've found the best time to go is late at night :)

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  12. Pro Tip: Start playing with hula hoop again to attract floor staff. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, and the stolen fruit tastes sweetest...combine rule-breaking with attention-getting behavior, add hula hoop, let simmer. Mixed metaphors FTW.

    You poor PTSD'd dear. Loved the feeling of reality detatching and floating away at the part where JTT retrieved the guy you needed, and it was the Nine-Year-Old of Fruitless Queues Past. (It's like the Ghost of Christmas Past, but so much less seasonal/happy.) You're a survivor, lass. Respect.

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  13. I dislike Walmart. Unfortunately, here in the South it's like all you have. I go to a ghetto one in a town called Ozark (nuff said) where middle aged black women wear plastic bags on their heads in the rain (gotta protect the hair) and old men sit on the benches inside the doors. None of the carts work, like someone took them all on joyrides. At least they have donuts there...

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  14. Had to laugh at this story, but I am with you! Walmart is the bane of my existence! I wrote a few posts a couple of years ago about my hatred for it.

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  15. I loathe Walmart. My sweetest mother works at one right now and after all of 6 months hates it, no sense in changing jobs right now though because we're moving and they'll transfer so she figures she'll transfer and then find a good job on their dime. Anyways, thing is, even with her employee discount I refuse to go to Walmart. We just have her bring us stuff after her shift haha

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  16. oh no. The WHOLE thing is Walmart's fault. don't EVEN blame yourself. I have PANIC attacks from the parking lot, through the aisles, to the cash registers and as I am cursing to myself in my car on the way home. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

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  17. Everything is Walmart's fault. I REFUSE to go there ever again. There is not enough xanax in the world for that.

    Amazing JTT reference. Oddly enough we had a convo about him on the way to vegas! That wasn't a one-up it was an equalness ;-)

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  18. Our midtown Walmart has bed bugs. I don't know if that says something about Walmart or more about the people in midtown Anchorage who frequent Walmart.

    I once had a mini-silent freak out in a Walmart where on the outside, I was simply fuming, but in the inside I'm screaming, "Beasts! You're all beasts and you don't even know!" I don't allow myself inside Walmart anymore.

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  19. Bahaha chinese philospher Justin Beiber! best thing ever.
    Your husband sounds a lot like mine. He has to figure out and know EVERY pro and con to everything. It drives me nuts. Me? If it's cute and it works, I'll buy it.

    If this situation were to happen to me, SO many expletives would've been said. Things like this drive me NUTS! Walmart might have lower prices (yeah right), but they are SO unorganized and you KNOW the employees hate their lives because they work there..which only means that the customer ends up hating THEIR life because they can't even get some customer service!

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  20. Please sign the petition on my page. It's time we bring Walmart down From discriminating and bullying people around Please join me To put this Billion dollar company in its place.

    I'm the man that got banned from all the Walmarts in the world Over something that never happened.

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