the newborn haze
When I was pregnant, I would've said pregnancy is the hardest thing I've ever done. On some level, that's still true.
Minutes after giving birth, I looked at my mom and said labor and delivery was the hardest thing I've ever done. On some level, that's still true too.
But breastfeeding? I think it's actually the hardest thing I've ever done. And the most painful. Who knew!
6 months ago, I would've drop-kicked myself at the thought of putting the word "breastfeeding" on my blog.
Ok, don't panic! I won't go into details. We're fine, we're doing it, but it is so hard and I've cried more these past 9 days than I did in 9 months. Maybe. But she surpassed her birth weight in a week, so something is working.
We're coming out of some dark days (48 hours with only 4ish hours of sleep. Jesus take the wheel), and I'm finally over the pain hump from delivery. Let's just say the Boppy has been zero help with breastfeeding, but it has saved my life whenever I need to sit up. I have dragged that thing EVERYWHERE (ok, only the doctor's office) and I have zero shame about sitting on it in public.
Our house is littered with burp cloths and nursing pads. Friends has been on 24/7 and makes us laugh whenever we want to cry. We've been either laying on the couch or in bed with the windows open and the rain falling outside.
Whenever I'm in another room, I'm convinced I can hear her crying the same way I always think my phone is vibrating.
She's squirming and waking up even though I fed her an hour ago. I think there's a growth spurt happening because she has superglued herself to me the last few days. A moment of silence for my chest, please.
This morning, in my state of delirium, I caught myself singing It's Raining Men while nursing her. I have no idea where it came from, but I immediately switched to a rousing rendition of Jesus Loves Me as soon as I noticed. We then listened to Edelweiss on youtube and I cried over the lyrics and the fact that I used to sing it to her while I was pregnant.
Postpartum recovery is not a joke. I got so desperate I sent James to buy me some Depends the day we got home from the hospital. That's right! You heard it here first. I could do absolutely nothing for myself for the first week due to the pain, so James has had to change Gracie's diaper and then help me change mine. We've put the "for better or for worse" part of our marriage vows to the test. Thankfully, he's wonderful. Also, witch hazel. It helps so much but I'm going to have PTSD from the smell.
We bought some Honest Company diapers, and I've been more excited over the fact that her diapers have bikes on them than the fact that I'm not resigned to maternity clothes anymore.
But really! I have a waist again! I forgot what it's like. I keep putting my hands on it and marveling. I still look a little pregnant, but I've never felt more like a supermodel. And I can BEND OVER. I miss having a built-in coffee table on my midsection, but fitting into my sweatpants again is worth it.
James is going back to work tomorrow, and I'm so scared I could vomit. I'm thinking of which outfits I can put her in to distract myself. But really, HOW DO I DO ANYTHING WITH A NEWBORN?! Now I understand why showering while you have a baby is a challenge.
Uh oh, I need to go change my diaper. I mean Gracie's diaper! I mean...nevermind.