I've been at the end of my rope with grocery shopping. As soon as I got home, I needed at least an hour to lay in bed to cry and process the trauma. I felt as if I could no longer go on. That I'd rather go hungry instead of going to Kroger. What's the point? Why am I putting myself through this misery? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?
But you know those sayings, like the ones where it's darkest before the dawn? That it has to get worse before it gets better? IT'S TRUE, YOU GUYS. It's true.
|like, totes mcgoats|
I got myself together and went to Kroger yesterday. I pregamed with an iced coffee and a trip to the library to put me in the best frame of mind possible. I sat in the car for ten minutes scouring social media apps and listening to music trying to will myself out of the car. I gave myself a pep talk as I walked up to the carts, terrified they would be super glued together like usual.
But things were different this time, guys. Things were different.
I pulled apart the carts with ease. Raspberries and strawberries were on sale. They weren't sold out of avocados.
And then something else started to happen. Men were winking at me. Kids were giggling and smiling at me when they walked by. Random strangers were saying hi. When did I get famous? I thought to myself. They must've heard about that funny joke I told at work last week. And then a guy in the cracker aisle turned to me with a huge grin and said "YOUR SHIRT IS AMAZING!" Ahh, my shirt! Ok, James' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shirt that I stole out of his closet. I should've known. The key to a man's heart is through a nerd shirt. I was asked on many a date in college just by wearing my Spamalot shirt. Studies (my own) have shown that a nerd shirt is 89% more effective at picking up men than the bend and snap. I should've known the ninja turtles would be no different.
Whatever the reason for my sudden fame, I had became the queen of my neighborhood Kroger, and I loved it. I strutted through the aisles, saying hello and giving polite waves to smiling strangers and giddy children and rolling in the compliments on my stolen shirt. My beloved Quaker popped chips were overflowing on the shelves with new flavors. My favorite ice cream (Talenti gelato, glory hallelujah) was half price, which has never happened. And then when I went to check out, the cashier said "It looks like you get the blackberry discount today! We overcharged you last week, so you get a $6 credit today." Just enough to pay for the sunday blues frozen pizza I had felt guilty about putting in the cart.
And I left, feeling happier than I have in a long time. Well, happier than I've been in a grocery store. It was the best shopping trip I've had in a long time. Probably ever. It may have been the power of the shirt, or it may have been the spring after the long winter (of grocery shopping), the dawn after the darkness, the land flowing with milk and honey (literally) after 40 years in the desert, the may flowers after the april showers, etcetera etcetera.
We may never know what happened that Sunday afternoon in a little Columbus grocery store, but i can tell you one thing: It gets better, you guys. It gets better.