+ 5:44: I'd go to the gym but I seem to be superglued to the couch and to my laptop for the foreseeable future. Someone's gotta finish this blog post and read these articles about the Duggar family.
+ 6:57: I brought my berry smoothie upstairs to drink while I dry my hair. I sat it on the counter for a minute, heard a loud thud, and turned around expecting to see my hairbrush on the floor. What I saw was a bloody crime scene. And by that I mean purple smoothie covering every single crevice of the bathroom. On the walls, the door, the floor, and the light blue rug. There goes my breakfast and any remaining bits of a good mood.
+ 7:32: I get dressed. I loved this shirt when I bought it, but now I feel like Bozo the clown. I was going to wear red shoes with it, but that would just seal the deal, so I put on my new shoes that are guaranteed to have my feet crying by 3:00.
|Shell D. Bozo|
+ 8:32 Drive past the Columbus skyline as Go to Sleep by the Avett Brothers comes on shuffle. It's a good moment. I bounce in my seat. There's hope for this day yet.
+ 9:01: Pretend to work while reading the first of too many april fool's blog posts. Roll my eyes harder than usual.
+ 9:32: New month, new food truck schedule. There's a food truck coming to work in a few weeks called The Angry Wiener. I manage to keep my composure.
+ 9:49: Tell my breakfast woes to coworker. He gives me a package of brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts. My favorite. I haven't had them since childhood. All thoughts of healthy eating go out the window and I inhale them. Maybe I should spill my breakfast more often.
+ 10:03 Coworker changes his celtic weirdness calendar over to April. There is a UNICORN. I erupt into giggles and announce it to the surrounding people. Coworker is not amused and trying to defend his choice in calendars citing ignorance. I continue to cackle.
+ 10:04: Upon further observation, the unicorn looks more like a goat. A goaticorn, I call it. I give myself the giggles again.
+ 10:05: I read the notes on the calendar. I find this paragraph about unicorn thinking. My laughing reaches another level and I'm unable to breathe for the next 7 minutes. Coworker is slightly embarrassed over accidentally buying a unicorn calendar, but I can tell he actually kind of likes it. I tell him I need to take a picture to send to all my "friends." It's really so I can blog about it, but he can't know that.
+ 10:11: Trying to go back to work but still cracking unicorn jokes. Tell coworker that the goaticorn looks as if it would like to eat my soul for breakfast. "How do you know? Did it tell you that?" he muses. "I didn't have to," I reply, "Its eyes did."
+ 10:47: Coworker tells me he actually he has a unicorn song on his iPod that he listens to a lot. 30 seconds in I have to take my earbuds out as my ears have started to physically bleed from the trauma. I ask if it's a children's song. He says it is. I'm relieved. He says there's hand motions he'll teach me. I say no.
+ 11:13: Coworker gets up from his desk. I draw terrible pictures of goaticorns on green post its and stick them to his computer. I laugh to myself. Girl on the other side of my desk asks if I'm ok. I choke on my own giggles.
+ 11:17: Coworker returns and laughs/rolls his eyes at my drawings. I have tears from laughing, and I don't even know why. Coworker asks if there's vodka in my water. There's not. This is what happens when you give me sugary pop tarts, I tell him. It's actually your fault.
+ 2:37: I already ate lunch while working, so I take my lunch break and sit in the car with the windows down. It's 70 degrees and I could kiss the weather. The wind is so strong it nearly blows my car over. My hair is a giant tangle. Mother nature thought it could use a little volume. She's not wrong.
+ 3:00: My feet hurt real bad.
+ 3:14: Coworker isn't at his desk. I'm feeling frisky and make another round of goaticorn post-its and stick them on his computer and on his calendar. My horrendous drawings and the goaticorn in general give me another case of the giggles. I laugh so hard I start crying. I'm embarrassed over how hard I'm laughing by myself, but that makes me laugh harder.
|i'm like really good at art|
+ 5:16: I finally clock out, throw on my shades, and drive home blasting early 2000s rap. I am literally the coolest person in Columbus, and everyone driving past me knows it.
+ 5:49: I trudge to the gym, cursing myself for not getting off the couch this morning. Everything is terrible. The gym is approximately 100 degrees. Finally everyone leaves and I can deal with this wedgie I've had for ten minutes. Then I turn around and see a guy walk past me. I wasn't alone and he saw the whole thing.
+ 6:33: There's a horrible beach body challenge at work I begrudgingly agreed to out of peer pressure. The first exercise is a 60 second plank. I fall into a pile of my own misery after the 20 longest seconds of my life.
+ 7:03: There's a giant bug in my closet. I scream.
+ 7:07: On the couch with food. Psych is on TV. Shawn Spencer is the funniest person alive and uses a "your face" joke. Life is good. Texting Sarah about crazy women of the internet who take pictures while giving birth and who make placenta smoothies. I no longer have an appetite for dinner. Especially not for placenta, for I am not a cannibal.
+ 8:32: Raspberry lime sparkling water. I like it. It's zippy.
8:57: THERE IS A BUG CRAWLING ON THE TV WHILE WE'RE WATCHING IT. James kills it. I relax.
9:19: I HEAR ANOTHER BUG. I scream. This is why I love winter.
9:47: I finally go to bed later than I meant to, as usual, and fall asleep dreaming of goaticorns.