7.10.2014

hell hath no fury like a woman with cravings

{this post brought to you by my hormones. I am not responsible for any secondhand cravings this may cause.}

I mentioned my intense craving for salt and vinegar chips the other day. I was hoping it would pass quickly, the like the 24 hour flu.  My plan was to ride it out, see how it goes, you know, LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY. But then I woke up the other day, and the first thing I thought of where those crunchy, tangy, morsels of heaven, and I knew this was going to be a lingering issue.

I tried all week to avoid them. There was a small bag of them for sale in our break room, and every day I told myself I would buy them, but then I would chicken out. Eat your carrots, Michelle. You don't need those chips. I'm not one to crave chips. I love them dearly, I do, but they're only an issue if there's an open bag in front of me. Because then I will try to only eat one, but I will then eat the entire bag. So I avoid them, because to invite chips into my life, especially kettle chips, is to invite trouble. And we all have enough trouble as it is.

The week went on in similar fashion, except it has been a no good, very bad, horrible, terrible week. One of those one-blow-after-another kind of weeks, and all things that are very out of my control. Except for when I ruined some spoons in the garbage disposal, but I plead the fifth there. So Wednesday morning I woke up and said I will have a better day today, even if it kills me. The cravings persisted, and I determined that I was going to do something about it once and for all. Maybe. I grabbed a salad at Whole Foods for lunch, and while I was scooping some sunflower seeds on top I thought you know, the chip aisle is right there. So I meandered over, my heart in my throat, wondering if Whole Foods would stoop so low as to sell something fried in oil. My eyes scanned the shelves as my heart pounded, until THERE THEY WERE, IN ALL THEIR GLORY.  Sea Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips. I am literally salivating just typing those words.

I grabbed them and bought them and showcased them as soon as I got back to work. "I DID IT, YOU GUYS, I FINALLY DID IT. " The heads of women everywhere popped up at once. "YOU GOT THE CHIPS? ARE THEY AMAZING? I'VE CRAVED THEM ALL WEEK TOO!" One girl found some on sale and had been hoarding them, suffering from the same salt & vinegar craving. I blame the moon cycles. And the girl next to me shouted FINALLY! in great relief, happy I'll no longer pester her all day with questions like don't salt and vinegar chips sound good right now? Would you eat some if I bought them? Wait what if I don't feel like sharing? No really though, don't they sound good? I can't blame her. I was a bit obnoxious.

I inhaled almost the whole bag yesterday. I paced myself as much as possible, but it was no use. With every bite my outlook on the world in general improved greatly. In a brief moment of strength, I finally closed the bag with a binder clip and tossed them in a drawer, but I could hear them whispering to me all day long until I'd grab another handful. I kept my dignity and left some in the bag for today, but I guarantee that by the time you read this, they'll be gone. But they're from Whole Foods, so I comfort myself in the thought that they're probably fried in the tears of Himalayan monks instead of vegetable oil. So, you know, fewer calories and all that.

But either way, it was worth, it my friends. Life is too short. Some time you just beed to buy the darn chips. And chocolate. Buy that too. "No carbs, no fun." -Shakespeare, in his lesser known work, A Midsummer Night's Dream of Food.

8 comments:

  1. CHIPS HAPPEN. It's okay, don't feel ashamed, it's really okay. Also, don't worry if I have Pringles in my desk or not.

    The comment re: the tears of Himalayan monks put me over the edge.

    Also, I can't remember if Kelsey and I have asked you to watch this, but you should: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbGtbfkWolA

    "NO MORE CHIPS AND CHOCOLATE!"

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    Replies
    1. "NO, I DID GOOD WITH THE RED MEAT. Yeah! No, I really cut it out last year" BRB LOOPING FOREVER

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    2. "DO YOU WANT A PIZZA? ITS GOT MEAT ON IT!"

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  2. OH GIRL, we've all been there!!!!! I love the part where you talked about the food whispering to you from the drawer at your desk, because I have a box of Wheat Thins that are doing that to me right now. How early is too early for Wheat Thins?

    ALSO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE MELT IN COLUMBUS FOR A SECOND, OKAY? That needs to be one of our first stops when we arrive in ~three weeks~ *SALSA DANCING EMOJI*

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  3. Sea salt and vinegar chips are sooo good, but water tastes funny afterwards so when I have a craving (which happens often, 'cuz they're the shit), I have to remember the gross taste of water post-chips and ask myself if it's worth it.

    It usually is.

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  4. I'm not really a chip person (my vice is french fries, my husband on the other hand eats them by the bag full, apparently it's a Michigan person thing, but I digress). But there is something in the salt and vinegar flavored ones, it's like crack! I swear they must be in cahoots with the Girl Scout cookie folks, because you can't....have....just....one!

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  5. most of the time, it's always worth it.
    until you're bloated and uncomfortable.
    and sometimes, it's still worth.

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  6. I wish I could say I haven't been there but I did recently eat almost an entire [big] bag of puff cheetos, so...

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talk to me.