8.18.2015

babywearing is not one of my spiritual gifts

I have to start this off by saying that I find the term "babywearing" annoying. Your baby is not a t-shirt! But I have no idea what else to call it other than carrying a baby in a baby carrier, and that's a mouthful, so I cave.

I've mentioned it before, but a babywearer I am not. At the risk of having my mom-card revoked, I have to say that I don't understand the appeal whatsoever. Having a baby strapped to me immediately transports me to my ninth month of pregnancy where I was top-heavy, my back screamed, and I sweat and cried a lot. Not to mention, PERSONAL BUBBLE. I love my baby, but the last thing I want to do in the dead of summer is strap her to me.

Yesterday I had to get the mail. The mailbox is a bit of a hike, and it was too much work to carry the baby in my arms, open the mailbox, and then carry the mail and the baby back home, especially since I was expecting a package. The stroller was in the car, so I grabbed the Baby Bjorn, forever giving it extra chances to woo me back into its good graces. I want to be the kind of girl who gleefully rolls around in her collection of wraps and carriers. I do! But the more I try, the more I want to write sonnets to the stroller.

I digress.

I put the Baby Bjorn on. To this day, it still confuses me. I can never get the straps adjusted just right and something is always too tight or too loose. I grabbed Gracie and got her situated. I squeezed and pulled and tugged and held my breath in an attempt to get everything buckled and buttoned and snapped. I did it. It was so tight I could barely breathe, but I did it. I grabbed the keys and walked out the door, feeling like I had just entered my 6th trimester of pregnancy. The second the door closed behind me, the heavens opened and the rain came pouring down. I thought about going back inside to grab the umbrella until I remembered it was in the car with the stroller. Of course it is! We walked around the front porch for a few minutes waiting for the rain to stop. It finally did, so I started walking toward the mailbox until it suddenly started pouring again, causing me to run back inside.

I unhooked one of the top hooks/snaps/whatchamacallits and tried to unhook the bottom, but to no avail. It was completely jammed. I tried to unfasten the side, but it was jammed too. I had to try to wiggle her free from her cotton-poly blend swaddle while she fussed. The Bjorn finally released her but kept her pants captive.

I sat her down while she started crying since she was tired and had essentially relived her birth while breaking free from the carrier. I got the side sliding-hooking-buttoning-snapping-gizmo free, but I still couldn't get it off because the bottom button was still jammed and pinching my baby weight so I could barely breathe.

I heaved, I pulled, I gasped, I yanked, I tugged. Nothing worked. The baby continued to cry. I was going to die of strangulation. I had visions of calling 911 so they could send the fire department with the jaws of life to break me free. I was afraid I would have to go through the rest of my life with the carcass of a baby carrier forever hanging from my midsection.

Finally, with a scream and all my strength, I broke free from the prison of the Baby Bjorn. It felt a lot like birth. I was sweating, out of breath, exhausted, in pain, and the baby was crying. I kicked the Baby Bjorn over to the corner, its rightful spot, and picked Gracie up.

Then I looked out the window and saw that it had stopped raining.

15 comments:

  1. Thanks for the laugh this morning! I needed it. (Glad you & G survived the trauma)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I saw a mother wearing her child the other day at Target. I kid you not, the child had to be nearly two years old. He was sitting on her hip, and she had a wrap around her back and her shoulder, and the kid was being held against her side. Like-- what? How is that comfortable for anyone involved? Bless you for even trying.

    Also, my vote is to call it "bjorning". Pronounced "byorn-ing". Spread the word.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hehe. I love baby wearing! I have a kid who hates to be away from me so to get things done it helps so much. It's not for everyone through some babies hate it and some moms hate it too. I haven't even bought a stroller yet hah. Just one of those parenting things that people think matter but doesn't. Rather you baby wear or stroller or whatever it's all good :P

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have to admit, the idea of carrying my future child(ren) in one of those wrap things does appeal to me, simply because if you have a baby that doesn't like to be put down, you can still have both hands free to do housework and what not. But those Baby Bjorns and other backpack-esque carriers only look convenient if you need to carry your baby hands-free for an extended period of time - like on a hike or something where you can't take a stroller.

    Also, "babywearing" is the worst term ever. Even worse, "I wore my baby." Did you tie a rope around him/her and put him on like a pendant necklace? Strap him to your wrist like a watch? Tie her in your hair like a headband? Yuck.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hahah!! Oh my word...you poor thing. Sounds a lot like my luck. Your comments about her reliving her own birth are cracking me up! ;) did you ever get the mail? HA!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Babywearers make my anxiety go THROUGH THE ROOF. But also I carried my nephew a looong distance one day last week, with my arms, (because his grandmother forgot a stroller for him) and I was sore for 3 days. Maybe one builds up that sorta mom strength?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hahaha. My daughter hated being worn, but my son loves it, thank the heavens, because he HAS to be worn. It's just a necessity when you're chasing around the first one. And to risk sounding like one of THOSE baby wearers, the Bjorn is probably one of the worst carriers you could have. Get something comfortable like an Ergo or Tula, and you'll see the difference.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is hilarious. I get clostrophobic so easily, sounds like a nightmare. I will add to Chantal's advice, though, and say, at the risk of being "one of THOSE people," the Bjorn is horrible. You can find used, perfectly good Ergos for $40-70 on craigslist or fb buy/sell/trade groups. When worn correctly, we're both comfortable for 1 or 2 hours. Babywearing is essential to my sanity and coping, but it's not for everyone, obviously.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh my gosh, I'm laughing so hard at all of this- Thank you for letting us in on this small scenario of your life. And for the 982734th time- write a book.

    ReplyDelete
  10. There is something about those carriers that makes you feel like part of a practical joke. I always kind of panic when she starts fussing and I know I need to unwrap ten layers of the damn thing to get to her.

    ReplyDelete
  11. DUDE. Baby Bjorn is the worst and is insanely uncomfortable. Try an ergo or boba. I promise you. You'll never pick up the bjorn again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just got an Ergo. It's a little more comfortable but I'm still not convinced, and neither is G. She cried the first few times she was in it. Hopefully we just need a little more practice!

      Delete
  12. I'm not sure that I could live without my Boba. My child weighs 27 pounds, just turned two, and I can carry her for like .3 second before my hip wants to DIE. I didn't think I'd be using a carrier this long, but we are both really happy with it. Having a comfy one is key. Strap her on me like a backpack and we are ready to roll. That said, I freaking love my stroller too and you don't lose your mom card just because of a personal preference!

    ReplyDelete

Talk to me! If your email is linked to your account, I'll respond to you via email. If not, I'll respond to you right here.