4.16.2014

how to survive when you love a golf fan

I've made it known many times before that I am not a girl who likes sports. I've tried, but I just can't. Like Lady Gaga, I was born this way. Thankfully I'm married to a dude who shares my views. He understands sports and he'll definitely watch them with other guys, but he has never been the type to spend a whole weekend watching football or baseball or fuseball or skeeball or whatever the heck people watch. We would both rather watch the Office for the thousandth time. Sports just aren't our jam.

Until golf, that is.

I have a hard time even typing the word golf. I have a pavlovian response to that word in that I yawn whenever I see or hear it.

James loves golf. He loves to play it and he loves to watch it. The only golf I love is the kind that is on the Wii. And let's be real, the Volkswagen Golf is pretty cute, but I digress. I'm happy that it makes him happy and I'm all for him pursuing his hobbies, but I truly don't understand why he chose the most boring sport of all time to love. I mean, at least football has some action, right? I may have no idea what that action is or what it means, but at least it doesn't put me to sleep. Golf is one of those sports that's fun to play, but watching it is worse than watching paint dry. And when I mean it's fun to play, I mean that I've won countless games of mini golf and I've gone to a driving range twice, so I am obviously qualified to make this assessment. I'm passionately in love with driving ranges because 1. I'm doing something sporty that is not a team sport, and 2. I get to whack things.

The...Masters? (right? I think?) tournament was last weekend, and James warned me for a month that it was coming and that he would be indisposed. I was completely fine with that, because a weekend all to myself sounded fun since we're both super independent and love to do our own things from time to time. However, there were still several hours where I was the third wheel to the James and golf relationship. I tried to watch some with him (more like I was too lazy to go upstairs), and I found myself once again astonished that someone could find this enjoyable.

At the interest of saving relationships everywhere, I've compiled a short list of how to make golf more exciting for you and your mislead loved one. And if you're the golf fan in the relationship, then bless your heart.

+ Use as many Happy Gilmore references as possible. Multiple times. Why else would you watch that movie? This is the moment you've been training for.

+ Replace words in rap songs with golf references. Example: BIRDIE BIRDIE BIRDIE BIRDIE ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE! He'll be so proud of your ability to entertain yourself as you fall off the couch from laughing.

+ Whenever he's cheering for someone (and by cheering I mean golf clapping slightly louder), refer to the above step. Screaming "GET IT RIGHT GET IT TIGHT" at the TV guarantees the golfer will make the shot (sidebar: I just tried to spell golfer as "gaulfer." Help). It has a 1 time success rate of 100%.

+ Golf puns. BOY, THOSE PASTEL PLAID PANTS ARE ON PAR, AMIRITE? Alliteration is fun, too. If you can have a sense of humor about golf, you can have a sense of humor about anything.

+ You know those cheesy clips at the end of commercial breaks where the camera has a close up of the flowers on the golf course, and the Morgan Freeman-esque announcer is going into deep detail on the beauty of the day and the talent of the golfers? It's the perfect backdrop for an interpretive dance. Trust me.

+ Consistently ask "wait, who's that again?" every time a name is mentioned. Not only is it NOT super annoying, but it shows you want to learn. But mostly you'll have to ask multiple times because it's hard to pay attention the first 9 times because GOLF. If you're with a golf fan, chances are they know the life story and favorite color of every player...wait no, golfer. He or she will be forced (who are we kidding, they love to show off their golf wisdomz) to answer the questions, which means you'll eventually learn something you can use to impress someone someday, and it will keep everyone from falling asleep. That is, if the talking about golf doesn't put you to sleep first. AND CONGRATULATIONS! You just won spouse/friend/child of the year for trying to show an interest.



When all else fails, go upstairs, play your favorite music, and paint your nails. Or accidentally your entire toe, if you have my nail painting skills.

14 comments:

  1. OH, JAMES. Remember when we came to visit you in NOVEMBER and while we were there, James went golfing? That's commitment. I am faced with this problem ALL THE TIME because my brother is on the school golf team. I love him, I really do.. but watching his golf matches (mind you, I can only stand to watch him play 2-3 holes) are torture. Why couldn't he have played soccer instead?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "watching his golf matches ARE torture"? KELSEY, GET IT TOGETHER.

      Delete
    2. There are MHS golf spectators? Who knew.

      Delete
  2. THE GREEN JACKET THING is what I call the Masters. And then I say that I've never seen a man look good in that color. Can't they make it more of a spring green? I mean, cmon.

    DIGRESSING.

    Golf is tres boring - SORRY JAMES. I don't even like mini golf, but that's because I suck at it slash how am I supposed to concentrate when I know I can get ice cream when it's all over?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so, so grateful that Angel usually doesn't like or watch sports. However, I'm getting a little nervous. Because the World Cup is coming up. It's only every 4 years so my first experience with this phenomenon was when we were brand-new together. I really have it pretty good if he's only obsessed with a sporting event that takes place every 4 years...but I definitely can't pretend to care about said Sporting event...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm actually the child of a PGA golfer. I spent my entire childhood traveling to tournaments and walking around with my mom while my dad played golf. And then in middle school & high school, I actually was his caddie for a few summers :) it was a really fun way to grow up and I'll always have a soft spot for the game of golf. but with that said, I've never sat in my adult life and watched golf on TV by myself. And I never will.

    now just be glad the Masters only comes once a year :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. GOLF?!?! Oh noooooo!
    You gotta take care of that quick! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  6. DON'T YOU BLESS MY HEART. I am so in love with Bubba. I fell in love watching something with my Dad two years ago and I cried when Bubba won and my mom was like WTF is going on in here are you drunk (I think I was). My sister's bf texted me Sunday (as I was leaving NY :(:( ) to tell me that he won! Also I love the clothes. And that is the bulk of my golf knowledge.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You should work for the Golf Channel.. or who ever broadcasts this epic boredom, during all broadcasts in a little box in the corner of the screen (a là the sign language peeps) entertaining bored wives everywhere!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yeah, I once almost married a golf crazy guy. Everything revolved around it. When we broke up I told him he deserved a life caddy anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  9. as a girl that grew up in a house full of golfers, I appreciate it....BUT i will 100% agree. Golf puns and Happy Gilmore references make it way better. Just tap it in. Tap, tap, tapppp it in!

    ReplyDelete
  10. yup I'm in love with a man who loves golf. Fortunately for me the Masters starts at 11pm or some rediculous hour so he watches it while I'm safely tucked up in bed.
    Last year when Adam Scott won my sleep was disturbed by unholy shrieking. Such is the burder that we have to bear.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Being married to a golf fan is a heavy cross to bear. I'll add you to my prayer list.

    I spent one summer taking golf lessons at the golf course my grandpa helped design. I'm still terrible at golf (probably because I never practice) but if I happen to talk to a golf fan I tell them I took lessons from a professional golfer named Bobby. I have no idea what his last name was so that's about as far as the conversation gets. I do enjoy a round or three of miniature golf. I have an average of 12 hits per hole so those golf lessons really paid off.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am now going to say "Get it right, get it tight" in every situation of life. Except golf, because if I was forced to be around that, I'd lose my mind.

    Irony: I live on a golf course.

    ReplyDelete

Talk to me! If your email is linked to your account, I'll respond to you via email. If not, I'll respond to you right here.