4.14.2014

it can happen to you too, never give up, and other inspirational quotes

You've heard me wax on and off on about my hatred of grocery shopping. I truly hate it. It's the worst hour of my week, and lately it has gotten progressively worse. Kroger was rearranged a few weeks ago and it has turned my entire life upside down. No longer can I grab bread here and beans there and be out in a jiffy. I have to hunt for the bread that was nonsensically placed next to the canned fruit. And for the black beans that are now by the paper towels. Obviously. Grocery shopping has gone from merely an annoying chore to a true test of character. Now I'm not just trying to get out earshot of screaming children, I'm trying to do it while scavenging for diced tomatoes. Plus, Kroger has been out of limes so often lately that I'm starting to take it personally.


I've been at the end of my rope with grocery shopping. As soon as I got home, I needed at least an hour to lay in bed to cry and process the trauma. I felt as if I could no longer go on. That I'd rather go hungry instead of going to Kroger. What's the point? Why am I putting myself through this misery? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?

But you know those sayings, like the ones where it's darkest before the dawn? That it has to get worse before it gets better? IT'S TRUE, YOU GUYS. It's true.

like, totes mcgoats

I got myself together and went to Kroger yesterday. I pregamed with an iced coffee and a trip to the library to put me in the best frame of mind possible. I sat in the car for ten minutes scouring social media apps and listening to music trying to will myself out of the car. I gave myself a pep talk as I walked up to the carts, terrified they would be super glued together like usual.



But things were different this time, guys. Things were different.

I pulled apart the carts with ease. Raspberries and strawberries were on sale. They weren't sold out of avocados.

And then something else started to happen. Men were winking at me. Kids were giggling and smiling at me when they walked by. Random strangers were saying hi. When did I get famous? I thought to myself. They must've heard about that funny joke I told at work last week. And then a guy in the cracker aisle turned to me with a huge grin and said "YOUR SHIRT IS AMAZING!" Ahh, my shirt! Ok, James' Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shirt that I stole out of his closet. I should've known. The key to a man's heart is through a nerd shirt. I was asked on many a date in college just by wearing my Spamalot shirt. Studies (my own) have shown that a nerd shirt is 89% more effective at picking up men than the bend and snap. I should've known the ninja turtles would be no different.

Whatever the reason for my sudden fame, I had became the queen of my neighborhood Kroger, and I loved it. I strutted through the aisles, saying hello and giving polite waves to smiling strangers and giddy children and rolling in the compliments on my stolen shirt. My beloved Quaker popped chips were overflowing on the shelves with new flavors. My favorite ice cream (Talenti gelato, glory hallelujah) was half price, which has never happened. And then when I went to check out, the cashier said "It looks like you get the blackberry discount today! We overcharged you last week, so you get a $6 credit today." Just enough to pay for the sunday blues frozen pizza I had felt guilty about putting in the cart.


And I left, feeling happier than I have in a long time. Well, happier than I've been in a grocery store. It was the best shopping trip I've had in a long time. Probably ever. It may have been the power of the shirt, or it may have been the spring after the long winter (of grocery shopping), the dawn after the darkness, the land flowing with milk and honey (literally) after 40 years in the desert, the may flowers after the april showers, etcetera etcetera.

We may never know what happened that Sunday afternoon in a little Columbus grocery store, but i can tell you one thing: It gets better, you guys. It gets better.

14 comments:

  1. "When did I get famous?" OMG, I LOVE YOU. I am so happy everything turned around for you this week at the store!!! Shout out to James for having that t-shirt-- maybe I need to borrow it next!!!! I've always found that sports-themed clothes/accessories have the same effect (affect? It's early) on not just men, but all people. I wore a Red Sox hat last weekend to the store and people just started talking to me at every turn about how I thought their season was going to pan out. I'm like.... "uh, my hair just looked bad, and I didn't feel like washing it, so I put this hat on. GOTTA GO!"

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  2. Oh, I appreciate this so much because I also loathe grocery shopping. And it's so funny because I'm reading this after an impromptu trip this morning. I decided to be a bit more positive about it, put in a fun podcast, revel in the fact that it's America and so I can wear sweats and a hoodie and THAT'S OKAY and just tried to enjoy it. And it wasn't that bad! So, I guess some things are about attitude AND positioning ourselves to go into it successfully. I guess sometimes we get back what we put out. :) YAY!

    -- Erika from America

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  3. So you're telling me I should unearth one of my husband's comic book shirts today for the oh-so-dreaded grocery store trip??!?!?! I might have to try this haha

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  4. Miracles CAN happen! and that ice cream is the truth. glad you have such good taste.

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  5. My Ralph's (Kroger) changed everything around too....it's the WORST thing ever. Why did they have to go and change a good thing? Plus, mine added a Starbucks so now all the annoying local high school kids come to my Ralph's and are just happy being pests!

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  6. yeah im pinning all those quotes. PERFECTION.

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  7. I LOVE KROGERS! I'm sorry, Michelle, but here we have walmart, krogers and food lion. thats IT. Walmart is like a trip to the worst ghetto (i'm sorry... but its true) where I see people wearing pajamas and one time even saw a lady wearing tights as pants (my eyes, oh my eyes) food lion is super small. they have nothing. The Krogers here is like HOLY GRAIL OF SHOPPING. Their organic section is HUGE plus there is a sushi bar IN MY KROGERS. So it's my favorite place. I love going because I buy myself a sushi snack every time and then just load up on organic yummies. Half of the store is organic. I'm serious, I have never seen such a huge selection.

    Oh, just thinking about it makes me happy. *Squeee*

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  8. I must say, based on previous unfortunate events in your life (remember the vacuum incident last week?) I was waiting for this story to go terribly wrong. Like somehow you had a giant rabbits tail attached to your pants that you didn't know about. I'm so glad I was wrong! ;-)

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  9. I love your blog! I don't know if you go to the Kroger on Bethel Road in Columbus, but they just changed everything there. I was surprised at how stressed I felt about them switching it up, but it is slowly getting better!

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    1. THEY CHANGED THAT ONE TOO?!? WHYY?! I went to one on Sawmill, not far away at all!

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    2. They rearranged the one on Sawmill? What is going on? I love the one on Bethel because the people who work there are so nice, but the "changing the lanes" rollout was not done very well. I usually grab groceries on my way home after small group on Sunday nights, and the lady in line behind me was like, "I am never coming here again. I don't have time for this kind of crap ..." She was not a happy camper. My biggest thing was that they separated the applesauce so now the small applesauce containers for lunches are not with the jars of applesauce, instead they're with "canned fruit." Anyway, I liked your post! :)

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  10. hahahaha. so glad you finally had a good experience! I got trapped in Target last night because they moved everything & I could find nothing. but that's Target & "trapped" isn't exactly the right word.... who am I kidding? I love wandering those isles.

    also, ps - limes are in low supply right now because of issues in Mexico. they're 2 for a $1 here right now and terrible quality. so that's just not your kroger. that's just the US right now. so margaritas this summer may be tough :(

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  11. That story is pretty damn magical. They just rearranged the Sam's club that's half a mile from our house, and I want to cry. Leave things the same for goodness sakes!

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  12. This gives me hope of going to Target later with my man cold. I don't even want to go to *Target*. That's how bad I feel. But now, I feel like there's hope.

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