I MADE IT TO MY DUE DATE.
This is a big deal. I mean, I guess it is? It is. I've been praying since day 1 that I would make it to my due date. Once I got settled into the second trimester and got over the miscarriage fear, I started worrying about pre-term labor. It happens all the time! To so many people! As a first time mom, I knew the odds were on my side, but you never know. I prayed day and night that my little peanut would stay where she belongs until her due date. I know she could've come earlier and been just fine, but I wanted her in there as long as possible to have the best chance at a good start. Thank you, thank you Jesus. And also, let's be honest, I wanted her to stay in there because I'm freaking out. No matter what happens, I'm guaranteed a baby by next week. Let's not talk about it or I'll be forced to get a second bowl of ice cream. Plus I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I have to actually set my mug on the coffee table instead of resting it on my belly.
Also, I'm on maternity leave! Without a baby! I'm fulfilling a lifetime dream of being a stay at home mom without the kids. Just kidding. I want the baby, but this time to rest and relax has been everything I thought it could be. I daydreamed and salivated over this the past few weeks. Knowing I was going to have this time was the only thing that got me through work and the resulting swollen ankles. The second I walked out Friday evening, I felt my body relax. I had no idea how uptight and tense I'd been! I've been sleeping like a rock ever since, which is amazing considering I've been battling insomnia for months. My body is starting to show signs of preparing for birth, which it was just not doing until I stopped working.
I HAVE SO MUCH FREEDOM. Every night is Friday night! Every morning is like waking up to a snow day! I GOT TO TURN MY ALARM OFF GLORY HALLELUJAH. I can eat breakfast in bed! Oh! OHH!! Monday? I took a three hour nap. I'm not a napper!! But I napped for three hours. I freaking REM-cycled and everything and dreamed that I had to take a shower at my OB appointment, but I forgot my shampoo. My cat cuddled up next to me. When I woke up it was snowing, and I didn't even care because I had tea downstairs and nowhere to be. I started and stopped about 14 different shows and movies on Netflix. I stayed up late reading. An early maternity leave is one of the best choices I've ever made. I have no idea how long it will last, but for now I'm in heaven. I feel so much more rested, I'm so much less swollen, and I can't stop thinking this pregnancy would have been much more manageable if someone would've just let me take a gosh darn nap every afternoon. I am positively delightful afterwards. Or something like that.
I ate ice cream in bed last night. Out of a bright green bowl. James was next to me and we watched Friends on his iPad while I went through stacks of old pictures and picked out my favorite memories of us and strung them up with black and white twine. I thought it was Friday instead of Tuesday. I made a little makeshift desk out of a weird alcove in our master bedroom. Today, I'm hanging up twinkle lights. And going to the library, again, because burying myself under books with deadlines is apparently my idea of a good time. And I get to go see my mom in the middle of the week because I CAN. It's allowed now!
I'm sorry if I'm rubbing this in your face. I'm sorry if you're reading this from your cubicle and you want to pull my hair out. I've been there, I have. But just know I paid for this already with months of throwing up in front of God and everyone and curling up on the floor by my desk. If it makes you feel any better, I lost the blu-ray remote yesterday afternoon and couldn't pause my movie to use the bathroom every 5 minutes. I have struggles, too.
Oh, am I doing it again? I'm so sorry! Really! Truly! Don't be jealous. I promise that five minutes from now I'll probably be crying about something.
Okay. Okay! I'll be honest. It's not as easy as all that. I'm a basket case. A nervous wreck. This major life change is coming but I don't know when and where and I'm scared to be more than a few miles from the hospital. Every twinge and cramp sends a shot of adrenaline through me and I wonder IS THIS IT?!? Every night I dream about going into labor. Last night I dreamed I had to share a labor and delivery room (can you even imagine?!) with a couple who were naming their child Eric Santana.
Ok, I'll stop now. I have to go anyway. I have plans to stay up late and read.
(psssst. If you're in the mood for something serious and intense, I wrote a post for The Kindred Women yesterday. All about fear and anxiety, and I should probably go read what I wrote because I'm full of anxiety again.)