8.21.2013

R.I.P

(this was the weirdest prompt ever and I love it)


We can't show a picture of Michelle for religious reasons, but here's a picture of her buggy.

Michelle Diane Bellamy passed away August 21, 2055 when she was kicked in the head by her horse, Chester. Chester was spooked by the sound of a passing car, as he lives on an Amish farm and is not used to demonic sounds such as the roar of passing automobiles. Michelle is survived by her husband James, children Jedediah, Jebediah, Anna, Samuel, Abraham, Lydia, Ezra, Hannah, Jeremiah, 23 grandchildren, 7 dairy cows, 12 chickens, and 3 barn cats.

James and Michelle grew up in the heathen English world, married in 2011, and joined the Amish church in 2013 when they got tired of modern technology and the rat race of the corporate world. On a whim, they turned in their iphones for battery-powered radios and their jeans for suspenders and head coverings. The Amish people were quite wary of the newcomers at first, as most new converts only last a few months, but they were quickly impressed by Michelle's knitting skills and her impeccable shoefly pies. It was as if Michelle had been meant to be Amish all along. Before long, James and Michelle were fluent in Pennsylvania Dutch and hosting church services in their old red barn behind their farmhouse.

Michelle may have been quick with the knitting needles, but she was the cause of a few scandals in her day. The Bishop caught wind of the secret TV she kept in the barn for her Sister Wives viewing parties she and the other Amish women had while their husbands were working the fields. She also horrified the church elders with her abnormally bright colored dresses, until she persuaded them that God created the bright colors as well as earth tones. At the counsel of the Bishop and in order to prevent shunning, Michelle publicly confessed to letting her hair out of her prayer cap while hanging the laundry outside. The next door neighbor's son was quite horrified when he stepped outside to see her brunette hair swaying in the wind, a secret that is reserved for husband and wife only. Michelle said she thought no one was home and promised to never do it again.

Because Michelle gave up her earthly possessions, she does not leave behind anything of value, but her lawyer will be meeting with the children where he will divide up and bequeath upon them all of her dozens of homemade quilts and her secret and scandalous collection of boy band CDs.

Please don't send flowers. If you must help the family, they are in the market for a new dairy cow.



WW

20 comments:

  1. Uh.................your poor uterus.

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  2. "Her secret and scandalous collection of boy band CDs."

    That made me lol FOR REAL. People are onto me now!

    Oh my Amish, don't you ever convert! Don't you ever turn your iPhone in for battery-powered radios! I'd miss you too much.

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  3. Only 3 barn cats???

    You would be such a good Amish person. Especially since you busted out all of those names, no problem. Also, what is shoefly pie? I want to try this.

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  4. Jedediah, Jedediah, and Jeremiah. Lol!

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  5. When you converted to Amish-life, did you also become a Duggar? Some of those names sound like Duggars to me.

    In the spirit of obituaries, I DIED reading this. I would help you smuggle a secret TV onto your land so that we still may chat about television.

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  6. This is amazing. Being from the land of the PA Dutch, I can totally picture this. Also picturing me trying to run your buggy off the road. JK :)

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  7. Jedediah, Jebediah, and Jeremiah.

    They sound like reeeeaaaal ladie's men.

    But for real, this cuhRACKED me up. love it. love it.

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  8. haha, I was thinking the same thing as Kelsey, she wants to be a Duggar :) So funny, loved it. Hair swaying in the wind...love it.

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  9. "Please don't send flowers. If you must help the family, they are in the market for a new dairy cow." Stop that nonsense right now -- I can't handle it. It's too good.

    How about flowers in the arrangement of dairy cows?

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  10. All but two of your children have Bible names...love it! Totally Amish ;)
    DO NOT CONVERT. I REPEAT, DO NOT CONVERT. If you do, I demand nonstop horseback riding at new your dairy farm.

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  11. This is just the best thing ever. Ever. "God created bright colors as well as earth tones!"

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  12. Ahahah I think you win!! Not that this is a competition...but...yeah you win. ;)

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  13. This is the best post yet! I loved it!

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  14. I chocked when you rambled off all your children.

    I've been on enough Amish tours to appreciate your genius with the "earth tones.." genius.

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  15. I cracked up!! and 9 children, how ambitious! That even sounds like a lot to me. (it takes a lot of kids, and a lot of obscured names of Hebrew origin, to impress one of 7 Bible-named kids) :P

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  16. absolutely brilliant. Don't send flowers, send cows

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  17. This is the funniest thing I have read all week. Sister Wives viewing party. I'M DYING.

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  18. Hilarious. I love how you are survived by your farm animals.

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  19. Oh my gosh. This is why I read your blog lol.

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