7.15.2013

adventures in bathroom rug shopping. it was more exciting than you would think.

The Bellamy household is going through some changes. As of today we no longer have cable, so I've been watching through old episodes of Call the Midwife and RHOC that I haven't seen yet. And! We're moving in a week. With all this upheaval in our lives I thought, hey! Why not throw caution to the wind and get some new bathroom rugs? The ones we have are old and don't match each other or the shower curtain and it's been bothering me. I pulled up my Martha Stewart pants and decided to do something about it.

I heard Kohl's was having a sale, so I thought ehh, I'll give it a try even though Kohl's and I don't usually get along well. Every one I know who goes there finds amazing things at awesome prices (MY MOTHER), but every time I go there, all I can find are some middle aged woman's rejects. It's never a good experience. Ever. But I had renewed hope this time because I had found exactly what I wanted online before even setting foot in the store. I wanted dark grey bathroom rugs. That's it. Dark grey. The ones I wanted were on sale for six bucks. I mean, hello. I thought Kohl's and I were finally going to have our moment.

I got to Kohl's, awkwardly shuffled past the heaving displays of pastel pink old lady bras and walked into the bathroom rug oasis. I dodged herds of soccer moms and their carts in my hunt for the $6 grey rug. And guess what, I found them! Except they weren't grey; they were brown. A very brownish grey. They were hideous. No way in hades were they going on my bathroom floor. I scavenged the other sale rugs and found every single color under the sun except grey rugs. Correction: I found grey rugs, but on sale for $25 is not a deal. And I needed two rugs. In my opinion, fifty beans is too much to pay for something that lays on the floor next to the toilet. So I sighed and walked away empty handed.

I sat in the car and planned my next mode of attack. I had some fight left in me and wasn't ready to give up. I thought about Target, but their prices aren't exactly wonderful either.  I have a decent amount of things I need to get for the new place, so I needed a deal, people. I needed a deal. So I called James and told him to sit down because I had something very important to say. I told him I decided to go to Walmart (the one place I hate more than hell). I mean, I was wearing a stained shirt and didn't have any makeup on, so there was no time like the present. I'd blend right in. So I drove to Walmart, half terrified and half weirdly excited for the challenge of finding something decent there. Come at me Walmart, come at me. 


help

 I walked in and immediately found the bathroom rugs. Except, get this, they were pricey. I was not expecting that. I paced up and down the aisle trying to decide if they were worth the splurge. They had grey rugs, and they were even a little cushy. I couldn't think about it for too long though, because there was a child screaming at the end of the aisle, and then the mother screamed "IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I'M CALLING THE COPS ON YOU." Oh, Walmart. You never disappoint.

I couldn't decide what to do, so I decided to take a stroll to see what other delicacies Walmart had to offer which turned into hiding from scary men who are probably on some sexual predator list somewhere. I did, however, end up finding some new kitchen rugs for $5. When I flipped them over to double check the price, I found this.

100% unknown fibers. 100% Walmart quality.

I grabbed the kitchen rugs and decided to forego the overpriced bathroom rugs. I was holding out for the right rugs. I wasn't going to settle for any old rug. It needed to make my dreams come true. So I started to walk towards the register when a lady came up to me and said "Excuse me, where is your outdoor garden area?" and my jaw dropped BECAUSE DOES SHE SERIOUSLY THINK I'M A WALMART EMPLOYEE?! I was too flustered to even speak or correct her so with jaw on the floor, I lifted my arm and pointed because we were standing  no more than 20 feet away from it. I then paid for my rugs and left, determined to never leave the house without makeup again. Being mistaken for a Walmart employee is just the smallest notch above being mistaken for a member of the Honey Boo Boo clan.

On the way home, my car turned itself into the Target parking lot. At this point in the day, all bets were off and what could it hurt? Maybe I would finally meet the rugs of my dreams. I meticulously walked up and down the bathroom aisles of Target for a good twenty minutes, comparing shades of grey and prices and coziness. I finally found the perfect rug and the perfect price. I had committed to it in my heart. Things were serious and I was ready to put a ring on it. I grabbed the rug and reached to grab a second, except, there was no second. There was only one rug. And the one rug there had a weird hole on the bottom that made me think it had been returned. It was LITERALLY the same exact fiasco as last year's Target green lamp debacle.

I was starting to lose faith in ever finding a suitable bathroom rug (WHY IS IT EVEN HARD?!) and I felt betrayed by the one rug I had allowed myself to love. So I went back to square one and perused all over again. I found a rug double what I wanted to pay and NOT grey, but it had hexagons in different shades of blues. It was everything I never knew I wanted. And I found a matching blue circular rug to use with it. It was perfect. I held up the rugs in the middle of the aisle to compare shades of blue when I looked up and what did my little eyes see but an old guy friend of mine I haven't seen in quite awhile. Our jaws dropped and we both stared at each other for a solid three seconds before talking to process the shock. On any other day I wouldn't have minded running into him, but my hair was slicked back from the sweat of a 90 degree day, my jeans were baggy and a size too big, my shirt stained, and my face bare. Not to mention I HAD JUST BEEN MISTAKEN FOR A WALMART EMPLOYEE. I would've made a better impression if I had just rolled out of bed. I was so clearly NOT on my A game. We had several painfully awkward minutes of conversation where he told me about all his promotions and his "cushy" job while I tried to hold the red Target basket in front of the toothpaste stain on my grey shirt. Remember the time I stood up to my ex at Ikea? This was the exact opposite of that situation.

Once he walked away, I hightailed it to the cashier. "Oooo, a SOCCER BALL rug! Cool!" the cashier exclaimed. "NO IT'S NOT DO I LOOK 12?!" I wanted to scream, but I laughed it off and inwardly groaned because crap it does look like a soccer ball.
CAN'T UNSEE THE SOCCER BALL


I grabbed my soccer ball rug and left, still sweating from the horrendously embarrassing/awkward meeting and so flustered I could barely think straight. I walked to the first black CRV I saw in the parking lot assuming it was mine and thought why is the car running? Did I leave the car on? How...? When I reached for the driver's side door handle and realized OMG SOMEONE IS SITTING IN THE CAR THIS IS NOT EVEN MY CAR. I ran as fast as I could to MY car and even double checked the license plate before getting in, and they I drove home, ran upstairs to my room, and hid under the covers, never to be seen again.


The end.

16 comments:

  1. This is why I believe that having bathroom rugs is purely optional. That trip sounds torturous! And your story reminds me, last time I was in Kohl's, a lady asked me, "Do you guys carry *something*?" I can't remember now exactly what it was, but it was something awful like a type of bra or shapewear or something of that sort. I just stood there for a moment in shock, and then said, "Sorry, no, we don't." and ran away as fast as possible because apparently it's impossible for me to say, "I don't work here." like a normal person.

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  2. Isn't it funny how our cars just turn themselves into Target parking lots?

    MICHELLE. I'm peeing over the "unknown fibers - rags" ...I have one of those rugs that I got while I was in college, but I don't know if mine says that. Actually, I think I cut the tag off. Grrrrrr.

    You should've cut that guy off mid-sentence and been all, "Oh really? Promotions? That's great. I was just mistaken for a Walmart employee." Then walked away all awkward like.

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  3. MICHELLE, YOUR LIFE IS THE BEST.

    I am laughing so hard about the gravitational force field that pulls our vehicles into Target. GUILTY!

    '100% unknown fibers' makes me nervous. Where did they get that stuff from? They don't even know what the rags are made out of??! I am glad you didn't buy that. I would have avoided stepping on it when I visit and SEE YOU WITH MY OWN EYES IN FOUR MONTHS. (CUE RAINING DOWN GLITTER CONFETTI CANNONS)

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    Replies
    1. Kelsey said she's going to pee on your bathroom rugs.

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  4. I imagined the soccer ball rug exclamation point in The Target Lady's voice. I hope that is what happened. But I really do love that rug.

    Michelle, MICHELLE. Haven't we discussed that you should just order things online and NOT leave the house EVER? ESPECIALLY TO GO TO WALMART. NEVER GO TO WALMART.

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  5. I.AM.DYING.

    why are Walmarts world wide THE creepiest stores known to man, where blatant child abuse is rampant. I hate that store with a passion, but like you, I sometimes venture in for the cheap prices.

    you have no idea how hard I laughed when I saw the 100% unknown fibers. hahahah....wait, WHAT?

    I have no words, you are hilarious! love ya!

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  6. This sounds like nearly every shopping expedition I go on. We should go on one together, it would be great. I tried to get in my old boss's car once. Then I looked around me and I was like... I don't have leather seats, also I do not have a Lexus. I don't think he ever found out. But also, why was his car unlocked? Only those of us who have a Ford Focus roll with unlocked doors.

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  7. I never know what to say in your posts. I always end up croaking with laughter and wondering if half of what you say is true (I'm sure it is, it sometimes just sounds so ludicrous!!)

    Your amazing. I love you. The way you see life is positivity delightful. Please write a book.

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  8. It's scary out there! Better barricade the door with a bookcase to be safe.

    Lots of things have hexagons not just soccer balls! It could be the blue-green honeycombs of some under-the-sea bees. It could be the international space station's tiles. See, you're not just a twelve year old - you're a twelve year old who with a marine apiary/space station. :P

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  9. MICHELLE: How do these things happen to you???

    Also, the Threshold collection at Target has all the things. It is my go-to anymore. Even though I just bought a bunch of stuff at Kohl's over the weekend (from our registry). I would take Threshold any day over just about anything else.

    Also, I don't see a soccer ball. I see hexagon paint chip perfection. You're fine. Ignore the silly cashier who knows nothing.

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  10. I thought the rugs were cute but you're right... the soccer ball cannot be unseen haha

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  11. Oh goodness. I wish you had a reality show. For realsy.

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  12. Just found your blog and your inspiring me to maybe pick mine back up! I've been reading some of your old posts. You're a great writer!

    Oh, and I understand the bathroom rug stress. I'm doing that with throw pillows right now. Also the Wal-Mart thing...yikes. My sisters and I actually made up a disorder many years ago to classify how we feel before, during, and after going to Wal-Mart. It's called WMSD (Wal-Mart Stress Disorder). We use it to describe other stressful situations too, so as to assign said situation an understandable and measurable level of stress.

    Anyway, I just moved TO North Carolina from Indiana and I'm feeling all kinds of out-of-place. I'm also 24, married, and have no children. So there's a few of us out there! :)

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  13. This is why I hate shopping. I am usually the person who walks into an aisle, picks things up, ponders them, puts them back down, walks away, possibly even leaves the store, only to come back and ponder some more. I almost always eventually buy the thing. Why do I go through this charade? I don't know. Shopping is awful, whether it's for pants or tooth brushes or bathroom rugs.

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  14. Oh, Michelle. My heart hurt for you a little bit after this. :)

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