I've made it known many times before that I am not a girl who likes sports. I've tried, but I just can't. Like Lady Gaga, I was born this way. Thankfully I'm married to a dude who shares my views. He understands sports and he'll definitely watch them with other guys, but he has never been the type to spend a whole weekend watching football or baseball or fuseball or skeeball or whatever the heck people watch. We would both rather watch the Office for the thousandth time. Sports just aren't our jam.
Until golf, that is.
I have a hard time even typing the word golf. I have a pavlovian response to that word in that I yawn whenever I see or hear it.
James loves golf. He loves to play it and he loves to watch it. The only golf I love is the kind that is on the Wii. And let's be real, the Volkswagen Golf is pretty cute, but I digress. I'm happy that it makes him happy and I'm all for him pursuing his hobbies, but I truly don't understand why he chose the most boring sport of all time to love. I mean, at least football has some action, right? I may have no idea what that action is or what it means, but at least it doesn't put me to sleep. Golf is one of those sports that's fun to play, but watching it is worse than watching paint dry. And when I mean it's fun to play, I mean that I've won countless games of mini golf and I've gone to a driving range twice, so I am obviously qualified to make this assessment. I'm passionately in love with driving ranges because 1. I'm doing something sporty that is not a team sport, and 2. I get to whack things.
The...Masters? (right? I think?) tournament was last weekend, and James warned me for a month that it was coming and that he would be indisposed. I was completely fine with that, because a weekend all to myself sounded fun since we're both super independent and love to do our own things from time to time. However, there were still several hours where I was the third wheel to the James and golf relationship. I tried to watch some with him (more like I was too lazy to go upstairs), and I found myself once again astonished that someone could find this enjoyable.
At the interest of saving relationships everywhere, I've compiled a short list of how to make golf more exciting for you and your mislead loved one. And if you're the golf fan in the relationship, then bless your heart.
+ Use as many Happy Gilmore references as possible. Multiple times. Why else would you watch that movie? This is the moment you've been training for.
+ Replace words in rap songs with golf references. Example: BIRDIE BIRDIE BIRDIE BIRDIE ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE! He'll be so proud of your ability to entertain yourself as you fall off the couch from laughing.
+ Whenever he's cheering for someone (and by cheering I mean golf clapping slightly louder), refer to the above step. Screaming "GET IT RIGHT GET IT TIGHT" at the TV guarantees the golfer will make the shot (sidebar: I just tried to spell golfer as "gaulfer." Help). It has a 1 time success rate of 100%.
+ Golf puns. BOY, THOSE PASTEL PLAID PANTS ARE ON PAR, AMIRITE? Alliteration is fun, too. If you can have a sense of humor about golf, you can have a sense of humor about anything.
+ You know those cheesy clips at the end of commercial breaks where the camera has a close up of the flowers on the golf course, and the Morgan Freeman-esque announcer is going into deep detail on the beauty of the day and the talent of the golfers? It's the perfect backdrop for an interpretive dance. Trust me.
+ Consistently ask "wait, who's that again?" every time a name is mentioned. Not only is it NOT super annoying, but it shows you want to learn. But mostly you'll have to ask multiple times because it's hard to pay attention the first 9 times because GOLF. If you're with a golf fan, chances are they know the life story and favorite color of every player...wait no, golfer. He or she will be forced (who are we kidding, they love to show off their golf wisdomz) to answer the questions, which means you'll eventually learn something you can use to impress someone someday, and it will keep everyone from falling asleep. That is, if the talking about golf doesn't put you to sleep first. AND CONGRATULATIONS! You just won spouse/friend/child of the year for trying to show an interest.
When all else fails, go upstairs, play your favorite music, and paint your nails. Or accidentally your entire toe, if you have my nail painting skills.