4.19.2015

3 weeks


I haven't left the house in over a week. There is a permanent butt imprint on the corner of our sectional from the little nest I've built over the past few weeks. I'm constantly surrounded by a mound of blankets, a fort of pillows, a barrel of burp rags, every remote we own, a coffee mug, my water cup from the hospital, my laptop, a gaggle of chargers, pain medicine, my glasses case, snacks and snack wrappers, nursing pads and nursing pad wrappers, creams and potions of the nursing-pain related variety, and my phone. Which I'm usually sitting on. And a baby thrown in there somewhere.

I vascillate between being the happiest and most fulfilled I've ever been to wanting to throw myself on the floor and scream. I swear I've needed my mom more now than I did when I was Gracie's age.

I look at pictures of her birth every day, and every single time they overwhelm me. I would never want to relive labor and delivery, but I will cherish and treasure those memories forever. Just don't make me do it again.

Our internet was down Friday afternoon. I repeat: I was home with a baby without internet. I am happy to announce that we all survived.

I have no concept of time. I was talking about nursing positions to James the other day and said "I haven't tried that one in a month." And then I realized the baby was only 2 and a half weeks old. I feel like she should be three years old by now.

Steak and Shake's vanilla milkshakes have been bringing me to the yard. I never really craved ice cream while pregnant, but I can't get enough of it now. But only late at night.

My milkshake brings all the Gracies to the yard. 

(I'm so sorry for that.) 

I love learning her silly quirks. Like how she sneezes twice and gets the hiccups whenever I burp her. And she occasionally sleeps with her fists in the air.

I have no shame. I frequently walk around with half my chest hanging out of my nursing bra. I was getting ready to feed Gracie on Friday night when the pizza delivery man showed up. I started walking toward the door until I realized I wasn't, um, fully dressed. James got the door instead, and I had to dive behind the couch and hide. Yesterday afternoon I started to walk out on the front porch that way until I saw my neighbors outside and was jolted back to reality. I've lost all self-awareness.

Every now and then we have these moments that are exactly what I imagined when I was pregnant. One morning I nursed her in bed while we listened to the Avett Brothers with the windows open and the rain falling outside. I thought about how I heard them for the first time the summer of 2008 on a first date, how my mom and I listened to them together on road trips, how they got me through college and the years after, how I saw them for the first time in NYC with Kelsey and Alissa, how I danced in the mud while they played at a music festival last spring, how I missed two concerts last summer due to morning sickness, and how I'm now nursing my baby girl to them. Life, man. And there have been the times I've fed her and rocked her while James played guitar, the early morning snuggles with coffee and open windows, and introducing her to my favorite music. And then there are the nights where we're both crying hysterically and James and I pass her back and forth like a hot potato. The nights where I find my sanity at the bottom of a bowl of ice cream and put the third load of laundry in because every outfit we've worn has been covered in all kinds of things that shouldn't cover your clothes.

All I want is for someone to bring me some blasted chocolate chip cookies. Let's call them lactation cookies so I can eat them guilt-free.

I'm still reveling in the complete lack of heartburn and sciatica. Once my chest stops hurting, I'll feel like I'm living a life of luxury over here. WHAT IS LIFE WITHOUT PAIN.

So dramatic, I know. Bravo is going to cast me for the Real Housewives of Columbus.

After her first feeding every morning, I lay her against my knees and bounce her while I drink some coffee. We listen to music, I sing to her, and we watch some tv. It's my favorite part of every day. And then she falls asleep and I take a shower which always feels like a vacation. Sometimes I get lucky, and my mom watches her so I have enough time to shave my legs. So fancy!

Whenever I manage to do a load of laundry, I feel like I can take over the world. Putting the laundry away is another matter completely and please don't ask me about it.  

Seriously though. Chocolate chip cookies. Please. Somebody.

I don't have enough brain power to read, and that makes me sad. I have, however, had Gilmore Girls and The Office rotating all day long since we finished Friends. I need all things funny and mindless to keep me going. Last night, the episode were Pam goes into labor came on, and every time she had a contraction I swear I could feel them all over again.

James has done so much to help me that I feel bad asking him to do me more favors, so I've had to get creative when I need a little help.

Now could one of you gently suggest he go get me donuts? Or cookies? Or both?

In case you were wondering, the pregnancy weight is just melting off.

14 comments:

  1. The "I haven't tried that in a month" part GOT ME SO GOOD. What is time? What is reality? You are existing in your own little universe inside of your apartment. I love it!!

    All of that Avett talk has ME emotional, I can't imagine how it makes you feel. Every time Gracie cries, just think of it as her practicing for her first REAL cry.... when she sees Seth's braids and polka dot shirt IRL.

    I have had your baby gift sliding around my backseat for ~2 weeks now. IT WILL GO OUT THIS WEEK. Now that it's in writing forever on the internet, I have to do it. Keep your eyes peeled! And make sure when you walk out to the mailbox to get it, you're not half-topless.

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  2. This both excites and terrifies me. But it's probably one of the most real posts I've read about what it's like right after baby. Thanks for perspective of good with bad. I'll join you in the chocolate err... lactation cookies party :)

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  3. I was just coming down from a P.S. I Love You induced sobbing session, and then I stumbled upon this post and can't catch by breath again. Remember Brooklyn? And that tiny hotel room, and pulling our outfits out of our bags and realizing they were almost identical? Remember Melt? RIP to the women we were before we stepped foot in that place.

    There will be more concerts, more dancing, more trips, and if all goes according to plan, more Melt. But until then, you're exactly where you need to be- half-shirtless and all.

    Oh, and I'll send you cookies.
    No, really, I will.

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  4. Aww she is so beautiful! All that HAIR! I miss those days...it's only been a year since my girl has been that little, but time just flies by so fast! (I know, people probably tell you that ALL the time, but it's so true!!). I swear I had (well, have, technically) more cravings while breastfeeding than I did when I was pregnant. Ice cream sounds good...I gotta go get me some now!

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  5. The fog....I remember that it exists, but since its been four years since I've been there, my memory' s faded. Someday she'll sleep for eight hours in a row and you will feel normal. Then she'll have a bad night, and you'll think,"What fresh he'll is this?".
    She's super cute, and they are all worth it!

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  6. What a beauty. Also, congratulations on pushing through what was the hardest part for me! That third week, man. It almost killed me! Now that Presley is eight weeks old, it feels like a lifetime ago!

    Also, I have no sense of time.

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  7. Yep. The newborn stage. Slowly but surely you get a rhythm, you figure things out, and suddenly you're actually out and about, and it just feels a bit easier. I think that first month went by in such a blur of activity. Some days I would look at the clock and it surprised me that it was already 4pm. Hadn't I just gotten up in the morning? Newborns, I'll tell ya.

    Now I have a three year old and it's that 4pm feeling all over again. Didn't I just have a baby?

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  8. This post takes me back to my first couple of months with Evelyn. I think we lived out of unfolded laundry baskets for a good 3 months, which actually may have been closer to 6 months. Eventually you will forget how terrible birth was & be blessed (aka dumb enough) to get pregnant again and then a 3rd time if you're really "blessed". Honestly I miss the infant stage sometimes, but then again my memories of it all seem kind of like a blur. Gracie is beautiful & you're doing an awesome job momma! If I could bring you chocolate chip cookies I totally would, you deserve them!

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  9. Ahh the newborn stage of life. It seems like everything fades together and you truly feel like all you do it exists on the couch feeding the baby. Amen to your husband for being so helpful. I love all the photos of your little lady. She is so cute and her hair. I can't get over it. Love!

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  10. I don't have a baby and I still feel like a superhero when I actually wash, dry, AND put away clothes. I'm thinking this does not bode well for future child-rearing.


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  11. my baby's head is currently digging into my abdomen with all the intensity of whatever little neck muscles he has. Loved your post. You are an amazing mom......I'm so thrilled for you.....that might sound weird but she's so adorable, how do you cope over her adorableness? I can't wait to have mine!!!! (okay I can wait a little bit...)

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  12. Oh my gooooosh. Hubs is angling for another and you're making me want to say yes. So precious. The newborn stage is... like nothing else. It's a furious mix of magical and insane. You captured it so well- and you're doing a great job.
    My daughter had hair just like Gracie's- thick, dark, and wired like an outlet. :)

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  13. You win for best post of the week. Scratch that, of the month. I am so proud of you! Dodging behind couches hiding your girls ;) haha! You're seriously an amazing momma. Now when somebody sends you those cookies, be sure to call. I'm hardly 2 hours away.

    PS she is absolutely beautiful. That second photo is my fav!!!

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