3.18.2014

forget retail therapy; I need therapy from retail


Since my 25th year of life prompted relatives to send me some of their hard-earned cash, I went clothes shopping on Sunday. Not because I'm the kind of girl who goes shopping every weekend, but because honestly, I need to. My wardrobe is completely out of balance. I have 57 sweaters, 2 short sleeved shirts, and one tank top with a hole in it. Spring and summer are coming and the best I can do is wear pink socks under my boots, and if I don't do anything about it soon, I'll be rocking those boots come August.

The reason I don't have warm weather clothes is because I hate warm weather clothes. There is no part of me that wants to wear a crop top and shorts the width of a seatbelt. I don't like tank tops and short dresses, and I'm just not very comfortable in any of it. Also, nothing ever fits me. It's my curse.

I haven't bought a pair of shorts in three years, but it's not for lack of trying. I've found one brand of jeans that somewhat understands my body, but for some reason I cannot find a pair of shorts that fit me correctly. Shouldn't shorts fit like jeans, just....shorter? They should. But they don't. I always wear a vastly different size, and once it fits over my hips, there is a gaping hole in the waist and it feels weird around my thighs. They're all just so uncomfortable and poorly cut. I've always thought I had a weird body, and this confirms that. Shopping for anything to wear below the waist sends me into a downward spiral of raging emotion faster than anything else can. I have a smallish waist, childbearing hips, and a booty that just won't quit. No, really. One of my friends in high school told me he'll always remember me because, and I quote, my "butt is as big as a house." There wasn't one part of me that was offended, because he was and is right. I need the shorts that Kim Kardashian wears, though preferably with an extra yard of fabric, because in no universe do I want to dress like her. Last year I wore jeans all summer, and while it was miserable, I survived. Except I'm going to the beach in a few months, and jeans aren't going to cut it.

There's another problem: I do not like neon or pastel colors. I do not want anyone to think I smeared my shirt with a highlighter or was inspired by traffic cones. And with my coloring, pastel colors wash me out and will make you question if I'm on my deathbed. Which I'm not. Unfortunately, these are the only two types of clothes all stores are selling right now. I went in upwards of ten vastly different stores, and it was all the same story. Pastel shirts, orange shorts with hot pink embroidered anchors, and navy blue pants with pink and orange flowers. These are literally the only things to choose from, and every store has a slightly different version of it. I'm not really into the whole nautical scene, because I'm not in a sorority and also, this isn't New England. This is Ohio, and if anything should be embroidered on my shorts, it should be corn. Cats would also be acceptable. Plus, the last time I had patterns on my shorts or pants, my mother was still buckling me into a carseat.

Everything has become a J Crew knock-off, which is sad, because I hate J Crew. The structured, preppy look is just not me at all, and it will be a cold day in hell when I buy a $70 tee shirt. And another problem is that I have no idea what my personal style is. It's forever evolving. I buy things I like and manage to smush it all together.

I walked from store to store hoping for one blouse, one pair of shorts that I could rescue from the overwhelming sea of neon and pastel grunge. Anchors and flowers and mint green bermuda shorts swarmed around me so fast I got dizzy. The mall was sweltering and I started sweating through my hoodie. I was being punked by all major clothing retailers. They made clothes to fit the entire population except for me. I ran out of the mall, desperately clinging to my resolve, and thought maybe I'll try Old Navy. They're very hit or miss. I walked in, saw someone from work, and walked right back out. After rolling my eyes at the patterned pants, of course. The J Crew disease is spreading.

After that I did what any girl in my situation would do: I went home and ordered a pizza. You know, to help the shorts fit. And I hit the internet in hopes that someone somewhere understands that we don't all want to dress like we're either living in the 90s or on our way to a yacht party. And you know what? God bless the broken road that led me straight to Modcloth. At this rate, my entire wardrobe will be from there. Every shopping disaster leads me there. But where else can you find tees based on my favorite books and blouses with cats on them? That right there is my person style summed up.

Still no shorts, though. I'm about to take some scissors to a pair of my jeans.

15 comments:

  1. Taking scissors to your jeans is not a bad idea - and it's something I've thought about doing, too! I went through a shorts phase (thank you, Target) but I'ma go ahead and tell you my #1 spot for shorts - JC PENNEY, Y'ALL. They also sell really cute capris, which I don't own, but have seen and thought, "Oh, those are really cute."

    But this girl isn't wearing any shorts until I get some sun on my legs. YIKES.

    Let's wear jeggings and chambray 4eva.

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  2. I hear ya, GURL! I despise summer clothing. I am a die-hard skirt and dress-wearer, mostly because I am too lazy to search for the right pair of shorts or capris. I usually rock jeans for a lot of the summer, too. I'll probably be wearing them come August, so YOU WILL SEE FOR YOURSELF!!

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  3. i have the same issue when buying pants and shorts. my waist is small, but my hips/butt look like they belong on another body. i rock plaid shorts that i bought at walmart about eight years ago. they are obnoxious, but they fit and i feel like they are long enough. i wear lots of maxi skirts (that i have also owned for 10+ years.) who knew they would make another comeback? and if i'm at home i'm generally in a tshirt and capri leggings. oh, and i definitely have a pair of diy jean cutoffs. because honestly....i fully expect to see myself on the 'people of walmart' website one day.

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  4. You know, I stopped wearing shorts a long time ago. I only wear skirts and pants and dresses. No shorts! I actually hate how shorts look on my body, and I always suffered trying to find a pair and then being self conscious about how, well, short they were, and how they hugged my hips (biggest part of my body). So I decided to get rid of every pair I own. And I did. About three years ago--and now if I want to wear "shorts" I just wear a skirt, and feel prettier, and skirts flatter my shape so much better. I do own two pairs of capris for hiking, but only wear them for that.

    Hugs girl! Hope you figure it out :)

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  5. I have the SAME problem as you. Buying any type of clothing for up top isn't an issue (except for my freakishly long arms), but my bottom half?? FORGET ABOUT IT. I hate buying jeans. BUT, I did find one brand that fits me perfectly. Have you tried KUT from the Kloth? A lot of their jeans have some stretch to them, which I need, but they don't gape in the back like a lot of pants do when I try them on. thank you badonkadonk!

    And what's with crop tops? I don't get it. NOBODY should be wearing that crap. That's why I only wear maxi dresses and skirts during the summer. I hate wearing shorts. My thunder thighs and shorts don't get along at all.

    Do you have a Nordstrom Rack near you? If so, you can hopefully find KUT from the Kloth there. That's where I buy every pair, since they're not that cheap. But I'll pay $40-50 for one freaking brand of jean that actually fits.

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  6. So, I know you didn't like the prints at Old Navy, but last summer they did have some shorts that I LOVED because I, too have problems finding articles that you wear below the waist to fit correctly.Huge thighs, child bearing hips, smaller waist. And, I'm not a little teeny bopper-I don't want my booty hanging out of my shorts. You could get these in like three different lengths and I believe I got the 3 inch...or maybe it was 5??? Anyway, they were very classy and modest, yet trendy, too. Although they did have all the highlighter colors and nautical themed ones, there were also black, and khaki, and olive colored ones, and those are the ones I went with, which match a lot of tops. Maybe they will have them again.

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  7. oh my gosh i LOVE modcloth, i have yet to buy anything, but i browse ALL THE TIME. also, i 100% understand your struggle when it comes to buying things for anything below the waist. jeans and shorts shopping is the worst experience EVERY TIME! i hatttttte it. i always have to go at least a size up to fit the thighs and butt, but then it's too big in the waist and when you wear a belt then it bunches funny. ugh.

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  8. Sweety, you NEED thrifting. Trust me! It will change your life!

    And Modcloth is amazing...just wish they weren't so expensive!

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  9. I agree with Gillian, thrifting is totally the way to go!!

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  10. I don't like most of the fashion stuff out now for women. Just blah. Though I do like most of what I find at Old Navy!

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  11. Last year I bought a pair of mint green shorts which was WAY OUT THERE ON A FASHION LIMB for me (sort of like wearing purple tights was for you) and I couldn't believe how much I ended up liking them. I'll be sad if they don't fit once Sesame is outta there. I love spring colors after the black and gray of winter but you won't find me wearing a bright yellow shirt with blue shorts. I don't want even more people to think I'm a 16 year old trying to find her way in the world than already do.

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  12. I actually did manage to find a pair of shorts I like at Old Navy last year, but for the most part I'm a skirt/sundress/capri kind of girl. I find the skirts are so much cooler than shorts anyway. You know what's not sexy? Sweaty shorts. Ew. Also, NEON. Just...why? My nephew just had a neon themed party and we thought it was going to be a "let's look ridiculous and make fun of 80s style" party and dressed appropriately. It was until we got there that I realized THIS IS WHAT IS POPULAR RIGHT NOW. What? Alright, enough yelling.

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  13. I can relate to so much of this post, which is why the vast majority of my wardrobe comes from thrift stores that are obviously heavily donated to by "the more mature women" in our area. In fact, right now I'm wearing 2 things that I got at the thrift store. I like ModCloth, but their dresses make me uncomfortable... they hardly come down below the booty! I did buy two pairs of patterned shorts on clearance last year, but I'm still questioning if that was a good decision or not. I don't know. The were $4, and I was feeling frisky.

    I am starting to want to build a seasonal sweater collection. My love of tacky sweaters can not be contained anymore. This is not strictly relevant, but I thought you of all people would understand.

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  14. My favorite shorts are Old Navy shorts that I buy one size too big so that they don't grip dem thighs. And a pair of cutoffs that I destroyed my fave pair of Levis to create. DO IT.

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  15. This whole post = my life. Also, the reason I hate living in TX. It's already getting to damn hot for jeans and I can't even deal. I keep giving my shorts side glances whenever I go into my closet but just thinking about putting them on gives me the start of an anxiety attack.

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