state of the motherhood address

Listen, I promise I will stop blathering on and on about my baby with the killer hair, but as I am couch bound 23 hours a day, I have nothing else to talk about at the moment. Someday soon I will go back to yakking your ears off about books and nothingness. Promise.

You guys, the fruit of my loins--my loin fruit, if you will--has survived on this planet for one month. One month! Only 17 years and 11 months to go! What's more important is that I have survived one month as a mother. IT IS SO DANG HARD WHY DID YOU NOT WARN ME. A friend from work beat in my head that I just needed to get through the first 4-6 weeks. Every time I saw her while we were making tea in the break room, we would chat and she would always end with "don't forget! Just survive the first 4-6 weeks! It will get better!" I GET IT NOW. The first 2-3 weeks almost killed me. I baby blues-ed so hard I wanted to run away. Honestly. I didn't think I was going to make it. I couldn't sit up due to the trauma from delivery, I wanted to hack my boobs off with a chainsaw (still do!), and I was so tired I couldn't spell my own name. Things have gotten so much better. I can say that because Gracie is crying at the moment, and James is the one dealing with it.

I have never loved James more. Watching him hold our baby while she smiles at him makes me want to dissolve into the couch. I love it. When she's fussy in the evenings, he straps on the Baby Bjorn and walks her around. He's forever refilling my water and grabbing me another nursing pad and making me food and staying up to rock her to sleep after I feed her.  He works a lot of 14 hour days which means I'm usually at the end of my rope every evening and occasionally crying louder than Gracie, but when he's here, it's so wonderful. Mainly because I can have 5 minutes to myself to go upstairs and lie down with the cat and remember what life was like a few short weeks ago.

I'm turning back into a human. Slowly! I feel like pieces of myself are starting to return. Gracie napped on my chest for two and a half hours the other morning while I finished a book. I'm reading again! I swear I could feel my brain smile; it felt so good to use it again. I made myself scrambled eggs and avocado and toast for breakfast this morning. A real breakfast! We've started taking her for walks in the stroller once the evening fussiness sets in. We walked for an hour the other night. Fresh air and a baby who wasn't crying. It was heaven. Gracie and I have gone out to lunch with my mom a few times. I'm working on becoming brave enough to take her out and about with me. So far, so good. Everywhere we went yesterday, people stopped us to tell us how adorable Gracie is. I beamed with pride. I worked on her for 9 months!

She's learned very important things during her 1 month of life, like diaper changes won't actually kill her, so screaming isn't necessary. We're still trying to teach her that baths aren't a sign of the end times, but no luck so far. She's obsessed with staring at ceiling fans and will occasionally scream until I let her look out the window. She's so curious, and I can already tell she wishes she could move herself around and talk to me. I can see the little wheels in her head turning all the time. I have a hunch this child is nothing like me and will be outgoing and talkative. Let's all start praying.

I've learned some very important things too, like when she's screaming and crying because it took me half a second too long to get ready to feed her, taking a video and sending it to James to remind him what he's missing at home is quite therapeutic. This video is also available for anyone currently struggling with baby fever.

I took Gracie to her one month check up this afternoon. I felt like a rockstar for taking her by myself. I plopped the carseat in the car, turned up some sweet jamz, threw my shades on, and off we went. I felt like mom of the year. But then we got there a few minutes late, so I burst through the front door, banged my diaper bag on the carseat as a I tried to maneuver my way to the front desk, and then bonked the carseat on a chair and dropped my sunglasses like HEY WHATS UP NEW MOM HERE. When I was scheduling her next appointment, the receptionist mentioned June 3rd, and I had to clamp my mouth shut from screaming THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LUKE AND LORELAI'S WEDDING DAY! It was at that moment I realized I needed to stop living deep in the land of Netflix and come back to reality.

I introduced Gracie to the library once she finished spitting up on me at the doctor's office. I didn't have the stroller with me, so I broke my arms lugging the carseat around. CARSEATS ARE REALLY HEAVY. I better have some gnarly biceps from all this schlepping. I walked out of the library with one arm full of carseat and the other full of books. It was a great visual of my current stage of life. Baby in one arm, a book in the other, and chocolate in my mouth.

I was going to take her on a walk, but she's finally sleeping. I'm going to go boogey down to the new Alabama Shakes album and do the dishes. Or the laundry. Or nap? I'll nap. 


  1. She is BEAUTIFUL. And loin fruit, awesome. We call our kiddos our sex trophies. Too much? ;)

  2. I think having a cat has definitely prepared you for motherhood. Baths = end times. Ceiling fans are fascinating. Mine also screams until I let him look out a window (because curtains are made of iron and steel apparently) and sometimes he sleeps on me while I watch Netflix, too.

    Can we talk about how friggin' cute baby ears are? So tiny. So crinkly.

  3. She does have killer hair! And I'm very impressed with you for taking her to the doctor all by yourself. At this point in my adult life I have yet to take myself to the doctor by myself...
    My mom says after the first 3 months it gets much easier....and then again after the first 3 years. There's all sorts of different time periods that moms recommend but the gist of it seems to be as they grow into little people they tend to be less overwhelming.
    I have total baby fever, since maybe February. My family thinks it's about damn time. haha!

  4. Will you please comb her hair over to make her look like baby Elvis? Belvis, if you will.

  5. I love that picture of the two of you- so sweet!! I'm still trying to figure out who she looks most like. Right now, the front runner is Bob Crawford, as genetically impossible as that may seem. You're doing such a wonderful job!!

    I've been meaning to ask you, how are Noel and Gracie getting along?!

  6. The picture of James and Gracie <33 Plz tell me what they were gabbing about! The weather? Last week's Mad Men?

    I held my nephew's car seat for ~2 minutes once and thought, "MY ARM IS GOING TO BREAK!" so no need to send me any videos- but, like, please do, because she's adorable and I'd like to see her in action.

    Also, I see that Kelsey shares my opinion re: Mr. Crawford.

  7. your pictures are beyond adorable, and your words are really encouraging :)

  8. her eyes! her hair! what a perfect little human! good work!

    - anna

  9. I may need those video reminders every once in awhile-- I'll keep you posted ;) She is absolutely perfect, you did a GREAT job working on her the last 9 months! You are a rockstar new mom, getting out and about all by yourself?! ROCK.ON.

  10. I am a new reader of yours and after this post, I fell in love with your writing style. I am nowhere near ready for my baby-making stage in life (someday though) but reading this was the first time I felt like I kind-of got a glimpse of what it would be like. Congrats on your lovely daughter!

  11. I'm so glad you're surviving! :) She really is the cutest baby ever. My cousin and her husband had their first baby a few months ago and on his first doctor visit they got him all bundled up and in the carseat and settled in the car and when they got to the doctor's office and the receptionist asked for their insurance card, my cousin realized she'd brought the baby and nothing else. No purse. No diaper bag. They had to borrow a diaper and call back later with their insurance information. So I'd say your doctor visit sounds like a great success! :)

  12. Well, if that isn't the cutest baby ever. Except my own? ;) I love her hair, because it reminds me of Penny as a baby. But goodness... you watch out. Baby hair gets complicated. Especially when they refuse hair bows and hair ties and hair brushes.... Maybe yours won't!

    But yeah... those first 4 weeks, those are the tough ones. I'm steeling myself for this next baby coming and the blur that goes along with it. Just survive! I'm glad you've made it this far!

  13. The hair! I can't get over the hair. And how did you manage to have a cute baby? Newborns are always so weird looking, yet Gracie is just so... non-alien seeming. Clearly you and James are genetically compatible or something. Our baby's probably going to look like Yoda.

    I'm glad you're coming out the other side of the crazy. I'm going to reference back to this when I'm losing my mind.


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