5.18.2015

written under the influence of nsync

It's Monday.

It's raining outside and raining coffee drops inside. In my mouth.

Sorry, was that weird?

It's just that I don't talk to a lot of adults lately.

But if you need me to make up a song about the color of your shirt, I'm your girl.

Maybe a haiku? I don't know.

Give me another cup of coffee and I'll get you a limerick too.

Anyway, it's Monday. I'm at home recovering because we took on the very arduous task of taking a baby to church yesterday. We've tried the last couple of Sundays, but we never quite made it. But yesterday, we made it. We made it. We may have been twenty minutes late, but we were there. We go to a small church, and we walked in during a rather somber announcement. James was trying to hightail to a seat, and he drove the stroller right into a table causing the entire congregation to turn around and stare at us. I froze and probably wet my pants a little. I died of humiliation. I'm not actually blogging, my ghost is. Gracie later took advantage of a quiet moment to display her, uh, gastrointestinal distress? I came back to life just to die again. But of laughter this time.

I said I'm at home recovering like I'd be anywhere else. I QUIT MY JOB, REMEMBER?! So happy to be home, but also fantasizing about sitting in meetings, because right now that sounds like a cheap version of a beach vacation.

What? Babies are exhausting.

So anyway, we took the baby to church. She attracted a small crowd. I loved it. I had adult conversation. I loved it. If you're shy and/or struggle with small talk, have a baby. I'm serious! They're the perfect buffer, literally and figuratively. They're the perfect topic of conversation, and they're a literal buffer in that you can awkwardly push the stroller back and forth instead of wondering WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS THIS IS WEIRD. Whenever I feel awkward I'm like OH CRAP SHE SPIT UP AGAIN and then I dig a burp rag out and wipe her face down before they notice she never actually spit up and I'm just really uncomfortable. So yeah, I talked to strangers and acquaintances without wanting to vomit. Progress.

In other news, I'm feeling real stress about making sure Gracie wears all her outfits that currently fit before she grows out of them. REAL STRESS. It happens so fast! She has a better wardrobe than I do, and I'm not just saying that because 90% of her onesies and shirts involve cats.

Ok well maybe I am.



It's just that she looks so purrrfect in them.

Sorry. That pun was physically painful, wasn't it?

I'm not even kitten right meow.

Ugh, myself.

In more other news, I need to paint my toenails again.

I'm sorry for telling you that.

If I could, I would push the stroller back and forth right now to cope with that awkward moment. Good thing this isn't in person and I'm on the couch...NOT wearing my maternity leggings.

Or am I?

You'll never know.

Yes you will.

I'm wearing them.

I'm leaving now. I'm against some deadlines right now...

...at the library.

I know. But at least I made myself sound important for a minute?

Hello?

I don't know. The caffeine is wearing off. And the baby is crying.

Maybe we'll chat again?

19 comments:

  1. i love you just so much.

    and your baby is darling.

    thank you for writing and sharing your life with us internet people (meant in a totally not creepy stalker kind of way)
    (okay sometimes I do stalk you on twitter. but only because I am bored and my baby won't stop doing flips)

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  2. I am loving reading your blog posts right now, because I had a little boy a few days before you and I can completely relate to all your funny stories! I read your posts out loud to my husband and we laugh together and are often found saying "SO TRUE" to what you write.

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  3. How does it feel to be back on real coffee? Sometimes I have fantasies about going back on caffeine and they're magical.

    Baby clothes are great because babies are like living breathing dolls whose wardrobes we get to live vicariously through. I can't wait. Also, I'm totally jealous of Gracie's pretty headbands. I just look stupid in those.

    P.S. Those pictures. That rug (we have it in black! Rug twinsies! I need more sleep) and those facial expressions. Pretty sure if my uterus wasn't full to bursting already it would be asking to be.

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  4. How does it feel to be back on real coffee? Sometimes I have fantasies about going back on caffeine and they're magical.

    Baby clothes are great because babies are like living breathing dolls whose wardrobes we get to live vicariously through. I can't wait. Also, I'm totally jealous of Gracie's pretty headbands. I just look stupid in those.

    P.S. Those pictures. That rug (we have it in black! Rug twinsies! I need more sleep) and those facial expressions. Pretty sure if my uterus wasn't full to bursting already it would be asking to be.

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  5. How does it feel to be back on real coffee? Sometimes I have fantasies about going back on caffeine and they're magical.

    Baby clothes are great because babies are like living breathing dolls whose wardrobes we get to live vicariously through. I can't wait. Also, I'm totally jealous of Gracie's pretty headbands. I just look stupid in those.

    P.S. Those pictures. That rug (we have it in black! Rug twinsies! I need more sleep) and those facial expressions. Pretty sure if my uterus wasn't full to bursting already it would be asking to be.

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  6. I truly can't get over those pictures of Gracie. I honest to god SQUEALED when you posted it on Instagram the other day. You're right, though, a baby is the perfect thing to have on hand in an awkward small talk situation, because if you need to make a quick exit you can ALWAYS blame it on them!! Can I borrow her next time I have to go to a social event? Or like, can I just borrow her, period? THANKS IN ADVANCE.

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  7. She's so cute, *I* might spit up over it. Also, I have a great vision of James walking the stroller into a table, and it's causing a major case of the giggles.

    I have, on average, 2 meetings a day. If you ever want to switch places, I'd gladly take Gracie for a few hours while you day dream in one of the conference rooms here!

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  8. Hahaha! :) You keep pushing that stroller back and forth, I'll be over with more coffee soon and then I DEMAND a limerick, thank you! ;) Those pictures of her are too precious- I love her hair so much!

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  9. I think we would be great friends ;) I get so awkward with small talk when I run out of things to say and just wish I had a stroller to sway back and forth...except, I don't have an adorable baby girl like you do... so it may not be acceptable ;) ANYWAY. Your little girl is seriously the most adorable ever!!!! I love that meow-tfit ...see what I did there?

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  10. There are many outfits my kid hasn't worn because she grew too fast. Sigh. Nowadays she refuses to wear things that aren't pink or purple or sparkly...

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  11. I saw a lady at the grocery store the other day with a little dog in a stroller. Maybe that's why she had it.

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  12. I had such fear that Sesame would outgrow all her outfits before she wore them that occasionally she wore two outfits in one day even if the first wasn't dirty. I took pictures of every single outfit. Turns out she wore newborn clothes until she was five months old and she still fits into some of the shirts she wore 10 months ago. (Side note: I'd like the clothes manufactures to get together and decide on a CONSTISTANT sizing chart. Why does my child wear 9-12 month shirts in some brands and 3-6 in others?! IT DRIVES ME NUTS. Thank you for listening.)

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  13. I spent last night pulling out the next phase of Presley's clothes -- all of the 3-6 months clothes. These little things called babies really do grow so quickly!

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  14. oh my gah she is SO CUTE!

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  15. by the way the people want to know... WHICH NSYNC SONG? There's a big difference between, say, Tearin Up My Heart and, like, Digital Getdown.

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  16. So, this is belated, but I read this when you first posted it and was cracking up at your bit about what to do with your hands. Because seriously. I end up twirling my hair or something, but having a baby/stroller is going to be genius. Also... your cat puns were terrible and awesome. And your baby is cute. The end.

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  17. I can't wait to have a baby buffer! Plus a baby gives you the best excuses to get out of awkward conversations and retreat to your car, house or a bathroom stall.

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  18. Really, you crack me up every time. So many things about this post: first, the puns. Stop. But don't stop. Church? Yes. I have basically resigned myself to the fact that we will be 15 minutes late for the next two years, but it doesn't matter so much because we are back-row-sitters now. However, it will never remove the fact that I live in constant fear that she will pick a quiet moment to demonstrate her gastrointestinal distress, as you call it (or, "an unfortunate release" as my husband calls it..........). And also, the small talk! You are so correct. Babies solve all the problems! Well, maybe not all of them.

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  19. Oh! And your baby!!! Truly, she is so stinking cute.

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