10.07.2016

2016's most frightening halloween costumes

Audrey Hepburn and Cat, 2009

Do you like horror movies? Is jumping out from behind a bush and scaring your neighbor the highlight of your day? Do you like all things spooky and terrifying? Have I got a trick or treat for you! I've just so happened to compile a list of 2016's scariest and spookiest costume ideas yet. Witches, ghosts, and goblins have nothing on these. These costumes are perfect for your creepy Halloween party or to scare the pants off paying guests at a haunted house, but whatever you do, don't wear them while taking your kids trick-or-treating; you'll give kids (and adults) nightmares for years. You may even be arrested for inciting panic.

1. Gluten. There's nothing scarier in 2016 than the naturally-occurring protein in wheat. Guaranteed to make your friends scream and run away in fear.

Related ideas: refined sugar, carbs, non-organic fruit

2. The comment section of YouTube or any major website. You just cringed, didn't you? Good, that's the reaction we're going for.

3. The Presidential candidates. Either one. They're both horrifying.

4. Cleaning products not made from essential oils. Dress up as a bottle of Clorox and everyone in a five-mile radius will immediately be diagnosed with cancer.

5. WebMD. Everyone in a five-mile radius will immediately be self-diagnosed with cancer.

6. Clowns. With all the murder clown sightings this year, a clown costume could convince even the staunchest gun control advocate to pack some heat.

7. That person on social media constantly hawking his or her wares or diet program. Do you have a minute to talk about essential oils? Lularoe leggings? Jamberry nails? Maybe if you tried #whole30 or Advocare or not feeding your kids puffs or formula your life would magically improve and you'd lose the baby weight and also world peace. This costume is guaranteed to make your friends tremble and search for a safe zone.

8. The list of shows and movies leaving Netflix on the first of the month. Heart beating out of your chest! Sweating! Anxiety! This costume will cause it all. Is your favorite show on the list? Is it safe? Is there time to watch that movie one more time?! THE CLOCK IS TICKING.

What are you dressing up as this year?

25 comments:

  1. "There's nothing scarier in 2016 than the naturally-occurring protein in wheat." HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love white bread. I told K once that I don't care what health nuts say, I will never give up white bread.
    Also, clowns freak me the eff out. Like, typically I don't have an issue with circus clowns, but these crazy motherf-ers running around.... *shudder*

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  2. I had no idea there was a list of shows that were going to be off Netflix. Like, I didn't know that was a thing. So of course I immediately went and looked it up AND FOUND OUT THAT ALIAS IS GONE. Now I'm super depressed. Thanks.

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  3. #7 is EVERYTHING. Goodness, this post might win my favorite of the year. You're a genius. The end.

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  4. It's crazy tempting to go as an MLM salesperson and just carry versions of all the things. Oils, wraps, lipsticks, leggings, etc.

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  5. when they took Friday night lights off of Netflix, I thought my life was over. so I get this in a big way. also clowns are forever scary and this whole thing is just making it harder to leave my house. thank goodness hibernation time is fast approaching.

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    1. THEY DID?! I spent a year trying to get into that show, and I never could. But I liked knowing it was there in case I wanted to try again!

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  6. "...and also world peace."

    I am DYING at these. I can't pick a favorite.

    Regarding the clowns, is it terrible that I find the whole thing a little hilarious? I mean, now we even have Stephen King defending clowns (he literally wrote "It"!)...

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  7. i'm laughing so hard! this post is everything!

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  8. You are THE BEST! Oh how I love how your mind works…haha, these were hilarious!

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  9. Amen. Especially the social media "friends" who push their crap. NOTHING is scarier than getting a message from one of those friends asking if they can "just drop a little something by and will spend a few minutes explaining when they get here." All I can do is Michael Scott. NOOOO. God no. NOOOOOOOOO!!! Terr.i.fying.

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    1. HAHAHA. That is the perfect Michael Scott moment for this scenario!

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  10. Oh. My. Gosh. Where do you come up with this stuff? Too funny!

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    1. On my couch, in my living room, late at night ;)

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  11. I think I'll dress as a GMO. Although, it is a tough choice between that and the mom who let's her kids eat processed foods. Both equally terrifying.

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  12. YOU ARE MY FAVORITE. Nothing is scarier than number 7. Because maybe if you used essential oils on your baby then you wouldn't even notice he was teething and maybe if you spent seventeen thousand dollars on meal replacement shakes you could finally lose that baby weight.

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  13. Hahaha I love this. Each one was funnier than the one before. Well done.

    Also, I just cleaned our bathroom with Clorox and if I develop a terrible disease, at least I'll know I went out with a clean bathroom.

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  14. #1 related idea: RE: carbs used to make me scream in fear. I'm getting a little braver with "healthy carbs." (eye roll emoji) #2 and #3 are the worst kind of humans, and #7 is literally my nightmare.

    #6 however, has me somewhat satisfied because finally men know what it's like to feel like they should be afraid to go outside alone after the sun goes down.

    You killed it with this post. Had me giggling hard in my office. :)

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  15. Oh, yeah. Halloween is coming. Exciting what to see. Looking forward to costumes.

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  16. Now my only problem will be deciding which one of these I would like to go as... because they are ALL hilarious!!!

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  17. This is perfection. The only thing I'd add would be those canvassers that go door to door trying to get you to sponsor a child. I love them, I love the children, but there's only so much guilt one person can handle. It might feel wrong to mock people like that, though.

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  18. Hahaha! These are amazing. #4 is especially funny-have you seen the Ultra Spiritual Life video by JP Sears about essential oils? It's kind of awesome and hilarious. I think it's humorous just how serious some people get about things-I accidentally caused a small crisis on my Facebook the other day when I made a status asking people if they had good natural remedies against mosquitoes. I don't think chemicals are evil, but for a 20 minute trip outside, I figured it'd be nice if I had a way to protect myself without going through the ordeal of washing up and putting chemicals on. ANYWAYS, it was kind of funny (and kind of scary) to see just how passionate people got, especially those who were pretty much casting oils in hell and telling me that I need to use chemicals no matter what. At least as a result of this, I got tons of good advice from lots of people with various viewpoints!

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