what I've been up to lately: mostly stories of how I prank my coworkers

1. A bunch of you have been asking me for follow-up stories about the guy who asked for my number a few weeks ago, and I'm here to deliver. If you're wondering, James knows everything and we've laughed so much over the whole thing. I saw Mr. Football (that's how I refer to him since everything he talks about goes back to how he played college football) the next day, and he was shockingly normal, unflustered by the whole thing, and asked me how my day was going. I see him every so often and occasionally we'll chat. Here's a word for word sampling of conversations we've had:

Mr. F: "So, how long ago did you graduate from college?"
Me: "3 years ago."
Mr. F: "So....2010?"
Me: "No, '11."
Mr. F: "....how is that 3 years?"
Me: *counts on fingers* "2012, 2013, 2014."
Mr. F: "Ohhhhh!"

Mr. F: "So how long have you been working here?" (keep in mind, he asked this last month)
Me: "Um, nearly a year and a half now." (not quite, but close enough)
Mr. F. "So you started last summer?"

I think he took a few too many footballs to the head, bless his heart.

2. James and I tried a new church yesterday. Due to a rough morning and a series of unfortunate events, we arrived 20 minutes late. We walked in as quietly as possible, but the entire congregation still turned around and watched us look for a place to sit. If you've hung around here at all, I don't need to tell you how humiliated that made me. 30 minutes later, the fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate and mingle amongst strangers. My social anxiety had a heyday.

2a. After church I made James stop at Dunkin Donuts, since the only one around here just happened to be on the way home. I had been awake since 6 and wasn't able to go back to sleep, and I hadn't eaten anything yet (both part of the unfortunate events previously mentioned)(my mother is shaking her head in exasperation)(hi, mom), and I tore into a bacon, egg & cheese sandwich immediately since I couldn't wait a second longer. I took a bite, and half the egg broke off and fell between the seat and the console. There were almost tears.

2b. Later on I went to the grocery store where a carton of raspberries fell and stained my new shirt. What I'm trying to say is that yesterday was a very bad day.

3. On Saturday I accidentally slept in till 11, laid in bed most of the day, and then James and I took a 9pm trip to Lowe's and bought patio chairs and stopped for milkshakes on the way home. That is my ideal Saturday.

4. This is my desktop picture at work. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen, and I giggle like a maniac every time I see it because I'm 12 (yes, it's a goaticorn for those of you paying attention). And I'm not exaggerating. A frequent question at work is "what is Michelle laughing at?" to which one one of the two people near me say "nothing, she's just looking at her desktop picture again." My new favorite hobby is printing a dozen copies of this picture and covering my neighbor's desk after he's left for the day. He loves it. Except on friday night I covered his computer monitors with post-its.

4a. I've been having an inordinate amount of fun terrorizing aforementioned coworker. He's like the little brother I've never had who's twice my age. I stayed 30 minutes late one night last week to completely rearrange his desk. My friend and I moved EVERYTHING around and hid important things like his mouse and his pens. We covered his desk in goaticorn pictures and taped a balloon to his chair with a creepy face drawn on it. It's some of my best work to date. Oh, and the balloon's name is Wilson. He's been deflated, but he says hi.

this face has given us all nightmares

In fact, at the moment Wilson is strategically positioned on someone's desk amongst photos of a certain coworker's children.

4b. Speaking of work and goaticorns. Remember the horrendously drawn goaticorn post-its I drew for my coworker so long ago that all started with his poorly chosen calendar? Yeah, that never stopped. It became a bit of a thing. There were multiple goaticorns drawn every day, every one relaying an important message or thought about something that happened that day. And it wasn't just me! Other people started drawing goaticorns. Toward the end of April (the month of the goaticorn), other departments even became involved. There were poems and haikus of farewell at the end of the month. I think April 2014 might be a bit of a legend. Creepy? Yes. Weird? Yes. Dumb? Yes. But it was the most fun month of work I've ever had.

fyi,  I still can't draw
4c. One of my favorite things about my job is that we can pretty much come and go when we please depending on our department. Some people show up to work at 6am, and some people roll in at 10:30. It doesn't really matter too much as long as we work our 40 hours a week. I tend to get to work relatively early, but the people I sit near come in around 10. The guy next to me, the recipient of the goaticorn messages, gave me a big speech one day on how he would go to bed early that night and get to work early. By 10:30 the next morning, he was still not in, and I knew I couldn't let him off the hook for it. The goaticorn was on business elsewhere, so I wrote him a note, stuffed it in an easter egg, and placed it on his keyboard. Obviously he was amused. Why wouldn't he be?

5. All last week I talked about cake. It was all I wanted. All I fantasized about. All I dreamed about. Cake and thoughts of cake consumed me. A girl I worked with felt the same way. We talked over our cubes every day about how much we wanted someone to deliver a cake and two forks to us so we could go at it. And then on Friday, she left in the middle of the day. And she came back. WITH A CAKE. We took huge pieces for ourselves and passed the rest out. Cake turned me into an extrovert. I walked up to people who sit near me that I've never spoken to and said "hello, excuse me, would you like this piece of cake?" to which they would ask the occasion, and I would respond "because it's Friday and we're alive." I think I made a lot of new friends. Cake tends to bring people together like that.

And that's what I've been up to. Too bad my coworker next to me was on vacation. He probably deserves that cake after everything I've done to him. If I'm ever absent from my blog for a week again, start fearing for him. But don't worry too much. He is, after all, the guy who had my face photoshopped onto Steve Urkel's body and then emailed it to the whole department.


  1. oh dear. YOUR LIFE. I love it :P

  2. This is not at all diminishing my desire to work in your office. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. Do you know how happy it would make me to come into work and see goaticorns everywhere??? "Hopes and Dreams 100 Cal Pack" is absolutely sending me into a fit of giggles right now.

    Please never stop documenting what a meat head Mr. Football is.

  3. "Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake!" -Rihanna/you/me

    The "you, yesterday" note is killing me. I love it so much. And I wish my office let us come and go as we please, as long as we get our 40 hours in. Add that to the reasons why I need a new job. And why I need to move to Columbus.

    Saturday night = my dream. I love going to Lowes!

  4. when we began attending our current church (about 1500 people) we learned that after the first song, they take about five minutes to mingle with visitors. ahhh! anxiety much???

    1. p.s. i will make you some crappy dollar store goaticorn art!

  5. i just. i just. i just. love everything about this post. (except for you spilling things and being late.) I feel pain for you with those things. but the rest with the goaticorns. i hope there are goaticorns in heaven.

  6. I just love you, I do. This was hilarious, and I'm fully savoring it as a break from studying for finals. No joke, I spit my gum out laughing reading "totes mcgoats(icorn)! hahahah! LOVE!

  7. I think I want to work with you :)

  8. Haha I love that you play pranks on your coworker...that is hilarious!! At least you're doing it to make him laugh, whereas I'm doing it to the crazy OCD lady to piss her off. You're such a better person ;)

    And can I have your work hours? Come and go as you please?? I WISH. I also wish to not work at all!

    Now I want mint chocolate chip ice cream cake. The best cake ever pretty much.

  9. I can honestly say I'd love to be your co-worker. Except everyone around us might hate us haha

  10. Your coworkers sound pretty rad. Also, cake delivery? I'm totally down with that. Our admin had cookies delivered a couple of weeks ago, but cookies are not as good as cake on any planet.


Talk to me! If your email is linked to your account, I'll respond to you via email. If not, I'll respond to you right here.