3.06.2015

does this baby make me look fat?


It's March! The baby is full-term! My feet are the size of Nebraska! It's still snowing! I haven't slept in a week! Insomnia is a real thing. I am completely irrational and full of tears at all times. The contractions and false labor are starting to drive me crazy. I am so huge that I had to lay down to catch my breath after pulling my boots on this morning. Speaking of feeling and being huge, a girl in the office bathroom looked at me the other day and said, "So, when were you due?"

When was I due? Excuse me? What makes you think I'm even pregnant?

Ha.

I told her I have three more weeks and then waddled out of the bathroom while she wiped the surprised look off her face. The looks of sympathy abound whenever I slowly traverse the office on the way to and from the bathroom, which is roughly 57 times a day. I walk through a gauntlet of "hang in there!" "almost there!" "you're so close!" while I grunt a response like a dying cow. 

I am almost there. This is both a good thing and a bad thing.

Allow me to elaborate.

Reasons this baby needs to come out now:

+ Have you ever had a human crawl inside your abdomen and then violently elbow you as if they're avenging someone's death? 
+ The end-of-pregnancy OB appointments. Am I being punished for something?! Traumatizing.
+ The insatiable need to chew on ice chips will no longer force me to dig through the ice tray of the freezer in the middle of the night. 
+ My feet will fit in shoes other than my Uggs. 
+ I'm getting tired of wearing the same three shirts and the one remaining pair of maternity jeans that don't suffocate my abdominals. A closet full of clothes I can wear? WHAT IS THIS BLISS?!

Reasons she needs to stay put forever:

+ Birth. 
+ Anything with the word "postpartum." 
+ Birth
+ The stove burners haven't been cleaned and the baseboards haven't been vacuumed yet. If that doesn't get done, I'm convinced that when they hand her to me for the first time, all I'll be able to think is "this is nice, but I would enjoy it more if my baseboards were clean."
+ Birth

In other news, I have advice for all women of a child-bearing age: if at all possible, do everything in your power to not be 9 months pregnant when your driver's license expires. 

Ask me how I know this.

Never mind, I'll tell you. 

Google a picture of a blowfish.

That's why.

Moving on. I've bonded with a fellow pregnant girl at work. She's only 5 months along, and when she told me she's uncomfortable already I had to bite my tongue until it was bleeding to not scream OH JUST YOU WAIT. But she's nice, and whenever I see her we compare symptoms and trade stories like boys with baseball cards. She asked me the other day if I'm nesting, and I said LET ME TELL YOU 'BOUT MY NESTING. That should've been her cue to end the conversation. My urges are as strong as ever, but my body has quit on me after February, when I spent every night setting up the nursery and cleaning and organizing and making lists of what to clean and organize and set up next. I'm still antsy to reorganize the bookshelves and re-purge my dresser and closet. My mom is bringing me a hand-held vacuum so I can clean the baseboards and whatever else my heart desires. I won't tell you that I'm more excited about using it than I am about my birthday. I've requested several books from the library on purging and organizing. Cleaning is still the wind beneath my wings.

But my nesting has taken a turn.

Into homemade/natural skin products and cleaning supplies.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I've dabbled in it here and there over the years, but now I want to sample everything at Lush and there is currently a pound of unrefined shea butter sitting in my amazon shopping cart.

?!?!?!?!?!

I spent 2 hours last night googling homemade laundry detergent and trying to figure out if Borax really is bad for you. And do I even care? And maybe I should use white vinegar as a fabric softener? 

I've gone off the deep end. 

I've also been embroidering like you wouldn't believe. There's a chance it's my calling in life. I woke up at the jolly hour of 6am on Sunday and started to teach myself to crochet. There are approximately 57 knitting patterns that have me foaming at the mouth, but have you seen the price of yarn these days? Mom, will you share?

So many ideas and so little energy. Such swollen ankles that ache as though I'm wearing the shackles of despair.

I think I'm getting loopy.

That's where I am these days. Tired, sore, and worrying every second I'm at work that my water is about to break in front of everyone. And then coming home and trying to bribe the cat to clean for me. My mind says go clean, but my body says Chipotle and Netflix. And I'm not one to be disagreeable. 

11 comments:

  1. You are hilarious. And birth isn't so bad, it's the recovery if you have a c-section, epidural, or tear. Therein lies the real party. I always forget to comment on your blog, but I've been reading a long time and love your writing. Plus we became surprise pregnant last year at this time and my head nearly exploded, so reading your journey a few months behind mine has been really fun.

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  2. AHHH. You are cracking me up! You're SO cute though, not even close to resembling a blow fish ;)

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  3. Those pictures are so good. You should frame them. Make them your Christmas card. Get them tattooed to your belly. Something. Anything.

    I heard you on the nesting thing. I'm starting to get anxious that things aren't set up and I haven't had a chance to go through and wash all the clothes we've been given. I'm so ready to start putting all the little things away.

    I've heard that if your water breaks in bed it'll ruin your mattress. My mattress is my most treasured possession and my heart will literally break if anything happens to it. My hope is that my water breaks while I'm at the hospital. Or in a washroom facility. Now I'm stressing. But I'm sure yours won't ever break so don't worry.

    I bet God made pregnancy so traumatic to ease the horrors of child birth. Not that you'll have any horrors.

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  4. I think you should just be pregnant forever because your stories and humor keep me laughing!! Okay, that was cruel to say, I know ;) Your belly is adorable and no matter how large you feel, know that you are like, the perfect picture of pregnancy- seriously, you look great! Also... I need to know why end of pregnancy OB appointments are so bad?! This is news to me....

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  5. Those pictures really are fantastic!

    Birth really isn't so bad. Actually, the weird thing is that you eventually forget how crazy birth was (or at least I did). It's also probably the reason why women have more than one baby!

    Nick wanted to come to one of my last OB appointments when I was pregnant and I immediately told him the reasons why he should not. Of all the appointments to sit in on...

    Confession: I thought you might have given birth since you were quiet for more than a week! Not that you wanted to hear that right now, right? ;)

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  6. You will be amazing. You will not think of baseboards or toilets or anything else the moment that baby is on your chest. You may cry for an hour straight because... everything. You might think it's the single greatest moment of your life. You might wonder how you were capable of so much love at one time. (Those things happened to me.) Many prayers for a safe delivery! You're awesome and your nugget is going to be awesome.
    I'd recommend checking out the Honest Co if you haven't yet. We get the diaper bundle and the household bundle. Eco friendly, safe... and I'd rather spend my spare time sewing, watching Netflix, or eating cookies than making cleaners. That sounded potentially judgmental but I mean that I'm a lazy environmentalist. :)

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  7. YESSSSS to all of this. Anything with the word post-partum is a little scary. Wait until you see the underpants they give you. scarier yet, wait until they become your "of choice" underwear. Now thats scary. P.S. I'm still wearing my maternity pants. Hello, motherhood. (on the reals, you'll be great.)

    Everytime I notice a tiny silence on your social media, I think: this is it! She is having a baby....
    SOON! Right?

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  8. BIRTH. Girl, that's not even the half of it. What happens AFTER birth is the real stuff. Let's chat. Actually, I'll be writing a post about it, so hopefully you won't have gone into labor by the time I publish it.

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  9. I'm just now getting around to reading this. If It makes you feel better, birth was the easiest part of my whole pregnancy. I hope that's encouraging and not a big tease. Since its all fresh in my mind I'd be happy to answer any questions if you have them. Breastfeeding on the other hand, that's worse than they tell you it is, but if you can get through the first four days or so, it gets better. Good luck! The end is near

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  10. Hahaha, you are so a Mama already! Ahh...those days feel like yesterday-- and now my kid is turning ONE in three weeks. ONE!? Unbelievable. You will do amazing during birth because it's what your body is made to do. AND, from experience, if you have a c-section it isn't bad at all. I didn't mind being pampered in the hospital a few extra days longer. (And not doing laundry for a few extra weeks because "But I just had major surgery!"...totally worth it!) Soon your baby will be here...so exciting! That babe makes all the crazy up and downs of postpartum bearable!

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  11. This is seriously cracking me up and making me really sad I didn't discover your blog earlier BEFORE the swollen ankles so I could have enjoyed more pregnancy stories. I'll just have to come to terms with hilarious newborn stories. Good day.

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