6 years ago

you think you're cool now, but this will make you cringe in 6 years

Dear 18 year old Michelle,

You're graduating high school today, June 4, 2007. I'm not going to tell you about college and the two years after, but I will tell you this: you date some pretty cute boys. Like, really cute. I'm telling you this because it's the only thing you care about right now. I don't forget that easily! And you're going to fulfill your lifelong dream of marrying a boy with an accent who plays guitar. No, not a British acc-STOP-keep reading! He doesn't have a British accent, but he has a southern one. You'll learn to accept the tradeoff in time. But in order to stave off future anxiety (who am I kidding? you're a nutcase), I have some things to tell you about the next six years:

1. At 8am today someone poisons the coffee. Do NOT drink the coffee.

OH! Sorry, wrong person. That was for Dwight. You'll know what I'm talking about next year.

2.  The boy you're dating is a toolbag. You're going to break up with him in several months and then do a happy dance around the house with two of your best friends. Then you'll see him and his fiance at Ikea 5 1/2 years later and make yourself proud.

3. Moving out of your parent's house is going to be a trillion times harder than you think it will. Don't be surprised if you cry your way through your first week of college. It gets better.

4. Remember that really mean boy who said all those horrible things to you, made fun of you, rear ended your car in the parking lot, and just generally made you miserable? Yeah, he lives in his parent's basement now. I know. I'd tell you to wipe the smirk off your face, but I still haven't wiped it off mine.

5. You're going to fall out of your chair when you find out what degree you graduate college with. It's the very last thing you would ever guess.

6. The real world is going to punch you in the face. You better start bracing yourself.

7. The dumb blonde who answered the question "what language do we speak in America?" with "Americanish" is going to be the girl who helps to sell you your wedding dress. I'm telling you this now because it will be in the top ten most uncomfortable moments of your life.

8. You finally stop matching the color of your underwear to your shirt. That was a weird phase, by the way. Why are you so weird?

9. You're going to learn how to channel your awkwardness and shyness into a sense of humor you don't fully realize you have yet. It won't make you any less shy or awkward, but it will help.

10. Don't worry. You'll eventually get the hang of doing your hair. Hang in there. 

11. You will be kicking yourself in a few years for caring so much about getting a tan. The older you get, the less you get teased about being pale. You eventually won't even think twice about it.

12. Working in an office is every bit as soul-sucking as you think it is. Sorry.

13. You haven't even heard of the university you will eventually graduate from. And yes, it's out of state. You're welcome. But don't be surprised when you find yourself missing Ohio and wanting to come back. I know it sounds crazy right now, but don't say I didn't warn you.

That's all I'm going to tell you. The next 6 years are insane and play out completely different than you could ever imagine.

 Now go have fun at your grad party. It's going to be awesome, and there may or may not be an Apples to Apples game that lasts 8 hours.

The older, wiser, and snarkier 24 year-old Michelle.


  1. My life has turned out the same, but also so different, than what I had planned when I graduated school. Funny how that works.

  2. This. Is. Perfect. Number 2, 4, 7... and a SPECIAL shoutout to number 8!!! I want to forward this to everyone.

  3. you matched your underwear with your shirt?? I'm dying. you are the best.

  4. 6. The real world is going to punch you in the face. You better start bracing yourself.

    That is the truest thing I have ever seen written down on a blog. EVER. I might even write about it..

    But, honestly, I was thinking about writing myself a letter. But all it would really say is, don't drink too much, try not to be weird and you will meet a nice boy, so don't worry too much. And that is like NO WHERE NEAR as cool as your post!

  5. I love this. YOU ARE SO WISE, 24 YEAR OLD MICHELLE. I needed you to tell me all of this six years ago.

    Matching your underwear to your shirt is HILARIOUSLY weird, you are the greatest.

    Number one is so special to me. JUST LIKE YOU

  6. Hahahaha, I love all of this. Every last bit. I have my 10 year reunion this year, and that alone makes me wonder where all of that time went. 17 year old Kristen and almost 28 year old Kristen have so little in common that it's sad. Well, they have in common that they are both me. That's it.

    Working in an office is a complete soul suck. I die a little more each and every day.

  7. #6 ...#6 is so true.

    I also went through a phase where I had to match my underwear to my shirt ...and if it was winter, my socks had to match too. Now, I'm lucky if I'm wearing the same two socks.

    #12...will we ever escape?

    PS: Love your new picture all the wayssss up there!

  8. I don't even know what to say to my 18 year old self...

    I'll just steal a few of yours :)

  9. #2. Yes. YES. That would be the first thing I would tell my 18 year old self.

  10. Love the Office episode! ...one of my favs!

  11. Is it weird that, while I don't TRY to match my underwear to my shirt, I secretly like it when it randomly happens?

  12. Ah, I wish I could tell myself to not worry about all those boys, but that's what it is. I'm glad that phase of life is over!

    And the hair thing.. I'm still trying to master it, but I'm better than my 18 year old self.

  13. Wonderful, funny post for younger you. :)

  14. It really is kind of crazy to think how things turn out so differently from the original "plan", but somehow they manage to turn out so much better and you end up happier. I'm curious to see what 24 year old Torie will say to 21 year old Torie. I get the feeling the next three years are going to be WILD.

  15. #4 = karma. No need to say the rest of that line :D
    I love you. You're so freaking hilarious.


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