9.21.2016

evidently, someone somewhere wants me to go on a diet



It's only Wednesday, but this week has been a doozy.

Yesterday, I had my first real migraine. It was as awful as they say they are. It started Monday night and hit full force when I woke up yesterday. You know what else hit? Cramps. Yes, those. Every time a sliver of light hit my eyeballs or I heard the sound of a whisper, lighting bolts hit my brain. The timing was great, because Gracie got TWO new teeth yesterday, so she screamed the entire day. Not just fussing and crying, but shrill, demonic screams of pain. I spent much of the day curled up in the fetal position with my green blanket on my head and my fingers in my ears while the screech owl threw her books at my bed and screamed. It goes down as one of the hardest days of my entire life. I called James crying so hard I could hardly speak because I couldn't find the Excedrin that is ALWAYS on top of the fridge. For the first time ever, he took it to work that morning and couldn't leave to bring it to me. This time, the shrill, demonic screaming came from me.

I made it to the store to buy some medicine (and chocolate), and it took the edge off. I finally started to feel a bit of relief, the sound of my own voice wasn't making me dizzy and queasy anymore, and the brain squeezing got slightly better. Aside from feeling loopy and exhausted and like I had downed a bottle of NyQuil, I felt a little more like myself. Which is good, because I had my first MOPS meeting last night. Going into a two hour social-fest feeling like I could sleep for a year was not my smartest move, but I was committed. It went surprisingly well. There was a cake decorating demonstration from some local bakers, and I was ALL about it. Cake decorating! Surely we'll get to eat some, too? After the worst day of my life, I NEED cake. They wouldn't decorate cakes in front of us and then not let us eat some, right? That would be cruel, right? But then, the bakers said they were supposed to have personal cakes for each of us to decorate, but they weren't able to make that happen so we had to practice on paper plates instead.

We ate no cake.

To top it off, a suggestion was made by someone to do away with Christmas cookie exchanges in favor of exchanging bars of soap. While I may have some potential friends in this group, she will probably not be one of them.

This morning, as I was on a walk with Gracie, my friend texted me and asked if I wanted to meet her for storytime in a bakery in an hour. "Free cookies!" she said. I turned the stroller around as fast as I could, because free cookies are always the answer. I took a fast shower and we were out the door and on the road. We got there and found they decided to do storytime outside for the first time. The high today? 90 degrees. There was just enough shade for the reader, so Gracie and I stood off to the side trying to find shelter under a scrawny pine tree. The lady talked about circles extensively before pulling out a book on the rainforest. She was spouting off the scientific names of insects and birds in the rainforest, and I haven't been this bored since high school chemistry.

Then finally, the moment I had been waiting for. She reached into her basket of cookies and started handing them out to the kids. I gave Gracie a bite and then took a bite out of her cookie, because I was not about to let her eat the entire thing. "Excuse me, the cookies are for the children."

You have got to be kidding me.

 "The company paperwork only specifies that children can eat these. It doesn't say if parents can, so only children can have these cookies." There were approximately five kids, and AT LEAST 20 cookies in her basket. 20 cookies just going to waste. If it were me, I would've given the parents two cookies for having to take those toddlers home, but once again, I was forced to be in the presence of delicious desserts and not allowed to touch them. Not long after, the heat drove everyone away except for us and our friends. My friend asked the reader if we could go inside. "No, we have a full hour and we need to do this craft first." Twenty minutes later, we finally left, drenched in sweat and armed with a lion mask I glued since Gracie is still a bit too little for crafts. Gracie fell asleep the last five minutes of the drive home and thus refused to nap this afternoon.

And tomorrow? Tomorrow Gracie and I embark on another road trip, just the two of us. I'll be bringing my own junk food. And Excedrin.

16 comments:

  1. I would have stared that woman dead in the eye and taken a long, drawn out, BIG bite of that cookie...possibly stuffing the entire thing in my mouth. And then, depending on if I thought I would ever see her again,

    "You can take that company paperwork and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT."

    And seriously, practicing cake decorating on paper plates? That's just mean.

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    1. this was going to be my exact comment. and then I saw yours so I didn't have to write mine hahaha. I would do that same thing, just scarf down the cookie while not breaking eye contact with her. what a dumb rule.

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    2. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I DID. I rolled my eyes and shoved the rest in my mouth.

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  2. what is she, the cookie police? geez.
    sorry to hear about your migraine. i've suffered from them since high school, so i feel your pain!

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    1. Ugh, I'm so sorry! This thing just kicked my butt, and I think it was a milder one. I don't know how people get these frequently. I'm terrified of getting another.

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  3. I can't believe someone acted like that about cookies! What the heck?!

    I feel your pain. I've been suffering from migraines for about 10 years now. Hang in there! It's such a relief when they go away.

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    1. I KNOW. Dude, they're cookies. Maybe a cookie would've lightened her up!

      Oh my goodness, I'm sorry. I think it might have been worse than birth. I don't know how you continue to function.

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  4. Migraines are the devil's tool. I'm impressed that you went out after having one. That's like walking away from falling off a cliff.

    No cake AND they teased you with individual cakes? And then soap instead of cookies? Are you sure you want to make friends there? Confession: I probably would have licked my plate. No shame.

    The whole point of having children is to eat their food. Chill out, boring book lady!

    You can do this! I recommend an individual cake and several cookies. You've earned them.

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  5. You need to introduce the bar of soap lady to the cookie police reader. I bet they'd be the best of friends.

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  6. I hate to say this, but I would actually be all about exchanging bars of soap.
    Serious! I have this weird obsession with homemade and/or organic soap. Jordan thinks I've gone completely insane but I can't stop. That reader sounds like a crazy person! I can't believe she told you that you couldn't eat a cookie. Oh my gosh. You are too funny. Good luck on your road trip! I'm sure it will be great and if not then there will be a great blog post out of it!

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  8. They probably would get along really well. Who in the world would trade cookies for...soap? And I can't believe that 1) there was a cookie rule and 2) that she was so serious about enforcing it! And crafts in the 90 degree heat after all that plus a migraine and a teething toddler? I've been a bit emotional today myself but I seriously teared up reading about your day. I really hope you feel better. I had just a regular headache yesterday (I never get headaches) and decided to take excedrin (which I ever take) and basically spent the night wide awake with stomach cramps and nausea. I was at Meijer at 5 in the morning hunched over looking for Mylanta. It's the most sleep deprived I've been since before Ben started sleeping through the night. That's probably why I'm emotional now 😂 I will be praying about your road trip girl. You are brave and you can do it!

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    1. I went to Meijer for the excedrin!!! I'm cracking up that we were both there in misery. I hope you're headache is better and you're feeling better! <3

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  9. Seriously who wants to exchange soap!?! How is that even a thing?

    Also I can not believe the story time lady said that! Are you kidding how can you not share the cookie with your child? It sounds as though that women obviously never had children.

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  10. I'm so sorry you are having migraines! I wonder if seeing a doctor they could get you stronger medicine? My sister has those sometimes and they are rough for her.

    Okay, that cookie lady! Seriously, Gestapo cookies! That is absurd. I probably would have just shoved the entire thing in my mouth and said 'oops'. How weird.

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  11. Reading this in reverse chronological order and I just yelled, "DON'T GO ON THE ROAD TRIP!" at my screen. Godspeed, Past Michelle.

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