10.02.2018

2018's most frightening halloween costumes


HAPPY OCTOBER!!!

Have you been hunting for the perfect Halloween costume to terrify your friends and family? Well, look no further. I've gathered this year's spookiest costumes. Zombies are so 2012 and will garner you nothing but eye rolls at the haunted house or Halloween party. These costumes are on par with watching a true crime documentary alone in your house late at night. Don't even read these without your emotional support animal nearby.

1. The Patriarchy. Terrifying. If you choose this option, just be prepared to be smashed.

Related idea: a white male. Any one will do. If you already are a white male, you don't even need a costume as you're what's wrong with the world today.

2. A Security Breach. "According to our records, it appears your information may have been compromised in a recent security breach." Was your credit card info stolen? Social security number? Do the Russian hackers have your address and are they on their way right now to kidnap you? ONLY TIME WILL TELL. Nothing is safe anymore!!!

3. A crockpot. More specifically, a faulty one.

4. An epidural or a home birth, depending on which side you're on. Either way, you clearly do not love your child and are therefore a danger to all other mothers and children around you. #triggered

Related ideas: a vaccine or can of formula 

5. A Carb. Any kind will do. Pasta, bread, refined sugar, gluten. HORRIFYING. It will make everyone who sees you gain 20 lbs, induce brain fog, and figuratively crap their pants....literally if you're gluten intolerant.

6. Trigger Warnings. Doesn't even need to be about anything specific, because anything can be #triggering. Practice safe triggering and only dress up as this option if there is a designated safe space nearby.

7. Outdated kitchens. There is nothing more terrifying to a white woman in 2018 than a kitchen without subway tiles, new cabinets, and a farmhouse sink. Dress up as an oak cabinet, and women everywhere will run screaming in the direction of Waco, where Joanna Gaines waits with open, comforting arms whispering "shiplap" over and over until the scary moment dissipates.

 8. Any IG story starting with "Hey guys, so a lot of you have been asking...". Dress up in distressed jeans, an off the shoulder or cold shoulder tee, and perfect beach waves and repeat that on a loop. People will run in terror as their IQs drop 10 points every time they hear it.

Related idea: a FabFitFun unboxing 

9. Chemicals. Any chemicals. You can just be yourself, actually, because literally everything is chemicals, including you! Such an easy, scary costume that will have your crunchy friends breathing into organic, gluten-free paper bags laced with lavender essential oils to calm down.

If you need even more ideas, 2016's most frightening costumes are still 100% relevant today.

What are you dressing up as this year?



(Disclaimer: these are all meant in fun, not as any kind of political/social statement, so don't @ me)

13 comments:

  1. I literally LOL'ed at many of these.
    Hey - I get the outdated kitchen - I scream in fear every day I talk into my oak natural wood cabinets - with no grey or white anywhere to be seen. It's horrifying.
    I love the IG Story - that's actually really good. Someone will do that - bet me.
    A carb. I just gained 5 lbs reading that idea.

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  2. Just peed my pants a little and it’s not because I’m so pregnant. Oak cabinets...hilarious. And I might actually go as a vaccine. Because I could scare and piss off so many people at the same time!!

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  3. HAHAHA! These are awesome and so, so funny. #6 is my favorite, I think. I don't want to be insensitive, but if people are going to be traumatically affected by reading one small statement that I write online which isn't preceded by "TW: " then...I don't know, maybe spend less time on social media? Pretty soon we won't be able to discuss anything online anymore because it will all be so triggering for so many people :P

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  4. NUMBER ONE IS THE BEST ONE YET.

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  5. Ahahahaha. I think #9 is my favorite. I remember in beauty school days and clients talking about only using chemical-free products and being like...have you even done science????!!!!!!
    Seriously, though, Angel has observed that high school students use the word "triggered" constantly and neither of us can figure out why.
    Also, I recently had totally random, never heard of them before, internet people start commenting to me and telling me stuff like "the TB vaccine is actually way more dangerous than TB itself" because I had written a comment to someone else talking about how it can be scary/tough to have little kids in a developing country where TB and measles rates are too high for comfort. So...that was weird...

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  6. This is hilarious!! You combined creativity with the such a twist of humour that is thoroughly delightful. We don't get into Halloween
    in the South Pacific so much but if I did get dressed up, it'd be as a Frozen character with the Frozen songs on repeat aaaaalllll day long. That, or the next big thing masquerading as fun and games for kids but really aiming for the parents sanity.

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  7. Brilliant, as usual. I can't even pick a favorite.

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  8. Literally everything is chemicals, including you. hahaha! I bet this was super fun to write. Hilarious!

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  9. I love you so much and "INCLUDING YOU" is my new favorite thing you've ever said.

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  10. Why am I only reading this now? I should have planned to be a crock pot!!!!

    I've been waiting for this. Thank you x10000000.

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