8.17.2013

facebook scares me

I met a girl at an event the other night, and at the end we exchanged names and she told me to look her up on Facebook. Because I am painfully shy and socially incompetent, I said "sure!" instead of saying "I don't use Facebook, but here's my email/twitter/instagram/mother's maiden name/blood type/picture of my cat."

So the next day I took seven deep breaths, braced myself, and logged onto Facebook, my eternal nemesis.

After looking the girl up and sending her a message, I took a quick jaunt down the news feed rabbit trail.

Here's a summary of what I saw within several seconds:


"MY STOMACH IS UPSET PLZ PRAY"

"MY BACK HURTS PLZ PRAY"

"MY WIFE'S BACK HURTS PLZ PRAY"

"THIS IS MY 2 YEAR OLD CHILD SAYING A WORD. PROBABLY A GENIUS. LOOKING INTO HARVARD RIGHT NOW. #BLESSED #SOPROUD"

"NURSERY REVEAL. I USED PALLETS. TELL ME HOW CREATIVE I AM."

"GIRLS DAY OMG"

"MY BOYFRIEND BUYS ME FLOWERS AND YOURS DOESN'T"

"I GAVE BIRTH NO EPIDURAL ALL NATURAL #BETTERTHANYOU"

"LIKE THIS PIC IF YOU LUV UR KIDS 2"

"LOOK AT MY VACATION. LOOK AT IT."

"SICK OF THE DRAMA. STOP STARTING DRAMA. #DRAMA"

"MY NEWBORN WITH THE BIG @$$ FLOWER HEADBAND DOESN'T CRY LIKE YOURS DOES"

"#BLESSED"

"I THINK THESE PICTURES OF ME DRUNK MAKE ME COOL AND RELEVANT"

"VAGUE QUOTE INSINUATING RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS"

"VAGUE QUOTE INSINUATING NEW SIGNIFICANT OTHER"

"THIS IS A REALLY STUPID JOKE  I FOUND ON THE INTERNET THAT I'M MAKING MY STATUS UPDATE SO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY AND CLEVER" (seriously. this guy has been doing this since high school. )

"THE PLACE WHERE I LIVE HAS BETTER SUNSETS THAN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE"

"ATTN: MY HUSBAND AND I NOW HAVE A JOINT ACCOUNT BECAUSE WE DON'T TRUST EACH OTHER"

"PICTURE OF MY BREAKFAST"



Let the defriending sprees begin!


Also, I feel like a bumbling fool on Facebook. Things have changed and I can't figure out how to do anything anymore. This girl needs to hurry up and respond so I can get rid of this thing again.



29 comments:

  1. I deleted over 100 people off of my Facebook the other day, it's good to have a cleanup every now and again. One person I deleted then felt the need to put a status about the fact I'd deleted him on his Facebook (my friends told me), I just don't understand some people sometimes!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wuh oh. You just described half of my statuses! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I, too, loathe the thing that is facebook. o.o

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yeeeeaah that's exactly why I went from 250 to like 80 people and I've hidden the updates of about 3/4ths of the remaining 80.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't mind when people talk about real stuff...I'm the biggest eavesdropper in the world, that's probably why, but I can't stand vague, insinuating, especially relationship based quotes. One of my best friends has always done that (and she's been single for the 9 years I've known her) and one of my cousins does it too. I don't understand, but I love them.

    ReplyDelete
  6. HAHAHAH. Don't hate me because I Facebook.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's funny and sad all at once because it's true.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh gosh I feel your pain! I terminated my Fb for quite a while and it was wonderful. I recently was told I had to re-activate my account so I can be the administrator for my honor society (wamp wamp). Went through and defriended a TON of people. I hope they don't notice...

    ReplyDelete
  9. This. SO MUCH THIS. I went through a massive delete spree as well. Also, 'hide' is my favorite button on FB.

    ReplyDelete
  10. THIS. I am basically never on Facebook anymore unless it's to check on a group once a day but I avoid my newsfeed as much as I can haha

    ReplyDelete
  11. Listen, I'm sorry for all of my #blessed posts, okay? I'M SORRY.

    Kidding. I don't update my status, ever. And the only thing I do on Facebook is go back and forth with Shay about YouTubers and Beyonce.

    CHEERS TO TWITTER!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was seriously wondering what inspired you to get back on FB when I got your friend request. haha You are so funny. Also, MY RIGHT HEEL HURTS PLZ PRAY!

    ReplyDelete
  13. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Maybe if they had a Michelle interpreter of Facebook statuses (translated into this wonderful caps-lock dialect you got going on), I'd be on it more often.

    I'm starting to feel like, for me, Facebook is not a daily thing. I like going on it every few days or so and posting a picture or something from my life. A "here, I'm alive" update. And then I like every so often (like once a month or so) going on a binge Facebooking spree and checking out what people are up to. But for everyday? Ehhhh that could be too much for me.

    --Erika
    http://www.chimerikal.com

    ReplyDelete
  14. I was actually on FB last night & all I could think was "wow, these people are dumb"

    ReplyDelete
  15. LOL! So true- I keep my FB pretty private. Just family and close friends that I actually speak to and want to know what's going on with them. haha!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I can't even tell you how many people I've "hidden" on my news feed. I don't need to hear about their horrible headaches or people drama. No thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh lawd. This is why I am never on Facebook. Between the "OMG LOOK PRECIOUS CHILD POOPED IN THE TOILET!" and "DUDES I AM SO WAYSTEEEDD RIGHT NOW" updates... I've had enough.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I decided to facebook break yesterday. I'll be back though, because otherwise I won't know anyone's birthday. and that shits important.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I deleted all the annoying people off my facebook. What's the point? Now I'm only friends with people from college I want to keep in contact with, just slightly - not enough to follow on twitter/instagram.

    ReplyDelete
  20. MICHELLE. Hahahahaha omg I cannot handle you right now. THIS IS EVERYTHING.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Are you lucky enough not to have the political ranters? Or did you just choose to ignore them? haha

    ReplyDelete
  22. I AM EMBARRASSINGLY BEHIND ON STALKING YOUR BLOG- BLAME ALL THA TWERKIN

    But seriously, though, I laughed out loud through this entire thing. I am so #blessed to be seeing you so soon, Michelle. #I #really #am

    ReplyDelete
  23. Facebook completely terrifies me. I basically only use my facebook for work (I know that seems crazy, and it is...but when you're job is social media it makes more sense :)) so I don't have too much of the randoms from high school or college with the crazy updates. But still, it gives me the heebie jeebies for some reason.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I couldn't help but laugh at this. I think we might have the same "friends". I mainly use my facebook to keep in contact with my father's side of the family... I know, I know, I probably should just get their numbers and make it easier. haha (:
    You forgot to add all the religious quotes and memes (:

    ReplyDelete
  25. Who in the world are you "friends" with on facebook??? Ammon's aunt posts some stuff like this, but thankfully it isn't my entire wall. Maybe you are much better off facebook than on...

    ReplyDelete

Talk to me! If your email is linked to your account, I'll respond to you via email. If not, I'll respond to you right here.