12.29.2015

my new year's resolution is to keep being afraid




Christmas came and went, and it was so much better than I expected. My mom finished Gracie's stocking in the (saint) nick of time. It's beyond anything I could have ever imagined, and it's HUGE. So much bigger than we were expecting. It's now my responsibility to fill that monster, which is both exciting and stressful. I've already put in my order for one next year. I love my stocking, but the 80s teddy bears and candy canes have done their job.

I think I've decided that Christmas Eve is my favorite. The anticipation! The build-up! WHERE IS SANTA RIGHT NOW AND WHAT IS HE DOING? Gracie ate half my dinner and then had a fit of giggles at the dinner table. She uncharacteristically woke up crying after the adults finished watching Christmas Vacation, and I rocked her back to sleep while telling her about the first Christmas and singing Christmas hymns. I then slept three hours. I would like to say it's because I was excited about Santa, but really this postpartum insomnia is trying to kill me. Gracie played with her toys Christmas morning and took the bows off all my presents. We ate heaps of food and watched movies and I wore reindeer sweater leggings. The day after Christmas, my parents babysat Gracie for a couple hours, so I met up with one of my best friends who was in town and ran into a handful of old friends I haven't seen in awhile. It was so fun and put me in the best mood.

Too bad it didn't last.

Listen, I've been nothing but crystal clear about my hatred of doctor appointments. Taking your own child is 127% worse than any appointment of your own could ever be. I would rather visit my OBGYN every day for a week than watch my baby get shots. Gracie had her 9 month appointment today and I've been on pins and needles for days, even though I thought everything would be just fine. I knew she had to get a shot, and ever since her scary reaction to her 4 month shots, I've been so nervous before each appointment I nearly make myself sick. Today was no different. I left the house early to grab some liquid courage (a vanilla latte) on the way. We got to the doctor's office, which is always a sauna inside to accommodate the little diaper-clad newborns. The NP we've always seen and have always liked checked Gracie over and declared everything to be fine except her milestones. She's right where she should be, but a little bit of a slow mover. She prefers to stay close to her mama and I can't say that I hate it (except sometimes I do). She says words and claps and points and high-fives and is the happiest little cherub who can entertain herself for hours. According to Dr. Google and another pediatrician, she is technically not behind on anything and doing just fine, but the NP would not listen to me and my thoughts on why she isn't running through the streets at exactly 9 months old and declared something to be wrong. He referred us to the special needs doctor in the office. The doctor, I was told at Gracie's first appointment, we would never meet unless something was very wrong with our child. I instantly burst into tears. There is no one more prone to worry and anxiety than I am, and I have been at complete peace with her milestones. She is the prime example of a child who does something only when she wants and never before, regardless of ability or age or time. Basically, it's clear she's my daughter, as I am the exact same way and fight those tendencies constantly. But it was nonetheless horrible to hear a medical professional tell me he thinks something could be wrong.

As this was happening, my mom texted me that my precious great aunt who I love dearly, has taken a sudden turn and will probably not make it through the day. Gracie was still screaming from a stranger touching her and I was crying over the NP's assessment and my aunt when the medical assistant came in to give Gracie her shot. She was reaching for the syringe when I glanced at a paper on the exam table listing the wrong vaccine. THE WRONG VACCINE. THE. WRONG. SHOT. I jumped into action, screamed, waved, and shut the dang operation down. The poor assistant panicked and ran out the door to find the source of the error. The Nurse Practitioner, my best friend, had accidentally listed the wrong shot. By some miracle I still had enough wits about me to catch it just in time. She came back with the correct vaccine, inspected and verified by yours truly. In that one moment I think I completely changed my views on vaccines. I don't think I need to tell you that we will be switching doctors immediately.

Unfortunately, I have three doctors appointments next week. THREE. Two on the same day! This is what happens when you put them off for a year and then have to schedule them all while your husband is off. After Gracie's appointment, I can't wait to hear the bad news I'm going to get. Maybe the dentist will tell me my lungs are failing? For obvious reasons, I'm just hoping there won't be any shots.

19 comments:

  1. Man, after all that I wish I could hug you. <3
    I hope you find a great doctor for her and that your appointments go well.
    I scheduled my annual exam after my exam last year, but recently realized it's for when Quinn's in school so mine's rescheduled for April. Blah.

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  2. You poor thing!!! THE WRONG SHOT?! Traumatizing. I feel you're pain. I cried for three nights before Ben got his last ones and he's getting one tomorrow :( it's so hard because I agonized over the decision to vaccinate and every time we go I wonder if we made the right call. Ugh. Praying you find a doctor who's a good fit and for you're peace of mind about Gracie. You're her mamma and you know her better than anyone. I'm a worry wort too and run to dr Google too much too but try not to worry ( I say this after writing down my list of things to ask the doc tomorrow) ;) Claim that peace that passes understanding girl and I will too!

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    1. The wrong shot! I understand human error and all that, but this can't be messed up! We agonized over vaccines too. After lots of talking and praying we both strongly feel it's what is best for her, but that doesn't mean I don't worry about it every time.

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  3. Oh my goodness, that is ridiculous that they would so carelessly give your daughter the wrong shot. I'm so glad you caught that!! I'm so sorry they scared you half to death. I will be praying for you and Gracie. God's got her, and you:) xoxo

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  4. Teddy bear stocking! Mine was a dog and I was so excited when I discovered Karl had a teddy bear one to match. Children of the eighties untie. Except we don't use them anymore because mature now or something, but I'm totally knitting some for next year. And Parker used Karl's old stocking this year.

    What was the scary reaction? My worst case scenario mom brain is so curious.

    It sounds like Parker and Gracie are twins. Judging by her pictures, though, she's been doing stuff faster than he did. He's 7 months and still not quite sitting up on his own, but I'm pretty sure it's okay. He's just lazy. At our mom group all the other kids his age are doing more than him, and he's just content to lay on the floor and hit himself in the face with his rattle. One mom judged him the other day, but I'm not worried. I'm clearly a medical professional, but as far as I can tell Gracie is fine. Kids just do things at their own pace. I'll keep you guys in our prayers, though.

    Sorry for the novel.

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  5. Teddy bear stocking! Mine was a dog and I was so excited when I discovered Karl had a teddy bear one to match. Children of the eighties untie. Except we don't use them anymore because mature now or something, but I'm totally knitting some for next year. And Parker used Karl's old stocking this year.

    What was the scary reaction? My worst case scenario mom brain is so curious.

    It sounds like Parker and Gracie are twins. Judging by her pictures, though, she's been doing stuff faster than he did. He's 7 months and still not quite sitting up on his own, but I'm pretty sure it's okay. He's just lazy. At our mom group all the other kids his age are doing more than him, and he's just content to lay on the floor and hit himself in the face with his rattle. One mom judged him the other day, but I'm not worried. I'm clearly a medical professional, but as far as I can tell Gracie is fine. Kids just do things at their own pace. I'll keep you guys in our prayers, though.

    Sorry for the novel.

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  6. THE WRONG SHOT?! Oh my gosh. Poor babies!! (you and Gracie) That is so careless and you're so freaking rad for catching it before it was to late!

    I love your family photo up there and I especially love that scarf!!!

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    1. You know who didn't catch something before it was too late? ME, for not realizing I said 'TO' instead of 'TOO' up there. I'M ASHAMED.

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  7. Holy cow.... the wrong shot?? Geez. That would be so traumatizing. I'm so sorry about your Dr. appointment and your aunt and all the craziness in your life.

    If it's any consultation my niece is turning 1 on Jan. 18th and she just started crawling last month and finally pulls herself into a standing position- and no one is concerned. From one non-doctor blogger to another, I think Gracie is just perfect.

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  8. ugh. referring babies to special needs doctors for being "slow" on milestones is the silliest thing in the world. babies are different, just like all of us. we had a situation where a PA misdiagnosed eczema as a fungus, and made our poor baby's dry skin and rash flare up, (so not as serious as the wrong vaccine!!) and I decided then and there that I was only seeing physicians from then on, either pediatricians or family practice doctors. I'm happy you're moving!

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    1. I completely agree. My husband and I immediately agreed it's a physician only after this. I figured seeing an NP wouldn't matter for a basic well-check, but after this I've changed my mind.

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  9. That does not sound like a good office :/ What sort of reaction did she have? We don't vaccinate, but if we ever did, I'd be all sorts of anxious about reactions! I know so many stories.

    And my daughter was barely crawling at 9 months... and by 11 months, she was running. Kids move eventually.

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  10. I adore the way Gracie is snuggling with James! You guys are so cute.

    I might need your mom to make AB a stocking for next year. I've sewn her two stockings in the last two years and neither has turned out well. I'm ready to hang up my stocking sewing hat.

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  11. I am sorry you had such a bad visit!!!

    At our 15 month check up the Doctor was all concerned because Elle is not forming full sentences and doesn't care to use a sip cup. She said we would have to start talking "developmental issues" if this doesn't change in the next couple months... I walked out of that appointment and called anyone who would listen so I could vent. So long story short, I feel ya!!

    Elle didn't crawl until she was 9 months old and didn't bother to walk til after her first birthday. Like your Gracie, she wanted to do things on her time. I am completely okay with it, why is everyone in a mad rush for these babies to grow up? Before we know it they will be all grown up, let them be little!!! Im with ya girl!!!

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    1. Oh good grief! I'm all about trusting doctors, but I think some can't see past the end of their charts and timetables. Gracie refuses to use a sippy cup too, and that's another thing they got on me about. I just rolled my eyes.

      YES! Let them be little babies! It's just absurd to me that someone could look at her and see everything she does and think something's wrong. She'll take on the world when she's ready. I'm glad she wants to stick close to me for now.

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  12. Dear Michelle I love your blog I love your honesty. I love you!! Even if we are different and I know we are and hey it's okay. I also hate doctors and in one week had Reuben's 4 month check up and he was referred to a specialist about his nose and I cried. He has had a stuffy nose since birth. At his appointment they looked him over and said something was wrong and wanted to give him steroids and stick a camera up his nose. I told them we will be back when he is older if he still has issues and we will try ciroprator first. Steroids? He's 4 months old. Also we do not vaccinate. I had seizures and I just can't justify giving my kid something that may have (some don't I know) aborted fetal cells as I am a firm believer that abortion is wrong. But hey evey mom must make their own choice for their own kid. I had meesles chicken pox and whooping cough (that one a few times) as a kid and I was vaccinated at the age of 7, fully.

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  13. I took my niece to her 3 month check up and when she got her shots I couldn't even watch. And she's not even my child! It was so upsetting! And I didn't even think to check what they were actually giving her!!! Rookie aunt mistake. I'll be more prepared when my own kids come along! :)

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  14. That is so scary! You keep on worrying, and you keep on checking everything. When one of my little sisters was hospitalized her, nurses came in with the wrong medicine to put in the little girl's IV, and only my mom's checking that stopped them--it was another patients' medicine entirely. Nurses and doctors lives are crazy--I'd rather check everything than just 'trust'. Here, they give vaccinations, and a couple more than they do in the USA, like Tuberculosis--I think vaccines are even more needed here because a lot of those diseases aren't eradicated in this region, but I do like the fact that they give shots on a very slow schedule and only ever one shot at a visit.
    Speaking of living in fear, I thought I Was just being a worrywart when I decided to open up my passport and check to make sure the immigration official gave me the right entry stamp when I got back in country yesterday--imagine my surprise when I discovered he'd stamped me in with a 90 day tourist visa instead of an entry stamp according to my 2-year resident visa. I could have gotten into BIG trouble with immigration if I'd overstayed a tourist visa I didn't need anyways--I'm really glad I was in worrywart mode. No harm in just checking to make sure other people are doing their jobs properly.

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  15. I'm so sorry about your experience. Though I'm not a mother, I do know that there is nothing like a mother's intuition. Doctors are people, too, after all (despite how much some may think of themselves) and there's nothing wrong with not agreeing with them from time to time especially about your small human who you see every day. The opinions I have on vaccines I'll keep to myself but I'll just say I agree with your point of view and definitely do not look forward to the day where I'll have a small human of my own to make that decision for.

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