Let's talk about my Mother-in-law. She is one of the kindest and most generous women I've ever met. Her generosity astounds me and she is so good to us, but there's no denying the fact that she is a handful. I really do love her and I enjoyed our time together, but it felt like running a marathon. It truly did. She has the ability of a toddler to say the most outrageous things completely out of the blue. She is completely full of quirks. All week long she referred to James and me as girls. All day we heard "Girls, come look at this!" and "What do you girls want for lunch?" and so on and so forth. She also refers to her female dog as a "he," so who knows what she's thinking. She will also never call anything by its name. Everything is referred to as either "stuff" or "things." When she wants more salsa, she asks the waiter for more "stuff" and gestures to the salsa. If she's pointing out something, she'll say "look at the little things!" and point at whatever she's referencing. It could be french fries or shoes and she would call them "things." And she is still referring to parking spots as "parks" (i.e. There are too many cars, I can't find a good park!). James and I also could not say one thing to each other without her demanding to know what we said and why. We resorted to discreetly texting each other all day even though we were side by side.
All this woman does is talk. As we got in the car to drive the two and a half hours to the beach, she looked James and me in the eye and said "I cannot have any silence on this drive. I need you both to talk to me the whole way. I can't handle silence." I looked at James in wide-eyed terror as I was sitting in the front seat to ward off my inevitable car sickness. I am NOT a talkative person unless I am with my parents or James or very close friends. Any kind of small talk or forced conversation and I seriously need a nap afterwards, and after that car ride I could've slept for a month. As usual, this woman did not fail to make us laugh or humiliate us. I knew I was going to get some good quotes when she referred to the router as the "wifi machine" just minutes after we first pulled in.
It's imperative that you read these with the thickest southern accent you can imagine. And pretend there's a petite woman waving her arms like she's bringing in a plane.
"A black beautician once told me that white people's hair turns black before it turns grey, and I believe it's true."
"I like Myrtle Beach because there's older people and they have sidewalks."
"This swamp would be a great place to kill someone."
At the beach...during summer....at one of the USA's most popular vacation destinations:
"Why is there so much traffic? There must be a funeral."
After I mentioned something about the health benefits of the spinach in my salad
"Wait...spinach is good for you? I had no idea!" <---no, that was not sarcastic...she truly didn't know.
Looking at a temporary dealership license plate on the car next to us.
"Look at that license plate...I bet it's from a foreign country!"
"Starbucks has good coffee because they use coffee beans."
At a Mexican restaurant, to a hispanic waitress:
"Can I just have mashed potatoes with that? I need to eat at least something American."
(James and I shared looks of absolute horror. Needless to say we never got a refill.)
James: "Is this Colbie Callait on the radio?"
Me: "Not sure, but it sounds like her."
MIL: "What? What are you saying?"
Us: "Colbie Callait. The singer. She's on the radio."
MIL: "Why are you speaking another language? What?"
James: "Colbie Callait is the name of a singer."
MIL: "Oh! I thought you were speaking to each other in Spanish."
Speaking to me while standing on the edge of a pier
"If you were to fall in the water, I wouldn't go after you. I would think about it, but I wouldn't."
"Is provolone a sausage or a cheese?"
To a guy reeling in a fish on the pier
"Did you really catch something, or are you just pretending to catch something since there's people around?"
(He really caught something. A stingray, in fact, and he let me pet it.)
After listening to a ministry on the radio ask for donations since they're at the end of a fiscal year
"Oh that's why they keep asking for money. It's the end of the physical year."
(She enunciated the word "physical," leaving no room for me to misunderstand her.)
"Lake Tahoe's the lake in Vegas with the ocean water, right?"
And an honorary mention from James' grandfather:
"I cancelled my subscription to the Facebook after three days."