My dad is very successful in the business and management world. As I was growing up, he would often come home after a meeting and rant about the business world's newest buzzwords. There was always a list of pretentious new words to take the place of older words, for no reason other than to make yourself sound more important and knowledgeable. He hated this (and still does, rightfully so). My biggest problem at the time was my math homework (literally--lots of big math problems), so I didn't fully understand his disdain.
Well. I get it now.
I'm not in the business world (praise hands), but I am in the blogging and social media world (kind of the same thing as business these days, no?). And whew boy, are there plenty of buzzwords out there. And I hate every single one of them. I will admit, I think I have more pet peeves than the average person, but the slaughter and abuse of the English language cuts me deep. It's not that these words are wrong, it's just that I find them really annoying. Which, in my esteemed opinion, basically means they're wrong. I realize I'm a curmudgeon who hates change and snapchat, but sometimes I really wish we spoke like a Jane Austen novel instead of karate-chopping "very" into "v." and thinking it's cute.
I tend to be a very snarky person. I don't mean any harm by it, but it often pours out of me when I'm not actively reigning it in. My blog posts used to be so full of snark they most likely came off as rude and offensive at times, but I've tried to tone it down and be kind and loving instead. But there is a time and a place for everything.
Today is the time for snark.
If you'll allow me, I would like to present the list of words and terms that I would like to ban from society. Some are valid, some are ridiculous and only annoy me, but all of this is just in good fun, so just chill out already.
+ Source, as in sourcing food. This one has blown up and I roll my eyes every time I hear it. It makes me think of this Portlandia skit where they want to know the entire life story about the chicken before ordering it. When I was at a blogger brunch a few years ago, a girl literally tried to swipe a bowl of fruit salad out of my hands, because the fruit obviously wasn't in season in Ohio in February and we must source local foods and only eat seasonally or you will get cancer. Yes, she said those actual words. So basically I probably have a personal issue with this word. Just stop worrying about your chicken and just chew it already.
+ Gift. Not as a noun, but as a verb. Gift, when functioning as a noun as GOD INTENDED, is one of the most beautiful words in the English language. Then Satan showed up to twist and contort it into a verb, so people say things like "He gifted me that necklace." And then my ears bleed, because he gave you/bought you that necklace and we already have enough words to express that thought, and saying "He gifted it to me" sounds so pretentious that I immediately picture you wearing boat shoes, khakis, a polo shirt, and a cardigan.
+ Wifey/Hubby. You should not be allowed to get married if you use either of those words, as the only explanation is that you're still 12 years old. The cute-ifying of words makes me throw up more than when I was pregnant. And that's saying something.
+ Preggo/Preggers/etc. See above reasoning, also I'm pretty sure a pregnant woman is not a jar of pasta sauce. The only other forms of pregnant I will deem acceptable are these, because they're hilarious. Just say "pregnant." It's really not that hard, and I won't have to unfriend you.
+ Do life with. Several friends brought this term up when I had a twitter meltdown over stupid words a few months ago. I could not agree more. When I was in college, the church I went to frequently used this term when referencing Bible studies and small groups. "We want to do life with you." I physically twitched every time. I want you to do shutting up.
+ Littles/Smalls/Bigs. These have become common words when describing children. Pass me the barf bag. Did you know there's already a word for this? It's kids. Also children. Also infant, baby, toddler, adolescent, teenager, etc. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel. It's not cute, it's foolish.
+Tribe/Squad/#squadgoals: Are we Native Americans? A cheerleading squad? WHY IS TAYLOR SWIFT TELLING US HOW TO SPEAK AND WHY ARE WE LETTING HER? Whenever someone says "my tribe" or "my squad," I immediately know I don't want to be a part of it. Remember when we just used to say....group of friends? Is that as outdated as the VCR now? Pardon me while I clutch my pearls.
+ Babywearing. FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, YOU GUYS, PUT THIS ONE OUT OF ITS MISERY. My baby is not an article of clothing! You're carrying your baby in a baby carrier or a wrap. You're not putting your baby over your head and stretching your arms through him or her. I'll just be over here pushing the stroller, or as I like to call it, babystrolling.
+ Crunchy. The whole "crunchy mom" diatribe is the most obnoxious thing in the world. I'm all for natural stuff and whatnot, and that's super cool if your beef is grass-fed and organic and definitely gluten-free, but it's become such a passive aggressive mom war thing. No wonder I'm not friends with "crunchy moms." I've always enjoyed smooth peanut butter better.
+ Foodie. Jim Gaffigan said it best when he said "I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie." Preach on, brother Jim. The word "foodie" is the King of Pretension. I was listening to a podcast the other day, and one woman said "We're all foodies in my family, so we would never use a crockpot. Gross." And then she lost me completely. I love good, fancy food, but seriously I am never happier than when eating pizza. I just want healthy, wholesome, delicious food I can make and eat at home while my toddler tugs on my pants and pulls them down and cries for me to hold her. If the words "molecular gastronomy" are involved, I'll see myself out.
+ Selfie. I think I can speak for many of us when I say that this word needs to jump off a very high cliff. I don't even care if people take pictures of themselves as long as they're not calling it a selfie. It brings me immediate visions of the Kardashians. The only known cure is to read a dictionary. However, with the direction of our language lately, I'm not even sure I can recommend a dictionary anymore. Read some Dickens instead.
+ On Fleek. I almost didn't include this because I'm not sure I actually know what it means. I hate it so much that I black out whenever I hear or read it. I'll just be over here saying "the cat's pajamas" instead. Be a dear and hand me my AARP card.
What do you think? Do you agree/disagree? What did I leave out? I'm so worked up I could go on all day.