stream of consciousness, vol. 6
I'm currently watching a documentary on the Titanic while devouring a bowl of vanilla ice cream. For some reason, ice cream sounds good to me when the temperatures are below zero. I would've also accepted chocolate chip waffles, but I'm in no mood to actually make them right now. I did eat spinach and carrots today, so you can just shove those thoughts you're probably having. It is Mardi Gras, after all. Which I'll admit I discovered at approximately 4:13 this afternoon.
Back to the Titanic. I've been fascinated with it since I was a kid. In elementary school, I had a huge book on the Titanic and practically had all the facts and layout of the ship memorized. I watched as many documentaries as I could get my paws on, and I wrote a huge research paper on it in 10th grade. I have no idea what my obsession is, but I can't help it. I also had a thing for volcanoes as a kid, and my most recent obsession from 2009 to present is World War II. Don't even get me started on how much I dig a good tornado documentary. What does it mean if I love tragic and destructive events and forces? Don't answer that.
In other uninteresting news, it's so cold here. Just so, so cold. I love winter and I love the way it makes us all hunker down, but winter is just hard this year. My boots and jeans are covered in salt, and I hate the way I have to wear 12 layers of clothes to keep from freezing and then immediately need to strip naked whenever I walk into a store, because everyone cranks the heater up to August in Florida degrees. But at the same time, it's such good weather in which to stay home and get things done, which is exactly what I've been doing. I've been setting up the nursery, sorting through fluffy newborn onesies, covering my lap with skeins of yarn, and baking blueberry muffins. I wouldn't be as productive if it were summer. Of that I am sure.
I'm dreading summer so much this year. Dreading it. Not only do I hate summer the way most people hate winter, I think I have PTSD. Whenever I think of summer, I think morning sickness. Even looking back to pictures of early summer before the pregnancy plague hit makes me feel sick. All I remember are the humid evenings when the air conditioner could hardly keep up and I was stuck in bed, sweating and puking. For months. Every wave of heat would make me feel even sicker. I know I won't be sick like that this summer, but I can't separate my memories of summer from the sensation of debilitating nausea in the same way I can't drive past a Wendy's without thinking of those early, miserable weeks when the only thing I could stomach was their fries and the occasional chicken nugget. I even chewed a piece of peppermint gum this morning from a pack James bought me over the summer, and I had to spit it out. What used to help my nausea now nauseates me. Are you sick of hearing about that yet? I'm sick of remembering it. And sick of still experiencing it.
I think I've been sufficiently dramatic enough for one post. What I'm trying to say is that it's cold, I've been making waffles, and I've been hunkering down. And I mostly love it, though it will be nice to not have to thaw out my legs every morning once I get to work.
Last night I dreamed that I had the baby and when I went to nurse her, she turned into a cat, clawed me, and ran away. What does that even mean? Please don't tell me. About once every week or two I dream about giving birth to a cat. At least the baby came out a human this time. I jolted awake, completely traumatized, just in time for my actual cat to jump back on the bed and meow in my face. I still can't look at her in the eye. Sometimes I think I'm ready to have the baby, and then I have a dream like that and it's the last thing I ever want to do. Also when a lady tells me she thinks I'm going to give birth a few weeks early. That will make me curl up in bed and cry as soon as I get home, but that's beside the point and just further proof that I'm going crazy.
It was nice chatting with you, but nesting calls and I have some things to go slap on the walls in the baby's room. I can't wait to show you pictures. That room is turning into my favorite room of all rooms.
But the room would be better if there were donuts in it.
I'm really hungry today. I bet you haven't noticed.