6.17.2015

taking a baby to work


"Guess how many people I spit up on today!"
Yesterday I took Gracie to work to show her off to my former coworkers. I've been putting this trip off for weeks. I knew I needed to hand in my things in to HR, and officially closing this chapter of my life feels a little bittersweet. I wasn't quite ready. I wouldn't trade being home with Gracie for anything, but I really liked that job (most of the time), and I liked my coworkers (most of the time).

But yesterday, I pulled up my big girl non-maternity (!) jeans, put a bow in Gracie's hair, and I did it. I walked back to my old desk to find that all my things had been cleared off and someone else was sitting there. THE UTTER BETRAYAL. We parted ways mere weeks ago, and yet my swivel chair had already claimed someone else's hips to torture. My friend handed me a folder of my things, including but not limited to: pictures of my cat, a fake autographed picture of Benedict Cumberbatch, and a poem I wrote about goats.

As you can see, I was a very hard-working, dedicated employee, and they are very sad to see me go.

A small crowd started to form once people caught sight of The Hair, and I held Gracie up above the maze of cubes, Simba on Pride Rock style, and introduced her to everyone as the reason I cried and threw up for nine months. Right on cue, Gracie spewed like Old Faithful. She covered herself and my arms in spit up to an audience of 20. She kept the pattern up and only spit up whenever I introduced her to someone, saving the best job for my boss. I took her to James' office last week, and she did the exact same thing. We walked out of both offices reeking of nervous sweat and sour milk.

I walked around the whole building, one arm full of baby and the other full of burp rags and chatted up all my old friends. I fended off several questions of "when do you think you'll have your next baby?" with a swift GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN. I attempted to delicately balance commiserating with other moms on the horrors of birth and recovery while also trying to downplay the dramatics to my very pregnant friends who were hanging on every word. I said a heartfelt goodbye to the floor underneath my desk where I took more than one nausea-induced siesta. I thought about showing Gracie the stall in the bathroom where she forced me to spend many a work day, but I stopped myself. I handed my badge and parking permit to the girl from HR while Gracie did one more puke job on my friend, and then we walked out the doors I hadn't been through since I was 9 months pregnant.

And then I came home, put on my pajamas, ate some cookies, and called it my retirement party.

11 comments:

  1. yesterday was my first day being 9 months pregnant. I'm a whale. Whee!

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  2. haha oh man, Joey has a way of spiting up on new people too - or getting SUPER cranky because mr. no-naps suddenly decides oh hey, he does want a nap! lol

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  3. I think I'm going to make little cards for my pregnant friends that say "Just f*** off." that they can hand out to people who ask them when they're having the next baby. I chewed out so many people. The worst was a man in my Sunday school class whom I have SO much respect for, but dude. Do not ask a new mother when she's having another one.

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  4. OH MY GOSH, the things left at your desk just make me laugh out loud!!! Literal LOLz in Mechanicville tonight.

    I'm so glad you got to bring Gracie back to your old stomping grounds-- and tell her it's alright-- I want to spit up sometimes at the thought/sight of work, too. It's much less cute when I do it, though.

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  5. omg how is she real??? Her hair!! Her smile! In my head she sounds like Uncle Jesse whenever anyone goes in to touch her hair.

    Please come back to the maternity pant club. I might wear mine forever and I can't be all alone...

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  6. Also, I wish Gracie and Presley could have play dates -- which actually means "mommies get to hang out!"

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  7. You are the most hilarious writer ever. the end. ps- i love it!

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  8. Now you have me thinking about what would be in my folder if I left here- and it would be: 1 picture of my nephew, 2 pictures of The Avett Brothers, and a Taylor Swift "All Too Well" meme. If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know about me, I don't know what does...

    PLEASE BRING GRACIE TO MY OFFICE FOR A VISIT, THANK YOU.

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  9. lovely blog, nice Sunday!

    http://itsmetijana.blogspot.com/

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  10. Oh man. At least a spitting up baby is better/cuter than a hangry baby. And now Gracie has followed in your footsteps of being sick at work. You must be so proud. Did she spit up on Fob? Please say yes.

    A well deserved retirement party indeed.

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