9.05.2013

stuff my mother-in-law says

My mother-in-law was in town the last few days. She's a very sweet, very generous woman, but we could not be more opposite. I am quiet, reserved, and not usually talkative unless in the company of very close friends and family. The only time this lady stops talking is when she's taking a bite of food or when she's asleep. This is no exaggeration. There is truly no describing this woman. She's one of those people you have to meet in order to fully grasp the....uniqueness. I can't emphasize enough how sweet she is, but my goodness. She will tell you every thought she has ever had about anything with no hesitation.

She is the most animated person I know. She waves her arms when she talks like she's swatting at flies. She has the thickest southern accent/twang you have ever heard in your life. She is just...so. darn. southern. And I am so not. And sometimes we just don't understand each other. She is from the backwoods of rural North Carolina. So hidden away in the tobacco fields that there is no cell phone service and only dial-up internet. It is another world down there, and she is a product of it. My husband is too, but nothing like his mother.

I think my favorite thing about her is the way she talks. She says the most outlandish things out of the blue, and paired with her uber thick twang (think of the strongest southern accent you've ever heard, and double it. She makes Paula Deen sound like the Queen of England), it is absolutely hilarious. And her choice of words is also rather unique. Some of it is her southern influence, and some of it is just her. I spent most of her visit with my head buried in my shirt trying to discretely laugh. I was also discretely recording her talking as we taught her about the wild world of Netflix and Amazon.com. Here's a sampling of the things that came out of her mouth in about 24 hours.

the woman in pink


In true southern fashion, she is dressed to the nines at all time. She drove 12 hours in a maxi dress (not the comfy cotton kind--the kind you would wear to a wedding) and heels. When I commented on how nice she looked for such a long day of driving, she replied: "Well I cain't wear my britches 'n drive!"

Talking to James while he searches for an app on her phone:  "Are you spelling it right? Because I never spell anything right. I just make things up as I go along."

MIL: "I want to dye my hair mahogany red with black stripes."
Me: "Red with black highlights?"
MIL: "No, not highlights, you know, stripes. Like how girls get those stripes of different color in their hair. I want black stripes."

Talking about the lack of parking spots at the beach: "We rode around forever, but there were no parks. I couldn't find a park."
Me: "....no parking spots?"
MIL: "Nope, no parks. Totally full of people."

Talking about the guy she just started dating:
"He's really nice, and I like him a lot. He reminds me of my cousin Steve."

"Your apartment is much bigger. It feels like you have a bathroom."

Referring to the GPS: "The computer only tells you to go the way you go."

"I like that song by that black girl from American Idol. Beyonce, I think."

"Is Chipotle an Indian grocery store?"

"I believe everyone who works at the mall is gay."

26 comments:

  1. AH-MAZING...

    I don't think that I actually can fully grasp this woman exists unless I meet her! :)

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  2. I have died. Seriously.
    I was laughing so hard.

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  3. "I believe everyone who works at the mall is gay."

    Perfect.

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  4. From the quick Snapchat I got from you, I am now saying all of these in her voice. I feel like I really love her. I want to keep her with me at all times to say hilarious things.

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    1. ALSO I have come back to say YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR WEDDING PICTURE

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  5. hahahaha that's great! I definitely think she should stripe her hair.

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  6. Oh my word! I thought my MIL was bad (In a sweet way of course)but your's takes the cake hands down! Is it wrong that I sort of kinda want to meet her?

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  7. I NEED TO MEET THIS WOMAN.

    "He reminds me of my cousin Steve." I cannot stop laughing at that.

    Oh, and the Beyonce comment.

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  8. heeheehee...Once upon a time I lived in Kentucky and after that, all the northern midwest people I meet seem really tame.

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  9. You were such a pretty bride Michelle!
    Oh man, I want to meet this woman and THEN sit in on a conversation between the two of you. She sounds like a HOOT! ;)

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  10. I LOVE HER. She is a national treasure. Cousin Steve comment made me nearly spit my water out. I am also going to try to use the term "parks" from now on. CAN WE KEEP HER?

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  11. HAHAH- best post I've read in awhile. I think you painted the picture of her quite well ;)

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  12. Love it. I'M the loud crazy one, and so is my mom. I actually look reserved beside my mom, holy moly. My husband's entire family is fairly quiet and calm. It's weird :P

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  13. She needs her own reality show. I need to watch it.

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  14. This is GOLD. I need to hear her speak haha

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  15. I don't know where I laughed harder. This woman. She is hysterical. I would like you to do a weekly post on the matter.

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  16. OMG I laughed out loud at that last one! My boyfriend's mom is suuuper southern too, I think I should right down some of the crazy stuff she says next time I see her!

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  17. OMG I LOVE HER. This needs to be a regular series on your blog.

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  18. This made me laught out loud several times. "Is Chipotle an Indian grocery store?" - LOL hilarious.

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  19. God gave you an amazing gift when he gave you your mother-in-law. The children you may have someday are going to be HILARIOUS, and it's going to be due to exposure to the both of you women and your differing funniness. I wished she lived closer so that you could share more!

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  20. Hahaha she sounds like a total scream! I love the one about the guy she's dating reminding her of her cousin!!

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