1.05.2016

onward



I usually get a bit twitchy and panicky as the ball drops every New Years Eve. Time is moving so fast! Nostalgia! I'm not ready to let go! For the first time in my life, as I gripped my mug of peppermint tea and watched the year change to 2016, I felt nothing but sweet, blessed relief.

2015 began with a 2 week long bout with the flu and ended with my aunt's death. Everything else in-between was just about as difficult. Maybe I'm not allowed to say that it was a terrible year because it was the year I became a mother, but it was a terrible year. It was hard. It was character-defining, to put it mildly. I feel like a survivor for getting through it. I faced one of my biggest fears and actually gave birth. I know I obviously didn't have a choice in the matter and thousands of women do it every day, but I gave birth. It was a triumph. I endured and pushed through pain I didn't think I could physically withstand, and I am not the same person I was before Gracie was born. I endured the never-ending recovery from birth, I battled terrifying postpartum depression, I made it through two months of excruciating nursing pain and difficulties, I quit the job I loved, I took my 5 month old daughter across the country to meet her great-grandmother who was unexpectedly diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, I survived 14 hour days alone with a baby on no sleep. I did the damn thing. I got through it. We've made it to the other side. I did things I did not think I was capable of, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I survived it, it's over, and I'm so glad. I'm grateful for the strength I now have that was born from those hardships, but I'm so glad I'm no longer under the yoke of 2015.

I'm under no illusions that 2016 will be magically easier. Nothing in my life actually changed except the date on the calendar, but something changed the minute the clock hit midnight. It felt like the burden of the entire year was lifted. I feel so much lighter, more steadfast. It's over. I know there will be hard days this year. I mean, I have a dentist appointment tomorrow! Clearly hardships are staring me in the face. But last year's pain is over. It's done. Things haven't changed, and yet they have. It's a new year, and I am stronger than I was last year. A lot of things will change this year: my baby will turn into a toddler, we'll most likely be living somewhere else by summer, I'll make new friends. I'm excited to watch my baby grow, to read new books, to fall in love with new music, to keep working on my skills in the kitchen, to work on knitting, to continue eating well, to keep writing, to just keep going forward. I have never been so ready to keep moving forward.

14 comments:

  1. Happy New Year to you and your family. I hope 2016 holds wonderful things for you guys!

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  2. 2015 was tough, I'll agree, even though some great things came out of it. Here's to a new year, literally and figuratively. Onward indeed!

    I want to live somewhere new by this summer tooooooo...haha.

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  3. "Nothing in my life actually changed except the date on the calendar, but something changed the minute the clock hit midnight." I GOT CHILLS.

    2015 surely had a few bright spots for you- but there's nothing wrong with looking forward. Happy 2016, my friend! Miss you dearly!! xoxo

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  4. YES, YES, YES. Keep moving forward. I love this.

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  5. I feel the same way about giving birth and postpartum. its like you took the words right out of my mouth!

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  6. you should make the new place that you're living be in Utah. You won't regret it. ;)

    and you are a champion, and my legit inspiration. I look up to you so much. 2016 will be great, I just know it. <3

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  7. happy new year! everything does keep moving forward, and even with the downs, I hope the overwhelming feeling of 2016 will be that it was good.

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    1. I agree! I have no doubt it will be a good year.

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  8. I feel you need to fist bump to the end of 2015. I'm sorry it was so crummy, and I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt passing away. Here's to no one dying or coming out of your body in 2016! You've got this.

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  9. 2015 was a dang hard year, no joke. But seriously, you rocked it. You are such an awesome mom, and you have such a cute little baby. 2016 better be much nicer to you than 2015 was.

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  10. Amen! And way to go! So long 2015, you will always be in my heart as one of the best and hardest years of my life. I love the last lines of this. They're so empowering! I'm so excited for all of those things too.

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