9.13.2016

don't cry over spilled raspberry sparkling water

Recounting my stories to a friend who understands.



My life lately has felt like a comedy of errors.

You know those horror stories we've all heard of toddlers who take their diapers off in the crib and the horribleness that ensues? Well. We woke up to that literally crappy scenario Thursday morning, and then we had to change the crib sheets and Gracie's pajamas late Saturday night. There is no article of clothing that kid can't maneuver out of in two seconds flat. A mom friend of mine suggested safety pins, and I was certain that would be the answer to our problems. We safety pinned the zipper to her pajamas, certain our troubles were over. I checked on her a few hours later and found her pajamas on the floor, along with my jaw. The next night, we used two safety pins. Once again, she unfastened them both. I shouldn't be surprised. This is the kid who managed to take off an entire outfit while buckled into her carseat. Out of desperation, we duct taped her diaper. If you have any better ideas, I am all ears. During the day, I have the opposite problem. She lives to rifle through laundry baskets and put on every article of clothing she can find. This morning, I ran out of the shower in a panic when I heard her screaming, and found that she had put a too-small shirt on and was struggling to get it over her head and take it off. 

As you can see, life with Gracie is anything but boring. I've been craving no bake cookies for a month, so I made some last week. I hadn't had them since high school. My high school cafeteria used to have giant no bake cookies for sale, and I would buy them a few times a month whenever I had a little extra lunch money. James and I devoured the cookies, yet my craving had yet to be fully satiated. So I made more, naturally. While I was standing over a hot stove, Gracie was smacking my legs with a book, desperate for me to read to her even though reading is 90% of our day, and she let out a scream so shrill that startled me so much I dumped the sugar on the floor. She did it again as I was measuring oats, and I wound up dumping half the container of oats in the pot. At one point, she grabbed onto my shorts to pull herself up, but instead of pulling herself up, she pulled my shorts down. After spooning the cookies onto a cookie sheet, I stuck it in the fridge to set. Gracie tried to shut the fridge door while I was getting the pan situated, knocking over a full, open can of sparkling water that spilled everywhere. Next time, I'll wait till naptime to bake. Speaking of naptime, convincing G that her nap was non-negotiable was not fun. I went upstairs to calm her down, and as I held her, she wormed out of my arms and made a beeline toward her bookshelf. I can't pretend like I don't understand the desire to read instead of sleep. 

We were both in tears 45 minutes later, but she eventually went to sleep, and I went downstairs determined to recharge and have a relaxing 2 hours. I went to light my new pumpkin candle. I realized a few weeks ago that I must've burned through all my fall candles last year, and panic ensued. Buying new candles is all I've talked about for weeks. It can't be fall until my house smells like a cider mill and pumpkin patch spritzed with cinnamon. James finally kicked me out on Sunday to go hunt some down, and I did. I've been walking past them the past 24 hours, sniffing and cuddling them. I finally grabbed the lighter, literally ready to pull the trigger, and...nothing. It picked that moment to call it quits. Much like my ability to cope. I kid! I had cookies.

After two hours of digging into a C.S. Lewis book, I was feeling rejuvenated. Gracie woke up, we played catch with pillows, and I ran upstairs to use the bathroom while she was preoccupied with a basket full of laundry (her favorite toy for the past 9 months). We were about to leave for the library and I realized I hadn't put my wedding rings on, so I grabbed them and was just about to slide them on my finger as my foot slipped on the first stair. My arms whirled back like a windmill to catch my balance, but I went down so hard it shook the foundation of the building. I proceeded to fall down the entire flight of stairs, hitting every step on the way down while my wedding rings flew out of my hand and were later found under the couch. It felt like my brain sloshed around in my skull and I immediately began crying for my mother. Other than a rug burn on my arm, some bruises, and a sciatic nerve with plenty to say about the experience, I'm fine. I gathered myself and crawled into the living room, where Gracie was quietly (red flag) sitting on the floor, poking at my phone that she found hidden behind a pillow. I snatched it away from her and found that she had taken a picture of her foot and texted it to my dad, as well as downloaded a random app. Upon further inspection, she was also wearing a pair of my underwear that she had pilfered from the laundry basket.

I finally got us in the car to go to the library. I grabbed my sunglasses from the cupholder, and on autopilot my arm reached up to the glasses compartment, pulled out my mint green sunglasses, and put them on right over my aviators. I realized immediately what I had done, but it still worried me that I hit my head a little harder than I realized.

It's no coincidence that the book waiting for me was Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches. Though unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have a chapter on walking down the stairs.


16 comments:

  1. i can't. i was laughing out loud the whole time i read this. i'm sorry and thank you that my morning laugh was at your expense.

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    1. It's ok! That's exactly why I wrote this :)

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  2. omg I'm dying at the part where she texted a picture of her foot to your dad!

    I was just thinking recently that I need to start baking again. Maybe not...

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  3. I applaud your duct tape resourcefulness. Parker loves to pull laundry out of the basket then put it back in, but his clothes always stay on his person. I know she might be a little old to introduce to one, but have you considered a sleep sack? It could be like the baby straight jacket you're dreaming of.

    Parenting win: you didn't dump the sugar on Gracie.

    Parker is really into his books these days, too. He gets aggressively excited about them and if you're not careful he will hit you in the face with one.

    I'm glad you didn't die falling down the stairs. I kind of felt like the story was moving that way. I'm glad you survived. I bet those cookies and seasonal candles helped cushion your fall.

    I also laughed out loud several times. Especially about Gracie wearing your underwear. I really like her.

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  4. I have a friend who bought footless Pjs and put them on her baby backwards. It sounded like a good idea to me.

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  5. Wow. Every time I thought things were going to be ok for you there was another hiccup. I think I'd have just cried all day long. ESPECIALLY after the stair fall. Thank goodness there were cookies in the fridge!

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  6. It does always seem like when you need the candle the most, the lighter runs out of fluid.

    ^^ I've heard the tip on buying footless pj's and putting them on backwards, too! Might be worth a shot although if she can defeat safety pins and duct tape...

    Have you thought about an actual straitjacket? ;)

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  7. Well crap. You really know how to smash a girl's illusions about the dreamy peacefulness of the SAHM life. She is too funny with her laundry obsession!

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  8. Michelle, thank you for sharing all of this with us! Recently, an acquaintance of mine said to me, "You must get so bored during the day, since you stay at home with your baby." HA! Nope. It's always an adventure ;) This might be a really dump first time mom question, but since Gracie seems to love taking her PJs off, is there any "need" for her to wear PJs if she's just at home in her bedroom? Granted, I'm a pretty hippy mom whose baby is naked 99% of the time, so that's why "go naked!" is my first thought haha.

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    1. When she's dressed, it deters her from taking her diaper off. I wouldn't care if she took her pajamas off if she would leave her diaper alone. If I left her in nothing but a diaper, it would be off in two seconds. I don't need any more messes to clean up :)

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  9. Oh my gosh. Talk about a series of unfortunate events. Please tell me you've gotten yourself a new lighter!

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  10. I feel so bad for you but at the same time it sounds like a comedy movie. I hope someday you can laugh about this but I am sure it is hard to go through that.

    Duct tape is hilarious! And why in the world was she wearing your underwear? =) That's funny!

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  11. Ouch... Oh my do you have bruises from your fall down the stairs? I am glad to hear you are ok. I would have likely cancelled going on to the library & had a good cry. What a day you had.

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    1. I do! And some bruised ribs. But I'm feeling much better now :) Trust me, I had a VERY good cry.

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  12. Sounds like Gracie was having fun with that phone while you were busy almost killing yourself!

    If you're still having the diaper problem, a wise friend with 7 kids and all the answers once told me to cut the feet off of a sleeper and put them in it backwards with a safety pin through the zipper. If that fails, you should probably call a priest.

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  13. I am crying, oh my gosh. STRUGGLE. Please never stop writing about motherhood like this.

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