5.23.2017

when trashy tv brings families together



It has been a hoppin' few days over here. On Saturday night, James and I went on our third date of the past 25 1/2 months. We went bowling and out for pizza. I don't know the last time I went bowling, but we had THE BEST time. It took me back to my middle and high school days when my friends and I would gather at the local run-down bowling alley. I have some fond memories of dancing to Milkshake by Kelis while probably wearing some heinous frosted eyeshadow and some watermelon roll-on body glitter from Bath & Body Works. My bowling hasn't improved since then, but at least my makeup has.

Needless to say, we had a ball. Literally and figuratively.

On Sunday, my mother-in-law rolled into town. You've all heard the stories by now (these stories too). She is a kind and generous woman, but she has no filter. You never know what you're going to get with her, but the one thing you can bank on is a headache.

Within minutes of arriving, she looked at me and said "so, have you potty trained Gracie yet?" We spent the rest of the night arguing about how she got here. She said she was lost because she never made it onto highway 12. I told her that's because there is no highway 12 in Ohio. She was adamant that she drove here on highway 12 last time she came, but even a map didn't convince her she was wrong. We easily figured out which highways she was on, but she still didn't believe us, saying she drove through towns that are on the opposite side of the state. It's truly a wonder she made it here at all.

Upon coming downstairs Monday morning, she asked James and me to one day swirl her ashes in a "beautiful glass paperweight" like she saw in a video on Facebook a few months prior. That's not a request I can bring myself to fulfill, so I may just have the paperweight shipped somewhere on the illusive highway 12.

I was drowsily eating my watermelon greek yogurt a little later while she flipped through pictures on her phone to show to Gracie. "There's your mama, there's your daddy, oh! And there's the beach where you were made!" That woke me up better than my coffee. I dropped my spoon and said "um, excuse me?"

"That's the beach where you conceived Gracie. I thought Gracie should see a picture."

3 years ago we spent a few days at the Outerbanks with my MIL. It was at least three weeks before I got pregnant, but she is not the first person to assume that's where I got pregnant. I can say without a doubt that it is not, even though I shouldn't have to say any of that to begin with. I quickly explained the timing was all wrong, and no, that definitely was not the time nor the place.

"Yes it was. It was about 9 months before she was born. I'm just so glad I contributed to her birth."

And there went the rest of my appetite.

James had to work that evening, so I spent a frenzied few hours trying to calm a crying, teething toddler and teaching my MIL, who insisted on cooking dinner for us, how to use an electric stove and also how to turn an oven on. On top of it, I was also dealing with a mild bout of food poisoning from dinner the night before that didn't agree with me too well.

We both laid on the couch later that evening, and I was gearing up for another stretch of the murder mystery shows she insists on watching, because according to her, the only shows worth watching are full of "murder and lots of mayhem." Instead, she said "doesn't The Bachelorette come on tonight? And Dancing With the Stars?" I immediately perked up. "Yes. Yes they are on tonight."

"Do you want to watch?"
"I mean, sure, do you want to watch?"
"Well, if you want to, I guess we should."

Within minutes we were laughing together and screaming "I LOVE THAT SONG" in perfect unison when Uptown Funk started playing. Sure she talked over all the interviews, but her commentary was priceless. Watching the men come out of the limo with her was the highlight of the night. "OH HOW I LOVE MY LATINO MEN" was something she yelled more than once. I have never seen her like that and it was incredible. James came home looking mildly stunned to see us giggling like schoolgirls together.

This is the beginning of a beautiful relationship, I thought to myself.

Until I woke up at 7:30 this morning to find her in my room, standing over my bed staring at me.


10 comments:

  1. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Family stories are always the best.

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    1. I could write books on everything that has happened over the past 48 hours!

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  2. Haha oh my. I almost choked on my rice when I read her line about where Gracie was conceived. Wow, just...wow. I'm glad that you two could bond over trashy tv! I'm glad that you can find some humor in all of the ridiculousness.

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  3. Both of our kids were conceived right around the time we were visiting family back home (give or take a week). Fortunately no one has ever thought to do the math and I think I would DIE if my MIL ever said anything about it.

    I love Karl so much and want to be together for ever and ever but if ever wake up to his mother in my bedroom I will ask for a divorce then and there.

    But hurray for common ground! Reality tv brings people together like politics and religion tears them apart. I hope my in-laws and I can find common ground like that when they come up visit next month. If not, there's always ice cream.

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  4. Haha! I don't even know what to say to that. But thank goodness for the Bachelorette I guess!

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  5. I cannot even comprehend waking up to my MIL standing over my bed. Horror.

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  6. The Bachelorette is a great unifying force.

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  7. Your MIL is straight out of a sitcom, I swear.

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  8. I think your mother-in-law and I share the same sense of direction.

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  9. I'M SO HAPPY I COULD CONTRIBUTE?! OH MY GOSH I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING.

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