4.25.2014

just how many wardrobe malfunctions can someone have in one day?

I wore a shirt yesterday that I haven't worn in a long time. It was one of those times where I thought "why haven't I worn this in so long? It's fantastic!" and then I put it on and within an hour I thought "oh, that's why this thing was buried in the back of my closet for so long."

Turns out this shirt has given me trouble in the past. (See the blue bra/white shirt incident of 2013.) And yesterday was no different. It's a button down shirt, and every time I looked down, a different button had unbuttoned itself. On its own! It wasn't too small or anything like that, just determined to cause trouble. I constantly had to check myself, but it was never enough, because the two times I walked past the same girl, she had to tell me to button my shirt back up. And for the record, I did have a cami on underneath. But still, no one wants their chest region on display for the entire office to see. Well, some people might. But I'm not one of them.

The other problem was my new shampoo. I had several twitter meltdowns about this yesterday, so you probably know what I'm talking about. I bought some new shampoo last week, (Herbal Essence Tealightfully Clean, I think. Stay away. Bury it and burn it. Not in that order.) and I used it for the first time yesterday. I was super excited because it smelled AMAZING in the store. But in the shower? Straight up cough syrup. Nyquil, to be exact. I truly, literally gagged when I squeezed some out of the bottle. It was horrid. I'm telling you, it smelled good in the store, but I must've just had my target goggles on. It's like the jeans that fit you perfectly in the dressing room, and then you get them home and look at them in your own mirror and realize you've made a huge mistake. It was just like that.

I blow dried my hair and tried to breathe with my mouth the whole time, because the smell was about to put me 6 feet under. Except the smell started to slowly transform from cough syrup to the cologne of a 7th grade boy. I'm not making this up. This is real life. I smelled like my 3 week 7th grade boyfriend. I really did, and it gave me my flashbacks all day. I would be typing an email and I'd get a whiff of my hair, and suddenly Fat Lip by Sum 41 would start playing in my head. Another whiff and I was suddenly failing a pre-algebra quiz and trying to figure out how to tell my parents. It was a traumatic day! But any day that involves a middle school flashback is grounds for a meltdown of some sort.

And then there was this other problem. My shoes. I got some new Rainbow flip flops for my birthday. They're the absolute best sandals in the world. I had some in college and pretty much wore those suckers out. The only problem is there's a steep breaking-in phase required. They are absolute misery to wear the first few times, until one day it's like walking on clouds and they're the most comfortable things you've ever worn. It's true. I would never lie to you. But I wore my new pair for the first time yesterday and discovered an unfortunate side effect I must've forgotten. Squeaking. More like squawking, actually. My feet became duck calls every time I walked the halls of the office. Duck calls. It was humiliating and hilarious all at once. I tried all different ways of walking and foot positioning to ward off the squawks, but everything made me look as if I had a killer wedgie. Which I probably did, given my day.

I was the girl with the unbuttoned shirt, pungent hair, and squawking feet. The trifecta!

And then it got worse.

About 20 minutes before I left work, I thought "what is this breeze I feel on my elbow?" I looked down to find a HUGE rip through my shirt right on my elbow. This shirt had literally become the bane of my existence and was determined to undress me. I had done nothing. Nothing! I was just sitting at my desk and the shirt ripped and unbuttoned itself. Obviously, I packed it up and left as quickly as I could.

I stopped for gas on the way home. While the gas was pumping (that sounds weird...), I looked down to see my shirt had unbuttoned itself again, in public, and as I reached down to fix it, I took a step back, tripped over a curb and went flying backwards. It was a rough day for my pride. And the shirt is now where it belongs. In the trash.

BUT THEN. I decided to go for a quick run after work. While running on the treadmill, I thought "wait, what's the string doing here and where did it come from?" With whatever energy I could summon while running, I investigated and discovered that my running pants were unraveling. Literally COMING APART AT THE SEAMS. Thankfully they stayed in tact for the duration of my workout, but WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING TO MY CLOTHES.

 I think it's time for a new wardrobe, because I'm starting to give Janet Jackson a run for her money.

18 comments:

  1. When I saw the snap you sent with the busted-open elbow, I about lost it. THAT SHIRT IS CURSED! BURN IT!!! My favorite pair of shorts are also starting to literally fall apart, and I AM NOT happy about it. I was wearing them last weekend and said to myself "wow, these shorts have seen better days" and proceeded to wear them for the rest of the day anyway. YOLO.

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  2. The shampoo debacle sounds horrible!

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  3. I rotate between the same 3 shampoos/conditioners because I live IN FEAR of that happening. However, after all of your NyQuil references, I might have to try it. The addiction is real!

    Kelsey and I opened the torn shirt snap at the same time and lol'd together. I'M SORRY.

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  4. tears of laughter over here. omg.

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  5. Can I just say that my California self is SO proud to hear that you own a pair of Rainbows :)

    COULD YOU IMAGINE IF YOUR PANTS JUST DROPPED TO THE FLOOR?? I hope you're wearing granny panties from now on!

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  6. i've made a huge mistake - http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lso6d2OLz21r0byljo1_250.gif

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  7. I'm crying here! You are so funny! I too just tossed a shirt that I also believed to be "fantastic" but the buttons were just malfunctioning nightmares! Here's to better wardrobe days. And I also hope that a better smelling shampoo comes into your shower life as well :)

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  8. LOL- This might be the funniest thing I've ever read!!!

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  9. When I saw this title I thought "It's almost like she has a Janet Jackson situation going on" then I saw you referenced her. After the giving birth to cats conversation I shouldn't be surprised at anything we say but I am.

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  10. I once had a pair of bike shorts rip down the back in the middle of a group ride with 200 people, my parents included. I was pretty humiliated.

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  11. I think you need to hit the mall this weekend!! :-) When we were getting dressed for Easter, my husband pulled a very nice pale blue polo shirt out of his drawer and announced he had never seen it before in his life, ever. He must have because he, at one point, BOUGHT IT. We did a full inspection to make sure the reason it was in the back of the drawer wasn't because of a rip or stain, but it checked out okay! Although it totally wouldn't surprise me if there was a rogue hole in there somewhere that we missed.

    Also, I bought dish soap once that smelled JUST like a guy I dated in college. It was some sort of lilac scent. I don't know if I like what that says about my taste in men and dish soap!

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  12. oh dear, your day takes the cake! Those flip flops sound awesome.

    I'd love to be a fly on the wall at your work. I wonder what others think of your...clumsiness? The one story where you were stuck to something and it kept falling as you were trying to walk away keeps reoccurring in my memory bank. Your life is amazing. I have an old coworker who is terribly clumsy and also, like you, it seems inanimate and perfectly stationary objects are out to get her. Poor thing, it got worse because she was so scared of making another mistake or spilling something she would be all flustered... but she was so cute no one could really get mad at her, we all just teased her :)

    I was wondering, is it a club, or something? Were you all experimented on in preschool? Is there a government agent following you around recording you for science? Is he providing all these clothes and setting up all these situations to see what will happen? I bet there is. Beware...

    Well, in terms of my first question, your coworkers, they probably don't think of it, actually. Because they probably have their own problems, like paying rent and picking up their kids. Poor first world problems, unlike yours, where you have to worry about your clothes rebelling against their main functionality, AND paying rent.

    I hope you get to eat an amazing pizza tonight and relax.

    Also, I've always thought I was clumsy, but after reading your blog I think I only have a mild case of The Confused Feet or Temporary Unexplained Blindness or whatever it is.

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    1. Haha! My coworkers LOVE it. They get so much entertainment out of my issues and love to tell everyone about whatever crisis I'm currently in the middle of. The story of the box and packing tape stuck to my butt is one that will never be forgotten by them. Or me, for that matter!

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  13. NOT THE TRIFECTA.

    Michelle, you should've pretend throw up and asked to go home lol

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  14. I feel like this is pretty much my daily life.

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