I met a girl at an event the other night, and at the end we exchanged names and she told me to look her up on Facebook. Because I am painfully shy and socially incompetent, I said "sure!" instead of saying "I don't use Facebook, but here's my email/twitter/instagram/mother's maiden name/blood type/picture of my cat."
So the next day I took seven deep breaths, braced myself, and logged onto Facebook, my eternal nemesis.
After looking the girl up and sending her a message, I took a quick jaunt down the news feed rabbit trail.
Here's a summary of what I saw within several seconds:
"MY STOMACH IS UPSET PLZ PRAY"
"MY BACK HURTS PLZ PRAY"
"MY WIFE'S BACK HURTS PLZ PRAY"
"THIS IS MY 2 YEAR OLD CHILD SAYING A WORD. PROBABLY A GENIUS. LOOKING INTO HARVARD RIGHT NOW. #BLESSED #SOPROUD"
"NURSERY REVEAL. I USED PALLETS. TELL ME HOW CREATIVE I AM."
"GIRLS DAY OMG"
"MY BOYFRIEND BUYS ME FLOWERS AND YOURS DOESN'T"
"I GAVE BIRTH NO EPIDURAL ALL NATURAL #BETTERTHANYOU"
"LIKE THIS PIC IF YOU LUV UR KIDS 2"
"LOOK AT MY VACATION. LOOK AT IT."
"SICK OF THE DRAMA. STOP STARTING DRAMA. #DRAMA"
"MY NEWBORN WITH THE BIG @$$ FLOWER HEADBAND DOESN'T CRY LIKE YOURS DOES"
"I THINK THESE PICTURES OF ME DRUNK MAKE ME COOL AND RELEVANT"
"VAGUE QUOTE INSINUATING RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS"
"VAGUE QUOTE INSINUATING NEW SIGNIFICANT OTHER"
"THIS IS A REALLY STUPID JOKE I FOUND ON THE INTERNET THAT I'M MAKING MY STATUS UPDATE SO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY AND CLEVER" (seriously. this guy has been doing this since high school. )
"THE PLACE WHERE I LIVE HAS BETTER SUNSETS THAN THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE"
"ATTN: MY HUSBAND AND I NOW HAVE A JOINT ACCOUNT BECAUSE WE DON'T TRUST EACH OTHER"
"PICTURE OF MY BREAKFAST"
Let the defriending sprees begin!
Also, I feel like a bumbling fool on Facebook. Things have changed and I can't figure out how to do anything anymore. This girl needs to hurry up and respond so I can get rid of this thing again.