11.03.2016

the dream diaries



I'm known among those close to me for having some truly bizarre dreams. All the time. They don't just happen occasionally, they happen almost every night. It's not uncommon for me to wake up after dreaming of being hired as a cemetery photographer (?) in California or something equally strange. I don't know why it's taken me so long, but I've finally started writing them down. Maybe this is a weird post, but I figured it's too entertaining to keep all to myself. Welcome to the nighttime ramblings of my very strange brain.

+ I went to the Columbus Zoo with my family and came across Kylie Jenner. She told me she was manufacturing thin yoga mats. "Like thin crust pizza," she said. She confided in me that she thought they should be sold for $4.95 instead of $9.95. I pulled out my high school graphing calculator out of my diaper bag, naturally, and offered to draw up a quick cost-benefit analysis. I told her $9.99 was the correct price, but we could go as low as $7. She was so grateful she made me her business partner. We manufactured all the yoga mats at the zoo and they sold out immediately. She stole money out of my wallet and I vowed to never help her again.

+ It's the summer 2016 Olympics and Michael Phelps and I are best friends. We practice our swimming together and tell each other all our secrets. He kisses me on the cheek frequently. The Olympics are over and I go to the mall. Carly from Bachelor in Paradise walks out of JC Penny looking quite pregnant. I am tricked into using the men's bathroom, where I somehow manage to break a toilet and am sued by the store.

+ I have (in my dream) a friend named Jeff who I see multiple times. We haven't seen each other in awhile, and when he shows up to my doorstep, HE turns out to be a SHE named Kristen. I tell Kristen/Jeff (Kreff?) that I once had an affair with Robin Williams (before he died, obviously). I had forgotten about it until my dad finds a gift in my closet that Robin gave me. It's a book with my initials on it, and when you push buttons on the front of it songs play, and when you hold it up to your eye it turns into a video camera. There are saved videos on it of Robin and his kids (does he have kids?) at a pool on vacation. I also find AIM messages I had saved from when he declared his undying love for him. After I reveal this, Kristen tells me she's not Jeff. I am actually shocked.

+ There's a prominent food blogger you may or may not know of. If anything, you've probably seen her Instagram posts of her adorable twins and her hilarious captions. I've never interacted with this blogger, we don't know each other, but that did not stop me from dreaming I stayed at her house for a week. She and her husband were very friendly until they suddenly decided they didn't want me there. Instead of telling me I had overstayed my welcome, they made asparagus salad and waffles for dinner and refused to let me have some. I wandered into the living room instead, and found that it was a forest of purple plastic trees. They told me if I was going to continue to stay with them, I had to go with them to a child's birthday party. The party was held in a jewelry store, and they were serving fish paste (?) for lunch. Naturally, I refused to go and ordered a pizza instead.

Tell me your weird dreams!

14 comments:

  1. YOU CANNOT EVEN MAKE THESE UP.

    You meet a lot of celebrities in your dreams! And at least your affair with Robin Williams wasn't AFTER he died....... :-/

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  2. I had a dream last night that I went to vote at my old elementary school and I had to hand write the people's names on the ballot, but I couldn't remember anyone's names who weren't running for president. So I just described their faces and then wrote my choice for president and Landon was reading over my shoulder and was apparently incredibly disappointed with my decision.

    can't wait for this election to be over.

    laughed OUT LOUD at your dreams. Keep em coming.

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  3. The Kylie Jenner dream is the best. WHY DOES THIS STUFF MAKE SENSE WHILE WE'RE DREAMING?

    K is so thrown off by my weird dreams. There was one week where I keep flirting with guys from my past (in my dreams) and then K would show up and I'd be so proud to introduce the guy to my husband. Same dream- different dudes- three nights in a room.

    My most recent weird one was I was back in college but I couldn't afford to stay on campus so I had to rent out a room and I ended up renting a room at Snoop Dogg's house but it wasn't a nice house. Like, it was a very bare, almost dingy apartment in a high rise building. And there were a ton of dudes (that kind of resembled Ice Cube?) that would come in and out of the place. And I couldn't go in certain rooms and there was a place in the apt. that I couldn't walk b/c the floors creaked and if I made a sound then the neighbors would think we were doing drugs.

    So freaking weird. I don't even listen to Snoop Dogg?!

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  4. Woah. Your brain is totally active at night. I just sleep until my toddler kicks me in the face.

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  5. These are hilarious! I don't think my dreams are ever this crazy- mine are normally nightmares (Freud would probably tell me that I am his most fearful and insecure patient lol). Sometimes I have these weird dreams where I'm half dreaming, still halfaware of my surroundings and I start talking to myself in my dream. Yesterday I took a nap during my lunch break out in my car, and in my dream I kept telling myself "if you don't quit napping, you are going to die out here!" Lol
    I had another dream of that nature before I was married to Ryan. I remember only half asleep and dreaming that my teeth all crumbled out of my mouth and telling myself, "well at least I'm not married yet and still on my parents' insurance"

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    1. I hear you on the nightmares! Last night I woke myself up screaming because I was dreaming about a tornado.

      I've had the teeth dream before! I have it maybe once a year, and it scares me every time.

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  6. LOL! These are too funny. I'm glad you are writing them down to share with us. :)

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  7. I've heard people say that your true thoughts come out in your dreams. If that's true, I'm in worse shape than I thought! :) Matt has had some sleep walking episodes these past few months, and that's been...interesting...! It's always so interesting to remember your dreams the next morning. I'm going to have to start writing mine down too!

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  8. Ahaha this is the best! I can't decide which dream is the most bizarre.

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  9. I had a dream my schnauzer gave birth to a litter of Chinchillas last night. That was only a small part, I wish I could remember the whole thing! I used to write mine down when I was in middle school actually. I should start again ;)

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    Replies
    1. HAHA! I love hearing about everyone's dreams. How do we come up with this stuff?

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  10. These are hilarious! I usually can't remember most of my dreams, what I do remember is that many of them involve me in some sort of a house or public building with other people that I've met throughout my life, trying to escape some sort of enemy. A cool dream I had once was a little over a year ago, I dreamed that I was breastfeeding a baby...and then just a couple weeks later, I got a positive pregnancy test! It was pretty cool. While I was pregnant, I had one weird dream where I dreamed that my younger brother's pet dog gave birth to a human baby, and I was there for the whole birthing process. It was very weird.

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  11. I wish I had dreams like yours! Last night I dreamed that I was in a big, crowded building, trying to find a restroom, but every restroom that I went in didn't have stall doors so I had to keep looking. I woke up and had to pee in real life, so I guess that was why.

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